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Ask Amy: Mom Wants Daily Check-ins
Dear Amy: My sister, 60, and her daughter (28) are having a dispute.
My niece went to grad school in another country and has opted to stay for a few more years.
Everyone is happy, but being a young single woman far away (five hour time difference), her mom is constantly worrying about her.
She’s made a few visits to see her and my niece gets back home often. However, my sister feels it’s rude of my niece not to respond to texts from her. She believes it’s not too much to ask my niece for a daily text to make sure she’s all right (alive) — she’d be thrilled with just a return emoji – thumbs up.
My niece believes that touching base two or three times a week is enough.
This is causing a rift.
Also, it hurts her that her daughter wouldn’t want to know that her own mother is alive and well, too.
Any thoughts on how to proceed?
– Uncle Who Cares (I live far away, too)
Dear Uncle: Back in the day, if you wanted to check in with an overseas relative, you would wait for that tissue-paper airmail letter to land in your mailbox. Or you would have a weekly call to catch up.
My point is that with the ability to be in constant contact, people seem to have lost the capacity to manage their own anxieties.
Your niece is not serving in a war zone. Constantly worrying about whether a 28-year-old woman is alive seems excessive, as is expecting this daughter to worry every day about whether her mother is alive.
However – because this dynamic does exist, yes I do agree that the daughter should acknowledge her mother’s daily texts.
My niece went to grad school in another country and has opted to stay for a few more years.
Everyone is happy, but being a young single woman far away (five hour time difference), her mom is constantly worrying about her.
She’s made a few visits to see her and my niece gets back home often. However, my sister feels it’s rude of my niece not to respond to texts from her. She believes it’s not too much to ask my niece for a daily text to make sure she’s all right (alive) — she’d be thrilled with just a return emoji – thumbs up.
My niece believes that touching base two or three times a week is enough.
This is causing a rift.
Also, it hurts her that her daughter wouldn’t want to know that her own mother is alive and well, too.
Any thoughts on how to proceed?
– Uncle Who Cares (I live far away, too)
Dear Uncle: Back in the day, if you wanted to check in with an overseas relative, you would wait for that tissue-paper airmail letter to land in your mailbox. Or you would have a weekly call to catch up.
My point is that with the ability to be in constant contact, people seem to have lost the capacity to manage their own anxieties.
Your niece is not serving in a war zone. Constantly worrying about whether a 28-year-old woman is alive seems excessive, as is expecting this daughter to worry every day about whether her mother is alive.
However – because this dynamic does exist, yes I do agree that the daughter should acknowledge her mother’s daily texts.
no subject
At 28, communicating with your mom 2-3 times a week is no longer a "check in" and at that point has the potential for a full on friendship/relationship (niece could also just be slow to realizing "I live 5 hours away - if I actually decide to talk less there's not much my mom can do about it"). More likely, Mom nailed the parenting thing, and needs to work on overcoming her own anxieties at this point.
There are likely many contributing factors for why niece doesn't worry about her mom being alive:
- Niece doesn't live in a Disney movie - parents aren't likely to have untimely deaths
- Along the same lines as the above bullet - Niece may feel her mom is too young to suddenly kick the bucket
- Niece may recognize in the event mom *does* die between the 2-3 checkins each week there isn't much for niece to do - if mom is already dead, next steps are figuring out what to do with the body/funeral prep. We have refrigeration these days which means rushing to your already dead loved ones' side becomes less "have to get there the second they die" and more of "when I am told, I can rush out to figure out travel plans."
- Niece grew up in the same area where her mother lives and recognizes its not a war zone, it's a safe place to live, and her mother has a loving support system already and thus niece's concern/worry about her mother's safety/health may be unnecessary
At the end of the day, it's none of uncle's business either way. If he feels the need to make it his business, he should be encouraging his sister to go to therapy/get help for the overactive parental anxiety. It's normal for parents to be worried about their kids - wanting daily check ins from your 28 year old child is...a lot. Usually by that point, many people have an extensive support system that has chosen family in addition to family by blood.
I do also wonder if mom is experiencing such separation anxiety due to losing sight of who she is as a person over the years. Trying out some hobbies, volunteering, fostering animals, getting a dog, etc. could all help mom cope with no longer having someone/something in close vicinity to provide care for, and can help mom discover who she is outside of motherhood. If motherhood was really the hobby mom enjoyed and is all she is as a person - volunteering at schools/the library/kids events are a great way for her to care for kids in a way that does not drive her own successfully launched child bonkers.