Ask Amy: My wife goes into slow motion any time we’re trying to make a flight

[petrea_mitchell]

Dear Amy: My wife and I are lucky in semi-retirement to have a cabin in the mountains, a two-hour flight away. We visit this property about once a month.

We also take a two-week vacation in Europe each year.

The problem: I like to be at the airport with time to spare, so I don’t mind sitting for even an hour before boarding. My wife, on the other hand, loves to cut it close. It’s like she goes into slow motion at home the day of the flight.

She seems to find a million last-minute things to do. I always volunteer to help get them done.

We have missed one flight outright and at least three or four others each year are nail biters (we leave the luggage in the car in order to make the flight!).

We solved a monthly family gathering issue of how long to stay by taking separate cars. I can leave after two hours, she can stay four or five, but a solution to the flying issue eludes us.

One of us can’t really get on a plane without the other.

After the missed flight she did better for a time, but my nails are getting shorter again!

Your advice?

– Nail Biter

Dear Nail Biter: I’m getting anxious hives just reading about your wife’s behavior.

Three or four times a year you actually leave your luggage behind in order to run for the plane? Yikes.

You state that one of you cannot get on a plane without the other, but … why not?

If I were you, I would leave a day early for the cabin. Just book and take your own flight, get to the cabin (with your luggage!) and open up the house. If your wife misses her flight the next day, she misses it. More cabin for you.

This is a souped-up version of each taking their own transportation to family events (a move I heartily endorse).

An alternative to this is for you to get your own transportation to the airport within your comfort zone, enjoy your magazine at the gate, and if your wife races in and makes the plane, great. If not – she’ll have to sort it out on her own. Again – more cabin for you!

This solution does not cover your European trip, but if your wife experiences some nail-biters on her own, she might modify her behavior.

Comments

[petrea_mitchell]

Wonder if LW has tried talking to Wife about whether she really wants to visit the cabin or not?

If she does, and she's just having organizational issues, checklists are your friend! Things which need to be packed by the day before, chores to do the morning before leaving, a time to have everything in the vehicle, etc.

[sathari]

Yes, this--- and if it's not not-wanting to visit the cabin (since she's apparently similarly inclined with other trips) then what is she getting out of this? Maybe LW's wife doesn't like being in airports, or waiting areas generally? Especially in the US after 9/11, I can't blame anyone who wants to avoid sitting around in airports amidst the security kabuki theater, waiting for some random person to decide that you "look creepy" or something and sicc the TSA on you, and I say this as someone who does get to airports early (but who hates waiting rooms generally and would rather be just-barely-on-time than sit there and be stared at like a zoo animal while other people also feel free to blare their personal business at the top of their lungs around you). And again-especially, if this behavior showed up post-COVID, maybe LW's wife would rather minimize being around other people in confined spaces? Or, similarly, and again if this behavior is new or worsened post-COVID, maybe LW's wife got used to not-traveling and/or to, say, having all of her things that she needs around her and not having to leave the house and by corollary make sure that, e.g., various appliances are turned off/trash is emptied/the cat's not stuck in the linen closet for three days or however-long they're gone, and now the house-leaving is bringing out a need to check stuff because, again, she got used to not-doing that. (Also, it sounds like they travel a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck of a lot--- once a month to a family gathering AND once a month to a cabin, as well as two weeks out of the house on another continent a year? Maybe she would like a weekend at home more often. This is especially true if there are a lot of household chores that pile up--- the "million things to do" on the way out could be the wife's not-necessarily-conscious way of noticing that there are in fact a bunch of things that need to be done at home and that probably end up on her plate. So maybe getting the chores out of the way up front might help? IDK. And again depending on the things Wife finds to do on the way out, maybe some of these are things LW can do after having left the monthly family gatherings before Wife does?)

[mrissa]

Also on the list of possibilities: I have a friend who feels angry at having WASTED any amount of time they arrive anywhere early for any event including a plane but not limited to it. Where I think, "ah good, plenty of time, I will read my book," my friend thinks, "Wasting my time! what bullshit! I could be [doing list of other things]!" This combines particularly badly with COVID awareness, where instead of thinking "if I'm going to travel by plane, I'm going to spend x minutes in the airport not on a plane, that's part of the deal," they think, "that's x minutes breathed on by randos [while wearing a mask but still] that I didn't have to spend!"

I have made sure not to make plans where I will be annoyed with them for inevitably being late and "wasting" MY time in the cause of avoidance of "wasting" THEIR time--so for example, we will only chat online in circumstances where I'm happy doing something else until they arrive because that's the way I can enjoy it when they do show up rather than being annoyed at their approach. I wouldn't travel with this friend. If what's going on with LW's wife turns out to be similar, there may have to be some "yep, that's not something we can enjoy in exact tandem, we'll just do that separately" decisions.

[sathari]

*wide grin* Good point, and in fact, now that you mention it, that is exactly how I used to frame it--- "Don't waste my time!" And then for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to, as you say, the fact that I can sit there and read a book being a thing, I poked around in my objections to waiting in places and realized it was the zoo-animal thing that was what was actually standing on my last nerve. (Why airports have never triggered that from me, I'm not actually sure, except that it seems like most people are more blessedly self-absorbed and too busy getting to where they need to go to give me the fish-in-a-glass-bowl feeling and also the "being stranded somewhere" thing is apparently a big enough deal in my mind to cancel out the zoo-animal thing.)

[syderia]

I wonder at this point if the wife wouldn't benefit from some therapy. I mean, I understand doing what she does once in a while, but as an habit, it question.

[cereta]

Wonder if LW has tried talking to Wife about whether she really wants to visit the cabin or not?

