It's a freaking soap opera, so what're the odds this is a fabricated letter?

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I am involved in a very messy situation. I had an affair with a married man 33 years older (I am 25, he is 58).

I didn’t go out looking for it, but one thing led to another. He’d been having marital problems for several years. He described his wife as being a good person but someone who is a spectator in life rather than a participant. They are like housemates who sometimes have sex, but there is zero affection. He told me she had several mental health issues, and she also was an alcoholic.

I felt we were both giving each other what we both were lacking. Love. Connection. Excitement. He said he wanted to marry me. Subsequently, my parents found out. Even though I’m 25, I’m still living at home. My dad lost it and called both him and his wife. He told her everything. She then phoned me. It became very messy. I also found out (from her) that he hadn’t necessarily told the truth about her.

We said we’d take a break because there is just too much drama. I am really heartbroken at how things turned out and over my parents meddling in my life the way they did. I wanted more time with him. I am sorry his wife found out, because I didn’t want her to be hurt. I am not a bad person, I never sought an affair, but I grew to love this man. I’m sorry that finding out about this has caused his wife to be hurt.

I don’t know what to do going forward. I just feel I can’t let him go.

— Sad and Struggling

Dear Sad: I assume the insight that you have “Daddy issues” has already occurred to you; if not — ponder it now. You have two older men controlling, disrespecting and betraying you. You seem to be something of a spectator in your own life, but regarding your choices, here’s a note: People do get hurt, even when you don’t mean to hurt them. (Your affair would have hurt this man’s wife, even if she hadn’t found out about it.)

It is genuinely painful and heartbreaking to end your first serious relationship. I can only imagine how you might be feeling about your father’s choice to out you and interfere the way he has. I think a first step for you should be to move away from your father’s orbit, at least for now. Perhaps you could stay with a supportive friend or family member while you look for other housing. It is important right now to step into your own future one day at a time, in order not to be overwhelmed. Stay away from your affair partner and try to accept this as a painful lesson of adulthood.

Therapy would help you to put these events into perspective.

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Comments

[conuly]

There are two ways to look at this.

The first is that LW, who honestly doesn't sound very smart or mature, was taken advantage of by a significantly older man who absolutely knew what he was doing.

The second is that at 25 LW ought to have enough brains and life experience that a relationship with a much older partner shouldn't necessarily be a problem, because they ought to be capable of making they own decisions. But it sure doesn't sound like LW thinks they're making decisions, does it!

One thing did not "lead to another", LW. You made choices, he made choices, you both made choices. He made the choice to lead you on, and he made the choice to either lie to you about his wife or to cheat on a woman with multiple mental health issues. Either way, she deserves better. You both, together, made the choice to hurt her.

And the problem here isn't that his wife found out, the problem is that there was something to find out. And things didn't "become very messy", LW, you made it messy when you first made a decision to mess around with a married man! If it's true love, he'll leave her for you. Oh, but he didn't want to do that, did he? There was always some sort of reason he couldn't leave just yet? LW, if you think that he loves you like you love him, then I'm pretty sure he's more at fault because he went hunting for the most gullible young person he could find.

LW should move out of Dad's house, I agree... and probably ought to lock their phone better, just, like, in general. And yes, get therapy, but it's not going to help until LW admits that they made actual choices and they were bad ones that hurt people... and also that this is not what love looks like, that the man they think they love does not actually exist, it's the invention of some jerk who conned them.

[pauraque]

Sadly, I believe this is real, and I believe LW got completely played by this guy. I hope they come to recognize this as the valuable learning experience that it was (and work on building a life independent from their parents).

[minoanmiss]

LW should fake her own death, move to another biome, and reinvent herself.

[movingfinger]

This is the best solution, as it also gets her out of her father's orbit.

[neotoma]

You know, as an aroace I sometimes encounter advice column letters that make me go "why did you think any of this was a good idea? Are pants-feelings really that overwhelming, and if so, how do any of you navigate life?"

This is one of them. LW made so many obvious bad decisions that I'm just boggled.

[conuly]

LW could've easily found somebody unattached to date. I mean... I don't want to come down too hard on them because with that age differential I really, really think they were targeted - but come on. They're not a kid, they're not just out of high school or even just out of college.

[full_metal_ox]

Heck, she’s old enough to serve in the U.S. House of Representatives.

[ethelmay]

I do kind of wonder if there are more people than usual who have been in a kind of extended childhood state. She would still have been college age when the pandemic hit, for one thing, and lots of people can't afford the going rent rates these days. In many cases, of course, people just take that in stride as how things are these days, and have pretty normal lives anyway, but if you and your parents have a dysfunctional relationship where it benefits them to have you stay childish (I am really trying not to do that with my son, who's about this age and lives with us), I can see how one could miss some steps in emotional development. I don't mean that as any excuse, to be clear.

[taimatsu]

Yeah, when I was 18 and went to university/lived away from home for the first time, I had an enormous amount to learn about myself, others, relationships, etc. If that had been disrupted and I had had to stay at home and not been able to spread my wings effectively, I could easily have stayed incredibly naive and done some really stupid stuff, I think.

[minoanmiss]

Obvious observation is obvious, but I think like any drug lust affects different people differently. Based on how unhinged I got over some of my crushes, I could see myself being desperate, "love"-crazed, and self-deluding enough to have done what she did, albeit in my late teens not my mid-twenties.