a weird one from Care & Feeding

[laurajv]

Dear Care and Feeding,
Recently, my daughter gave me a hard time about coming to help for two weeks when I was going to be laid up with major surgery. When her husband arrived, my husband—who has cognitive issues—let the dog loose by accident and the dog bit my son-in-law (the dog had never seen him before) and there was one puncture (no stitches). Well, my daughter reported me and the dog to animal control, but she didn’t tell us until after she left town. I now feel I cannot trust her, and my husband and I feel she did this intentionally. Am I wrong to want to have nothing to do with her? The dog is a sweetheart and my constant companion.
—Disgusted Parent

Dear Disgusted Parent,
Is it crappy that your daughter reported you and the dog after she skipped town? Yes, it is—based on your version of the incident, which is all I have to go on, I think she should have talked things out with you first. However, I get the sense that your relationship with her was damaged long before this visit took place, because most adult children would’ve handled the situation differently—this feels like retaliation for more than just a frightened nip. Either way, you should contact her and try to figure out why she took such drastic action without warning. If you don’t receive a satisfactory answer, then I would have no problem with you choosing to love her from a distance for a while. Once you’ve cooled down, if this relationship is important to you, then you should take time to repair it, even if it means going to a family therapist together to figure out where all these negative emotions are coming from. I understand your anger, but holding onto it forever will only damage you in the long run. Speak to her when you’re ready, and hopefully cooler heads will prevail.

Comments

[topaz_eyes]

There's so much Missing Information here. I agree with C&F that LW's relationship with her daughter was damaged before this incident. I wonder if the dog bite was a "last straw" situation for the daughter. A puncture wound is serious whether stitches are needed or not. It's not something to gloss over yet LW seemed to expect that from her daughter and SIL.

And tbh I'd be worried if LW's husband's cognitive issues might impact his ability to control the dog in future. Again, so much info is missing.

[melannen]

Yeah, this is one of those letters that's more missing information than actual information.

Who was the one pressing for two weeks of help? Was Daughter the one helping or SIL? Did the helper stay for two weeks or were they coming to visit? Were they helping you with your health issues or were they being a carer for Husband or did you drop both on them without discussion? Was this the beginning or end of the visit? Did you have any plan on how to handle a dog who's bad with strangers during this entire two weeks? Does "skipping town" mean "she went on vacation to Ibiza" or "she went home, which was a long way away, after staying with us for two weeks"? Was Husband letting the dog out forseeable or the result of unique confusion because of the visit? Was the dog biting a stranger forseeable?

(Is this a Newfie or a Pom? Not that's its good either way, but the fact that you're not specifying makes me wonder.)

Why on earth has a SIL who is close enough to help out for two weeks *never met your dog*?

[ashbet]

The Missing Information is EXTREMELY LOUD, and my one takeaway is that the LW's account is not to be trusted!

(And, yes, mandatory medical reporting of dog bites is extremely common, so Daughter/SIL may not even have contacted animal control directly!)

[ethelmay]

I read it as the daughter came to help for two weeks, and at the end of the two weeks the son-in-law came to pick her up, was bitten by the dog, the dog bite was reported (probably because son-in-law sensibly had it looked at in case he needed stitches or a shot or something), and once they were back home and the dust had settled, the daughter told her parents that the bite had been reported.