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A rare sibling missing missing reasons!
Dear Prudence,
Last year, my dad, my brother, and my sister got into a huge argument. I wasn’t a part of any of it and refused to be. My family is terrible at communicating or talking about our feelings. I knew what the argument was about, but I didn’t know their side of things. Now, because of the argument, my brother is refusing to have anything to do with anyone in our family.
My dad turns 80 years old this year and likely doesn’t have much longer to live. My sister-in-law sent my Dad a letter, telling him the full reason why they would not be talking to any of us ever again. The reasons are petty, and they made a lot of assumptions about things that weren’t even true. Some things were partially true, and some things… I wasn’t there for it and have no idea who is right. They have not allowed us to talk to them about any of it, explain our side, or even allow us to apologize. Still, both my dad and I have tried sending letters, my wedding invitation, etc. I sent my brother a Christmas gift, and he immediately threw it away. (My sister-in-law told my dad he did in the letter.) I did nothing to them, and my sister-in-law in her letter confessed to hating me—this is something I’ve always known—over something that happened 16 years ago.
I love my brother very much. Where do I even go from here? We were all close to my mom, and her passing just completely obliterated my family. I’m all for picking up the pieces, but how do we fix this? I was tempted to send my brother a picture that included my mom as well as a picture from when we were kids with our handprints in the cement at our old house to remind him that he is from a family that loves him, no matter what. Maybe it will further anger him, but… I’m not sure what else to do. At what point do you just give up on your family? Do you give up on your family? Do you keep trying to work on things? I don’t want to cut ties with him, even though he wants to cut me from his life.
—Where Do I Go From Here?
Dear From Here,
You never have to give up on your family. You can keep the door open to a relationship with your brother, but holding it open should not take up very much of your time or emotional energy at all. No pictures. No handprints. No guilt trips. Text or email your brother and say, “I miss you and if I owe you an apology, please tell me. I want to reconnect if you are ever ready.” Then let it go. He’s really angry. It sounds like you all have your share of trauma. Maybe he’s doing what’s best for him by taking some space from it all, or maybe his wife has influenced him to overreact to the family drama. It’s so hard, but you have to accept that you can’t force him to do anything. Turn all of your attention to your dad. You love him, he loves you, and you won’t get this time back.
Link
Last year, my dad, my brother, and my sister got into a huge argument. I wasn’t a part of any of it and refused to be. My family is terrible at communicating or talking about our feelings. I knew what the argument was about, but I didn’t know their side of things. Now, because of the argument, my brother is refusing to have anything to do with anyone in our family.
My dad turns 80 years old this year and likely doesn’t have much longer to live. My sister-in-law sent my Dad a letter, telling him the full reason why they would not be talking to any of us ever again. The reasons are petty, and they made a lot of assumptions about things that weren’t even true. Some things were partially true, and some things… I wasn’t there for it and have no idea who is right. They have not allowed us to talk to them about any of it, explain our side, or even allow us to apologize. Still, both my dad and I have tried sending letters, my wedding invitation, etc. I sent my brother a Christmas gift, and he immediately threw it away. (My sister-in-law told my dad he did in the letter.) I did nothing to them, and my sister-in-law in her letter confessed to hating me—this is something I’ve always known—over something that happened 16 years ago.
I love my brother very much. Where do I even go from here? We were all close to my mom, and her passing just completely obliterated my family. I’m all for picking up the pieces, but how do we fix this? I was tempted to send my brother a picture that included my mom as well as a picture from when we were kids with our handprints in the cement at our old house to remind him that he is from a family that loves him, no matter what. Maybe it will further anger him, but… I’m not sure what else to do. At what point do you just give up on your family? Do you give up on your family? Do you keep trying to work on things? I don’t want to cut ties with him, even though he wants to cut me from his life.
—Where Do I Go From Here?
Dear From Here,
You never have to give up on your family. You can keep the door open to a relationship with your brother, but holding it open should not take up very much of your time or emotional energy at all. No pictures. No handprints. No guilt trips. Text or email your brother and say, “I miss you and if I owe you an apology, please tell me. I want to reconnect if you are ever ready.” Then let it go. He’s really angry. It sounds like you all have your share of trauma. Maybe he’s doing what’s best for him by taking some space from it all, or maybe his wife has influenced him to overreact to the family drama. It’s so hard, but you have to accept that you can’t force him to do anything. Turn all of your attention to your dad. You love him, he loves you, and you won’t get this time back.
Link