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Two letters to Carolyn Hax
1. Dear Carolyn: I raised two kids, and I stayed home full time when they were small. Once I went back to work — my youngest was 4 — my life basically revolved around my job and my kids. I made lunches and took them to school in the morning, worked, then came home and spent the rest of my day focused on them.
I’m not saying that’s the only way to do it, but I distinctly remember having almost no energy left over and having to drop some friendships, activities and social groups.
Now my son and his wife, “Linda,” have two children under 6, and Linda has a dance card full of activities every single week. For a long time, it was her and my son’s business, but I am asked to babysit now at least twice a week, sometimes more often. I always say yes because I love my grandchildren, but I catch myself thinking it’s not fair — not to the kids, not to my son and not to me — that Linda seems not to have slowed down her social life whatsoever since having small children.
Is there a gracious way to intervene, or do I just carry these feelings in silence?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Oh, hell no to intervening, oh my goodness. You had it right with, “I’m not saying that’s the only way to do it.” But you let the rest of your question undermine that valid and highly useful idea.
You and Linda are different people with different styles and energy levels. Your grandkids are different from your kids, with different needs and energy levels. You raised your kids at a time very different from now — when it is finally sinking in that it’s not okay to blame the mom!!! but not the dad for the way your son and Linda choose to raise their children.
I am too slow a typist for all these huffy italics.
Let’s keep going with the things-have-changed idea: You say yourself you were whacked at the end of the day — because you loved your kids and wanted to be a good mom, yes, I’m sure. But wasn’t there some part of you also wondering why only moms were expected to erase themselves making sandwiches? Maybe your happiest move is to stand and applaud your generation for helping to reverse the trend of erasure.
I mean, some parents still want to be parents your way — and that’s great! That actually replaces erasure with agency. So what I’m saying is, do you really wish it upon every mom, but not dad, the drudgery you had — kids job kids sleep job kids sleep kids job kids? Or do you celebrate any progress toward fuller lives and balance — and happier, therefore better, parents?
If you don’t want to babysit so much, then say no. Your prerogative. Agreeing to it when you resent how “unfair” it is is unfair. But if you enjoy it, or are happy with x days/week only, then agree to that freely. Your grandkids are getting a great deal: parents who are present but also model a life outside the home, and abundant grandparent time. I’d argue that’s a richer menu, especially if Linda would be resentful by now if she had chosen your “way to do it.”
I haven’t even gotten into the issue of butting in, either. Your good graces with this family are too precious to squander. The best way to maintain them is to adopt this mantra: “Their way is their way! Good for them.”
Link
*****
2. Dear Carolyn: I have two daughters. “A” is 16, a junior in high school. “B” is 15, a freshman. B showed a gift for music at a young age. We encouraged her gift, and she works incredibly hard. When B was in junior high, she outgrew the resources we had in our town. B was accepted into a performing arts high school on partial scholarship, but this required a move to a new city. My husband and I got approval to work remotely from the new city, A is attending the public high school, B is at the performing arts school. B is absolutely thriving at her new school.
At a concert, A met a boy in B’s section and they started dating. B has the kind of focus and intensity that a lot of gifted people have, which makes them really wonderful at their gift but not always able to see the big picture. B sees this relationship as a threat to her music and wants A to break up with him and date somebody at her own school. A refuses. A and B are now engaging in verbal barbs constantly, and it’s getting very difficult to live with. My husband just ignores them and says they’re “doing teenage stuff.” I think this is way beyond normal teenage arguments and there are some very hurt feelings. I want to talk to the girls separately and together about this. My husband refuses to, but also won’t stop me if I try. Do I talk to them, or just let it play out?
— Parent
Parent: Firmly to B: “You do not get to tell other people who they can date. Not your sibling, not anybody. You don’t have to like it, but you don’t get to decide.”
Nip the bud of this egocentric thinking immediately. B already feels the power of moving an entire family to serve her interests. This happens sometimes, and can be for good reasons, but it still introduces an urgent need for balance when the opportunities for it arise organically, lest your household fall under the tyranny of her “gift.” This is one of those opportunities. Tell the tail it does not wag this dog.
To A, the only talking to is, “I have made it clear to B this is not her business, and my advice for you now — and my request — is not to engage when she oversteps into your business.” And: “Stay out of hers, too. No payback.” (Full accounting for adolescent tastes.)
So, yeah. Good luck.
A reader’s thought:
· You reeeeaaaaallllly need to take a step back and evaluate how you treat and view your kids in general. You have allowed one daughter’s needs to determine a whole lot of choices about what your entire family does — which, given her gifts, isn’t inherently a bad thing, but which does mean you need to make sure you’re showing your other child you value her as well. Instead, you’re bending over backward to justify your younger daughter’s incredibly inappropriate response to this situation by framing it as just a part of her giftedness. It sounds as though your older daughter has gone along with all this without complaint. If you want her to spend time with you willingly 10 or so years down the road, you need to view her as someone equally as important as your musician.
