Dear Abby: Talkin' 'bout the birds and the bees and the...you get the idea

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I had planned to wait until my daughter was 12 and in the sixth grade to teach her about sex. Unfortunately, she was given a very thorough, graphically described education by a playmate. At the time, her playmate was in second grade. My daughter was in the third grade. I was devastated. Not only did I feel she was too young, I felt robbed of an experience that should be cherished between a mother and daughter.

I strongly believe that parents should decide for themselves when to teach their children about sex, and the children should not have the experience forced upon them. The playmate's parents like to think of themselves as progressive and nonconformist. When I confronted the mother, she deflected by becoming offended that I would assume they weren't responsible parents. She defended her daughter by saying, "Kids will talk. I'm sure she wasn't out to ruin your daughter's world." Am I wrong to be so offended? -- OFFENDED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR OFFENDED: Yes. Children do talk, and 12 is far too late for them to start learning about sex. By then they have probably received an abundance of misinformation about it from their friends. Children are naturally curious about the world around them. That's why "the talk" should start as soon as a child begins asking questions. The facts don't have to be given all at once; the conversation should be ongoing, with more information added in an age-appropriate way.

Comments

[zulu]

It's been many years, but from what I remember of being twelve, the last thing I would've wanted was to sit down with my mom for a long, involved, detailed talk about the mechanics of sex. (Not to mention I'd been taking sex ed classes in school since grade four). Short, factual answers to questions or statements that arose from situations but weren't harped on would actually be a lot more effective, I'd think.

[jadelennox]

man, I am so relieved, in light of this, that my mother just left a couple of informative illustrated books around and trusted me to read them.

also, how can a parent get annoyed at another parent because two kids had a conversation? (I just realized the kid is only seven now, but the point stands. The seven-year-old I knew played Doctor.)

When I was twelve,, we were literally reading the super porny bits of Valley of the Horses aloud in the classroom whenever the teacher left us alone for five minutes.

[zulu]

Oh man, you too? Yeah, I first read Valley of Horses when I was ten. Definitely was sharing with classmates by 12. I didn't understand it all, but I sure figured out the important stuff fast!

[azurelunatic]

We shared it at ... 11? But at summer camp, not in class. Gaia's mom gave her Clan of the Cave Bear, and the entire series went around our friends group.

[vass]

"I felt robbed of an experience that should be cherished between a mother and daughter."
"the children should not have the experience forced upon them"

Am I the only one getting this weird vibe like LW is sexualising the sex talk itself, and is angry because she wanted to be the one who popped her daughter's sex talk cherry?

[rymenhild]

No. You're not.

[neotoma]

Oh good, it's not just me.

And wow, 12 is way too late, especially as most kids start becoming aware of their attractions between 10 to 13.

[delight]

Yeeeeeeep.

[azurelunatic]

When my mom sat me down and told me about sex, I felt like the experience was forced on me...

[eleanorjane]

Hell no, that was creepy as hell.

[minoanmiss]

WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN

But no, you're not wrong.

[watersword]

....she wanted to wait until her daughter was twelve before discussing sex with her at all? Was she planning to ensure her daughter's menstrual cycle didn't begin before then? It's sort of hard to discuss that without mentioning the existence of sex, and I assume she doesn't want her daughter thinking she's dying when she starts bleeding unexpectedly, as a friend of mine did when she got her period (young, at age ten, but not unheard-of).

There are just so many points of logistical failure for this plan, and yet for some reason this is the one that's making my brain yelp in pain. Without even getting into the emotional weirdness, this is not a plan that's destined for success.

[vass]

It's sort of hard to discuss that without mentioning the existence of sex

Maybe she wasn't planning to discuss it. Or was planning to tell her daughter the Period Fairy brought the blood. Like the Tooth Fairy, but... actually pretty much exactly as macabre.

[jadelennox]

I'm trying to imagine how somebody can be young enough to have a seven or eight-year-old child in 2017, and yet be so sheltered that they don't realize that 12-year-olds have sex. If you are so naive you think not telling her about sex will prevent her from having it -- 2017! -- surely you realize that some of those other 12-year-old to have sex might, you know, talk about sex with your 12-year-old.

Leaving aside puberty, obviously.

[melissatreglia]

Was she planning to ensure her daughter's menstrual cycle didn't begin before then?

How my mother handled that particular bombshell was the best way to handle it, I think. My young self had been freaking out about the sudden bleeding, and Mom was very chill about it. Like, "I know it seems scary, but it's a normal thing that happens, and here's why. Also, here's how you use a maxi pad."

My mom should give the What Happens When You're Biologically Female talk to all the little girls. :)

Also, she trusted me to read up on stuff I didn't know about, and to come to her if I had questions. Which I definitely did, on both counts. Because I knew Mom Knows Stuff.



...But the LW? Yeah, no. I'm getting all sorts of controlling vibes from that one, like she wants to put her little girl's business under a padlocked chastity belt until the girl's old enough to get married. Maybe not even then. And I don't imagine the Monthly Visitor talk going half as well as it did between me and my mom back in the day.

[xenacryst]

Ugh. I started rambling in my first draft of this comment. So, suffice it to say that A) 12 is way too old, B) yes, I'm getting a slightly creepy controlling parent vibe from this, and C) please go look up "What Makes a Baby" and "Sex is a Funny Word". Only, I'm going to highly suspect that the latter of those is going to fly against all kinds of prejudices you won't admit to having, so yeah. I'm just going to sit here and hope your daughter comes out of this ok despite your best efforts.

[shirou]

I just want to add that Abby, for once, gave a pretty good answer.

[likeaduck]

Okay so...you don't want anyone but you to control when your daughter learns about sex, and to do this you want nobody, including her peers, to talk about sex to her or where she might hear, so really you...want to control when everyone else's kids learn about sex?

And they're the ones who are taking your rights away?

?????

[minoanmiss]

Yeah. A lot of people in the US seem to be using that kind of 'logic' to claim their rights are being infringed.