Dear Abby: Use of "honey" in the workplace

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have an interesting question for you. Is it sexual harassment if a female supervisor at work calls a male employee "Honey"? -- PETER IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR PETER: If that's all there is to it, I doubt it would be considered sexual harassment. However, if you are the employee being called "Honey," because it bothers you, tell your employer privately that it makes you uncomfortable and you prefer being addressed by your given name.

Comments

[shirou]

I agree with Abby. I grew up in the southern US, and there is a segment of the population for which the use of terms like "honey" and "darling" is second nature. The practice certainly has problems attached to it, especially as it relates to gender, but calling it sexual harassment is overreaching.

[the_rck]

I think my reaction to being called 'honey' or anything similar in a work environment would vary a lot, depending on who it was and on where they came from. It's different for me if, for example, it comes from a woman addressing another woman. I'd probably also not have been too bothered by it in the 1990s when I was thirty-ish and working for a male supervisor who was 75. I don't recall him ever using such terms, but if he had, I'd have assumed it was a cultural thing due to our age difference.

But it would bother me a lot coming from a younger man to a woman, regardless of her age. (I live in Michigan and always have, so it's not a part of the expected culture. I think that makes a huge difference.)

[eleanorjane]

I find it insaaaaanely patronising and it sets my teeth on edge, especially in a professional situation, but no, it's really not sexual harassment. IMO.

[elialshadowpine]

In the South? I lived in Texas for a couple years, and terms of endearment like honey, sugar, sweetheart, hon, dear, all that were super common. I heard them from both men and women. Unless there's something else going on, I wouldn't consider it sexual harassment.

I would guess that Peter is not originally from the South, because it's so very common from childhood up. I'm from WA State and when I moved to TX, while I had used the term "hon", I was not quite prepared for the deluge of endearments. It made me uncomfortable at first, but my fiance of the time assured me it was a Southern cultural thing and not people hitting on me, so that helped.

My co-workers and female boss (not the guys, though) did call me by endearments. Stuff like from my manager, "Hey hon, co-worker needs to take such and such day off, would you be able to cover her shift?" or from co-workers, "I got double seated, could you help out with table 15? Thanks, dear." Or when I came in for my shift, "Evening, sugar." That sorta thing.

I got used to it after a bit. I noticed it was not just women who received terms of endearment, but guys as well. It really is a cultural thing. My girlfriend, whose mother is Dutch, and who spent two years in the Netherlands as a young teen, has made the comment that the US states are in many ways their own countries. Given the vast difference between states, I don't think she's far off on that.

[kaberett]

Under UK law this is unambiguously sexual harassment if the target feels it is unwanted behaviour of a sexual nature. Which I think is correct: the answer is "depends, how do you feel about it?"

Like: I object to the "HA well THAT means I get to call women WHATEVER I LIKE because EQUALITY" gotcha phrasing of the question, but it might be that dude's genuinely uncomfortable and doesn't know any other way to phrase it, so.