Link
I’m not saying that’s the only way to do it, but I distinctly remember having almost no energy left over and having to drop some friendships, activities and social groups.
Now my son and his wife, “Linda,” have two children under 6, and Linda has a dance card full of activities every single week. For a long time, it was her and my son’s business, but I am asked to babysit now at least twice a week, sometimes more often. I always say yes because I love my grandchildren, but I catch myself thinking it’s not fair — not to the kids, not to my son and not to me — that Linda seems not to have slowed down her social life whatsoever since having small children.
Is there a gracious way to intervene, or do I just carry these feelings in silence?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Oh, hell no to intervening, oh my goodness. You had it right with, “I’m not saying that’s the only way to do it.” But you let the rest of your question undermine that valid and highly useful idea.
You and Linda are different people with different styles and energy levels. Your grandkids are different from your kids, with different needs and energy levels. You raised your kids at a time very different from now — when it is finally sinking in that it’s not okay to blame the mom!!! but not the dad for the way your son and Linda choose to raise their children.
I am too slow a typist for all these huffy italics.
Let’s keep going with the things-have-changed idea: You say yourself you were whacked at the end of the day — because you loved your kids and wanted to be a good mom, yes, I’m sure. But wasn’t there some part of you also wondering why only moms were expected to erase themselves making sandwiches? Maybe your happiest move is to stand and applaud your generation for helping to reverse the trend of erasure.
I mean, some parents still want to be parents your way — and that’s great! That actually replaces erasure with agency. So what I’m saying is, do you really wish it upon every mom, but not dad, the drudgery you had — kids job kids sleep job kids sleep kids job kids? Or do you celebrate any progress toward fuller lives and balance — and happier, therefore better, parents?
If you don’t want to babysit so much, then say no. Your prerogative. Agreeing to it when you resent how “unfair” it is is unfair. But if you enjoy it, or are happy with x days/week only, then agree to that freely. Your grandkids are getting a great deal: parents who are present but also model a life outside the home, and abundant grandparent time. I’d argue that’s a richer menu, especially if Linda would be resentful by now if she had chosen your “way to do it.”
I haven’t even gotten into the issue of butting in, either. Your good graces with this family are too precious to squander. The best way to maintain them is to adopt this mantra: “Their way is their way! Good for them.”
Link
2. Dear Carolyn: I have two daughters. “A” is 16, a junior in high school. “B” is 15, a freshman. B showed a gift for music at a young age. We encouraged her gift, and she works incredibly hard. When B was in junior high, she outgrew the resources we had in our town. B was accepted into a performing arts high school on partial scholarship, but this required a move to a new city. My husband and I got approval to work remotely from the new city, A is attending the public high school, B is at the performing arts school. B is absolutely thriving at her new school.
At a concert, A met a boy in B’s section and they started dating. B has the kind of focus and intensity that a lot of gifted people have, which makes them really wonderful at their gift but not always able to see the big picture. B sees this relationship as a threat to her music and wants A to break up with him and date somebody at her own school. A refuses. A and B are now engaging in verbal barbs constantly, and it’s getting very difficult to live with. My husband just ignores them and says they’re “doing teenage stuff.” I think this is way beyond normal teenage arguments and there are some very hurt feelings. I want to talk to the girls separately and together about this. My husband refuses to, but also won’t stop me if I try. Do I talk to them, or just let it play out?
— Parent
Parent: Firmly to B: “You do not get to tell other people who they can date. Not your sibling, not anybody. You don’t have to like it, but you don’t get to decide.”
Nip the bud of this egocentric thinking immediately. B already feels the power of moving an entire family to serve her interests. This happens sometimes, and can be for good reasons, but it still introduces an urgent need for balance when the opportunities for it arise organically, lest your household fall under the tyranny of her “gift.” This is one of those opportunities. Tell the tail it does not wag this dog.
To A, the only talking to is, “I have made it clear to B this is not her business, and my advice for you now — and my request — is not to engage when she oversteps into your business.” And: “Stay out of hers, too. No payback.” (Full accounting for adolescent tastes.)
So, yeah. Good luck.
A reader’s thought:
· You reeeeaaaaallllly need to take a step back and evaluate how you treat and view your kids in general. You have allowed one daughter’s needs to determine a whole lot of choices about what your entire family does — which, given her gifts, isn’t inherently a bad thing, but which does mean you need to make sure you’re showing your other child you value her as well. Instead, you’re bending over backward to justify your younger daughter’s incredibly inappropriate response to this situation by framing it as just a part of her giftedness. It sounds as though your older daughter has gone along with all this without complaint. If you want her to spend time with you willingly 10 or so years down the road, you need to view her as someone equally as important as your musician.
Link
no subject
Amen.