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Ask Amy: Mom Wants Daily Check-ins
Dear Amy: My sister, 60, and her daughter (28) are having a dispute.
My niece went to grad school in another country and has opted to stay for a few more years.
Everyone is happy, but being a young single woman far away (five hour time difference), her mom is constantly worrying about her.
She’s made a few visits to see her and my niece gets back home often. However, my sister feels it’s rude of my niece not to respond to texts from her. She believes it’s not too much to ask my niece for a daily text to make sure she’s all right (alive) — she’d be thrilled with just a return emoji – thumbs up.
My niece believes that touching base two or three times a week is enough.
This is causing a rift.
Also, it hurts her that her daughter wouldn’t want to know that her own mother is alive and well, too.
Any thoughts on how to proceed?
– Uncle Who Cares (I live far away, too)
Dear Uncle: Back in the day, if you wanted to check in with an overseas relative, you would wait for that tissue-paper airmail letter to land in your mailbox. Or you would have a weekly call to catch up.
My point is that with the ability to be in constant contact, people seem to have lost the capacity to manage their own anxieties.
Your niece is not serving in a war zone. Constantly worrying about whether a 28-year-old woman is alive seems excessive, as is expecting this daughter to worry every day about whether her mother is alive.
However – because this dynamic does exist, yes I do agree that the daughter should acknowledge her mother’s daily texts.
My niece went to grad school in another country and has opted to stay for a few more years.
Everyone is happy, but being a young single woman far away (five hour time difference), her mom is constantly worrying about her.
She’s made a few visits to see her and my niece gets back home often. However, my sister feels it’s rude of my niece not to respond to texts from her. She believes it’s not too much to ask my niece for a daily text to make sure she’s all right (alive) — she’d be thrilled with just a return emoji – thumbs up.
My niece believes that touching base two or three times a week is enough.
This is causing a rift.
Also, it hurts her that her daughter wouldn’t want to know that her own mother is alive and well, too.
Any thoughts on how to proceed?
– Uncle Who Cares (I live far away, too)
Dear Uncle: Back in the day, if you wanted to check in with an overseas relative, you would wait for that tissue-paper airmail letter to land in your mailbox. Or you would have a weekly call to catch up.
My point is that with the ability to be in constant contact, people seem to have lost the capacity to manage their own anxieties.
Your niece is not serving in a war zone. Constantly worrying about whether a 28-year-old woman is alive seems excessive, as is expecting this daughter to worry every day about whether her mother is alive.
However – because this dynamic does exist, yes I do agree that the daughter should acknowledge her mother’s daily texts.
no subject
2-3 times a week is above and beyond, if the niece is remotely busy.
My mother wanted to talk to me multiple times a week when we were in the same country, and I had to set a boundary of "weekly catch up call" because she inevitably called when I was in the middle of something otherwise. When she and my stepdad did a retirement year travelling the world, she still wanted that weekly call and we negotiated time zones every weekend for that whole year.
(And yeah, when she was dying, it wasn't a lack of text messages that alerted me, FFS.)