Or at least visit it as often as they do. Their travel schedule was giving me hives.

[conuly]

This reminds me of a story!

Seriously, though, if they can take separate cars they can take separate planes.

[ambyr]

As someone who hates spending time in airports and considers the occasional missed flight a reasonable price to pay for minimizing that (especially back in the day when I was flying as often as these people se to): this is solid advice from Amy! It doesn’t ultimately matter why the wife is cutting things so close; if it’s bugging the husband, he can and should do his own thing and let her get there when she gets there.

[shirou]

I simply would not be able to travel with this woman. Doing so would spike my anxiety to 11. I travel quite a bit and just pay for lounge access because I prefer to get the airport with plenty of time to spare so that I don't have to stress.

There can be reasonable differences of opinion on how much time one needs at the airport—I am definitely on the long end—but if you are consistently missing flights or abandoning luggage in your car to avoid missing flights, that is not a reasonable choice. I agree that LW needs to do his own thing, but his wife needs to reevaluate her behavior, with a therapist if necessary.

[ashbet]

Yeah, this is a LOT of travel, and “semi-retired” implies that one or both of them are working!

Some of it is probably subconscious reluctance to travel, some could be solved by better organization (I have complex medical needs AND specific toiletries requirements, so I maintain a packing/task list.)

When I was in a long-distance relationship with relatively frequent visits, I kept a bag of necessities at my partner’s house, so that I didn’t have to schlep my special shampoo or the one type of Band-Aids that I’m not allergic to.

But, yeah, this sounds EXHAUSTING — I hope they can sit down in front of a counselor and work out whether the problem is anxiety, time management, reluctance to maintain such a strenuous travel schedule, etc.

[topaz_eyes]

I wonder if Amy missed the real issue here.

It’s like she goes into slow motion at home the day of the flight.

LW, do you give your wife any real say in whether she goes to visit the cabin every single month?

One of us can’t really get on a plane without the other.

I'm guessing you don't. My guess is that she does not enjoy the monthly cabin trips and she's pushing back by cutting it close, which puts you on edge.

LW, you are basically spending at least one entire day (if not 2) travelling to and from your cabin (waiting 2+ hours in an airport, a 2 hour flight, plus however long it takes to drive to the cabin). 1 to 2 days a month is a lot of time spent in transit, especially if you're only staying 2-3 days each visit.

You and your wife found a compromise that lets you leave something you don't particularly enjoy but she does (the monthly family gatherings). So maybe it's time you compromise on these cabin trips. Either go by yourself, or cut back the cabin visits but stay longer to make the hassle of travelling worthwhile.

[swingandswirl]

Just reading about this woman sent my anxiety spiking.

But yeah, there's something deeper going on here. Either reluctance to travel, ADHD, or dude not realizing how much stuff needs done in order TO travel. In his place, I would have a serious convo with his partner, because this is not sustainable. Either they figure out a compromise or get to the destination separately.

[naath]

These people seem rich. Buy things she likes to do to take with, books, knitting, headphones and tablet...

[resonant]

Anxious people sometimes have trouble prioritizing under time pressure. (The spouse missed his flight to the state we were getting married in because at the last minute he decided to clean his oven. True story.)

So maybe she's a fearful flyer, or maybe, as others have guessed, she doesn't want to make the trips in the first place and feels she's not allowed to say so.

They need to talk about their travel schedule sometime when they're not under pressure - I think there's more going on here than practical travel to-do lists.

[cora]

I am so curious to know: They are going to the cabin once a month...is there an option to leave clothes and toiletries at the cabin, so all each spouse needs is a single carry on backpack at most?

Otherwise, I agree with the other comments: LW should talk to his wife and find out if she actually wants to go to the cabin that often. If she does, then LW may need to step up and help manage the household tasks. LW may also need to figure out separate travel plans for the two of them. If leaving things at the cabin isn't an option, then LW could arrange two separate flights. Or they can book the same plane, and LW arrives first, checks in the luggage and all wife has to do is show up and check herself in. Or maybe it's about how the travel is happening and wife isn't a big fan of planes and would rather road trip or take a train. I find the lack of security theater for road trips and AmTrack a vastly more soothing travel experience. Maybe the same is true for the wife. Maybe she's fine with the airplane, but would prefer to travel at a different time of day than the husband wants.

I'm also dying to know:
One of us can’t really get on a plane without the other.
Why not? If one spouse prefers to spend at least one entire day (if not two) traveling each month and its the epitome of hell for the other spouse, why can't the spouse who enjoys travel go do the thing, while the spouse who would rather not gets to stay home? I completely understand this sentiment for annual or even biannual travel. I'm baffled at this sentiment for once a month travel.

[melannen]

I wonder if this is related to a split I've experienced: I've found that a lot of people are either anxious about *flying*, or anxious about *catching their flights*, and there's remarkably little overlap between the two, but they often have trouble communicating with each other if they're both just filing it away as being anxious about the trip. Like I know someone who's totally laid-back about getting to the airport, and if they get there a bit early use the time to get at least slightly drunk at an airport bar, so they aren't as anxious about whether the plane will crash once they get on it. I could not fly with them! I could never drink in the airport because I spend the whole time I'm at the airport making sure I'm in the right place at the right time and double-checking where my passport and boarding pass and luggage and traveling companions are, and that I'm not carrying anything that will be a security issue, and that I'll have everything I need to get out of the airport on the other side in easy access, and there's enough in my carryon that if my luggage gets lost I'll be okay, and --- but once we've boarded the anxiety goes away and I relax right down and spend a few blissful hours staring at clouds.

If LW is like me but Spouse is trying to distract herself from being afraid they will die in a firey ocean crash, that's worth exploring and figuring out.