agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: Seventeen years ago, my husband had an emotional affair with his co-worker. I confronted her when it started (she texted him after finding out we were having marital problems) and told her to please stay out of my personal life. However, the texts and happy hours between them continued for another month or two. I eventually confronted both of them when they were at her house. After that, they stopped communicating. To this day, he still says nothing happened.

The problem is they still work together at our district's public elementary school (and she's still single). When my oldest child attended the school, I was able to change her teachers so she would not be in her class. Fast-forward 17 years and now my other child will be attending the same school and it may not be an option to change her teacher.

While I would love to be the bigger person and let it go, I just can't. Again, it's been 17 years, and I'm still married, but the affair left a huge scar and deep resentment, and I know my blood will boil if I have to see her. I don't want to give her the pleasure of teaching my child. She doesn't deserve it, but if I make a huge deal, then I'm bringing everything to light again, which makes me look unstable. I thought I was able to forgive but not forget, but this upcoming school year is bringing every emotion back to the forefront. Should I just harbor my disgust with her and pretend to let it go, or address the issue again, have her class changed, and look pathetic and jealous? -- Can't Let It Go

Dear Can't Let It Go: Forget about how you would appear to everyone else, and think about how you would feel. It sounds like having your child in this class would be painful and triggering. You will suffer, and as a result, your child will suffer. How will your daughter feel if her mother neglects to ask about her school day, refuses to supervise field trips or show up at the science fair, and tenses up every time she mentions her teacher? For the sake of you, your child and your whole family, switch your daughter's class.

It is completely understandable for you to be triggered by this event. You sound like you are self-aware and willing to work on your marriage. Find a good couples counselor to help you process and overcome this "deep resentment," and make sure your husband backs up you and your daughter.

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So, to be clear, I always kinda raise my eyebrows a little when people talk about "emotional affairs". Sometimes they might be onto something, but sometimes I'm pretty sure they just don't want their partner to have friends.

And, really, what did this Other Woman do? She spoke to her friend about marital troubles that he was having that seem to have had nothing to do with her, and she went out for drinks with him a few times? I notice that LW went out of her way to confront her before her husband, who is the one at fault if anybody is.

But I'm not actually posting this letter because of that, I'm doing it because LW's perceptions are wholly out of line with reality. "I don't want to give her the pleasure of teaching my child" - yeah, no, your kid isn't that great. "She doesn't deserve it" - darn right this woman doesn't deserve to have to deal with LW!

LW certainly should have her child's class changed, because actually I think she might be unstable. Not for wanting the class changed, that's... understandable I guess, if more was going on than LW actually reports in this letter, but for everything else going on in this letter.

Probably she ought to divorce the husband. I don't have any idea if he's actually done anything wrong in this marriage, but clearly LW is not happy.

I'm with you 100%. All the same thoughts with the addition that she clearly has more stuff to work through on her own. She needs a good friend, a counselor, or some self-help books, and badly.

My interpretation of this sentence was that she had requested a change but been refused.

"it may not be an option to change her teacher."

I laughed at the phrase "pleasure of teaching my child" but I think the inverse is true - I don't think it would be good for the teacher to work with someone who has this level of dislike for her. That might have more leverage for the school district.

The only time I ever asked for one of my kids to be assigned to another teacher besides X, I said I didn't think I would be able to treat X fairly. Also there were several other possible classrooms, so I didn't think I was presenting them with a terribly difficult balancing problem. In any case, whether by chance or not, my kid got a different teacher and had a good year.

Edited 2023-12-14 17:31 (UTC)

Yyyyyyep.

I always kinda raise my eyebrows a little when people talk about "emotional affairs". Sometimes they might be onto something, but sometimes I'm pretty sure they just don't want their partner to have friends.

So it's not just me then!

mmm. LW says she ended up confronting the two of them at the woman's house, which is honestly kind of sketch in a situation where one's spouse is commiserating with someone about marital problems and going out for drinks with them. it also sounds like -- if the letter is accurate -- the other woman sent a possibly-inappropriate text after finding out about a coworker's marital problems (we don't know how she found out).

I do think the LW needs to deal with her issues, this many years later, but it doesn't sound on the face of it like she was unreasonable to think this particular woman was making a move on her husband, and her husband at the very least wasn't discouraging it.

17 years, wow. That is a long, long time to not resolve anything with your spouse (the actual person you think wronged you) and project your rage on some random person you never see or talk to. A long time to keep having kids with someone you don't trust. A long time to keep that grudge burning, when it is wildly unlikely that the other party gives a shit beyond a mental note not to talk to Coworker X beyond "hi" because his wife will flip out.

Why have you cast this woman as your nemesis? Why are you still married to a guy you distrust and assume is lying to you that there wasn't an affair? Why the hell aren't you in therapy and talking about all this to someone instead of festering silently in your unhappy marriage, telling yourself the only options are Repressed Silence or Scandalous Explosion?

(I'd suggest solo therapy before couples counseling. There is a whole lot of seething, suppressed fury going on and you know what's great about solo therapy? You can say how angry you are! You can rant about it at length without exploding any relationships! You can be just as unfair and mean as you feel moved to be! And then you can start poking at what's underneath all that.)

Absolutely agree.

Yes, great advice imo.