Carolyn Hax: All in good fun

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: I heard my new sister-in-law, “Ann,” call my husband a jacka--, and I don’t know whether to talk to her about it. I heard Ann and her best friend whispering about something at a recent party, and I admit it: I eavesdropped. I heard her friend say, “Is the short one the jacka-- brother-in-law?” And Ann said, “No, it’s the tall one,” meaning my husband.

My husband likes Ann, but he also likes to tease and joke around about some of Ann’s quirks. She is nice and a good hostess, but she’s also kind of pretentious. Like she’ll use cloth napkins and china plates for a cookout, put flowers in a salad and call pouring custard “crème Anglaise.” So my husband teases her, saying she spilled flowers in the food or calling her Martha Stewart — mild stuff like that, all very good-natured. I know he’d be surprised and hurt if he knew what she thought of him.

I think this could blow over if I explained to her that it’s all in good fun and that he really does like her, but I’m not sure how to bring it up.

— Anonymous

Anonymous: The fastest blow-over opportunity is for your husband to stop being a jacka--.

You think it’s “mild stuff” and “all very good-natured,” but what you describe is an established member of a family constantly hammering on about how different a new member is from everyone else.

Have you ever been in that environment yourself? It’s never as pleasant or harmless as the person creating it thinks, especially over time.

You assume she’ll be okay with it — and therefore you and your husband can avoid making any effort yourselves — as soon as she knows it’s “all in good fun.” Maybe you’re even right about that. But you haven’t accounted for other reasons his remarks might annoy her. She could fully understand he likes her and means well, for example, and still find his shtick unfunny, annoying or stale. Even a crackin’-good Martha Stewart joke is a bad one the second or 17th time.

So the decent move is to flip your intervention impulse 180 degrees: Support Ann, and coach up your spouse. First, pick a quiet moment and suggest to him that the Ann jokes are wearing thin. Remind him you both like her, yes? And she knocks herself out to make things nice for her new extended family? So maybe just an even-more-good-natured “thank you” will do.

Then: When your husband still says, “Oops, there are flowers in the salad,” har-dee-har, say to Ann: “Ignore him. That looks amazing. Where’d you get the recipe?”

When she breaks out the china and cloth napkins, compliment her table. What’s china for at this point, anyway: adding a formal touch to the attic it sits in? And cloth napkins are: (a) Environmentally sound. (b) Much nicer and more practical than paper. (c) Homespun as all get-out. Choose whichever you’re least likely to pick on.

When she refers to crème anglaise, consider that she, like me, never heard the term “pouring custard” until you used it. Because this big country has a lot of regional pockets that we’re all born into by no choice of our own. To her, I’m guessing, you’re all a bunch of “quirks.”

Comments

[cereta]

Oh, hello, my brother and every damn enabler in my family.

Someone can mean something "in good fun" without it being the slightest bit fun for the object. What the person does then is the difference between a friendly jokester and a jackass.

[ashbet]

I have never in my life heard crème Anglaise called “pouring custard” until this column.

(I’ve lived in France, the Midwest, the East Coast, and Texas.)

The LW and their husband both sound like jerks, and the “jokes” sound meanspirited and exclusionary.

[shanaqui]

Cloth napkins can be washed rather than tossed, proper plates can be washed rather than tossed, the salads are probably tasty or what she likes or what she grew up with, and crème anglaise is just what a lot of people damn well call it (maybe not where LW lives/grew up, but nonetheless). LW and her husband need to grow up, they're being jackasses.

[neotoma]

I think the husband is a jackass -- he doesn't know when to quit with the teasing, and he's not taking hints or even direct talks. It might blow over if LW explained to her husband that he needs to cut out the teasing, because SIL doesn't appreciate it and it's souring her on him.

Also, the horrors of putting edible flowers in a salad!

[conuly]

I know he’d be surprised and hurt if he knew what she thought of him.

Whereas she isn't surprised that LW and Husband think she's pretentious, because they won't shut up about it.

I know which person in this letter I am most sympathetic to, that's for sure. But who knows, maybe the term "Jackass Brother-in-Law" is an endearment, all in good fun.

[watersword]

My God, can it be, an advice column answer that isn't full of victim blaming????

[ioplokon]

I really feel like teasing, at a bare minimum, should come under "don't bro me if you don't know me" rules. Like, until you know someone well enough to know what their sense of humor is, and until they know you well enough to know it's all in good fun (which this isn't? you genuinely think she's pretentious and judge her negatively for it!), just be nice??

[castiron]

LW calls Ann "pretentious", and then says "oh, my husband would be hurt that Ann thinks he's a jackass because he pokes fun at her all the time"??? Yeah, LW needs to take a long look in the mirror, because this "knock someone down to size" bullshit is assholery.

[mrissa]

Jesus Christ the pouring custard

POURING CUSTARD

My ability to even left my body

[annotated_em]

If it would hurt the husband's feelings to know that the new sister-in-law is calling him a jackass, then maybe he should stop acting like a jackass.

Also, LW should consider that eavesdroppers rarely hear anything good about them and theirs. Sis-in-law didn't call husband a jackass to his face; she was talking to her best friend, who has clearly been the recipient of previous confidences.

ETA: Oh and add me to the tally of "never heard of pouring custard till today" folks.

[petrea_mitchell]

Add me to the list of people who have never until today heard the term "pouring custard". Or, for that matter, "crème Anglaise".

[minoanmiss]

When I saw the title I said "oh no" and the letter did not disappoint (in how much the LW disappoints)

I have heard the term "pouring custard"! I think on a British cooking show that was not the GBBO.

That said:

Dear LW's husband, a White man (so you'll respect his authority) once said the failure mode of "clever" is "asshole".

Dear LW: eavesdroppers never hear anything good. I am however slightly relieved that you and your husband are assholes together. You might have married other people and eroded their spirits with endless "teasing".

Dear Ann: please invite me over. I will bring you my favorite lavender lemon pound cake, the one that an ex-boyfriend "teased" me was poisonous until I cried.

[torachan]

Not sure I could have told you what crème Anglaise is, but I've heard the term whereas I've never heard the term pouring custard. (Pouring custard is definitely more straightforwardly descriptive! I can immediately imagine what it would be. But I've never heard it called that lol.)

[ethelmay]

Maybe she's calling him a jackass all in good fun and he should be a good sport about it. That would make just as much sense. (Also, what's with the "jacka--" spelling? It's not an obscene term.)

[oursin]

What I want to know is, how many times has he made these 'all in good fun' remarks? Because there is a point where it's not just the remark itself, it's the nineteenth time he's called her 'Martha Stewart' and the joke was old to begin with. A lot of these 'joke around' types are seriously lacking in coming up with fresh material, or indeed knowing what's funny in the first place.

[katiedid717]

As someone who likes to make sparkly mocktails, pretty cheeseboards, and host dinner parties, I think I want to be friends with Ann. There's nothing wrong with trying to add a little bit of fancy to your life.