Dear Pay Dirt: We Are Millionaires. My Husband Insists We Can’t Afford This “Luxury.”

[jadelennox]

[Note from poster: Sometimes you start reading a pay dirt column and you get to the answer and you think dear god that must be Athena because in a million years I cannot imagine Elizabeth writing those words. And it turns out you are right, self!]

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I live in a home with large lot that requires a lot of upkeep.

Neither of us enjoys yardwork, and my preference would be to hire it out. We are both well-compensated attorneys who work 60-hour weeks; time is far more precious to me than money. But my husband says paying someone else is a “waste” and that we “can’t afford it.” (We are literally millionaires). He insists on doing everything himself, for hours every Saturday, grumbling and snappish the entire time because I’m not helping. He also expects a lot of praise for the upkeep, but it’s actively something I would prefer he not do. I would much rather he spend time with the family or recharge his batteries while we pay a gardener a handsome living wage. Do I have to help? How much credit should he get for something I hate that he’s doing anyway?

—I Didn’t Ask for This

Dear I Didn’t Ask For This,

It sounds like he’s doing this out of pride. He’s proving to himself that he can still maintain his yard and home without needing anyone, despite how wealthy he is. That would also explain why he demands credit from you and feels as though he’s not getting enough of it. Whatever the reason, you don’t have to agree with him about the best way to approach this. But you’ve done what you can to convince him to hire landscapers. In the meantime, you might try a different tactic: Offer him a little support.

I would ask him how he would like you to contribute besides helping with the yard work itself (since you’ve offered to pay for it on your end and he’s refused). Does he want you to bring over some water bottles when he’s outside working? Would a nice lunch break together help him feel better about this situation (mind you, of his own making)? I’m not saying that needing constant reassurance from you about a situation you’ve offered to solve isn’t frustrating, but a little reassurance and support can go a long way. Maybe then, he’ll even see the light and come around on those landscapers.

—Athena

source

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

Yeah, this is really dumb advice.

I had the same problem when I was married and never really solved it.

If the guy is the logical sort the only way might be to do the math and show him that his time is worth way more than what a lawn crew would charge. Use his rate as a lawyer.

If he enjoyed it, that would be one thing. But clearly he hates doing it. That should factor in too. This is childhood stuff though. Very hard to dislodge.

I would just take Saturday morning and do something else entirely -- steer clear of the whole thing. Gentle encouragement is not going to make a dent in this guy's issues.

[minoanmiss]

The other day I read about a woman whose final straw with her e husband was that when she had gotten her garden to a beautiful state he refused to even look at it

I think the difference might be that that woman wanted her husband to appreciate her beloved hobby. Whereas this husband wants his wife to appreciate his self martyrdom If he liked the yard work I would think a little praise would be in order but selfmartrydom isn’t a healthy thing to praise.

[movingfinger]

The 60-hour-weeks seem to be a part of the problem here, really.

If the tiny amount of free time this guy has is spent on yard work, and he apparently doesn't actually enjoy yard work for its own sake but does it because he wants the class cred that doing his own yard work brings, although it exhausts him, he could try working five or six fewer weekly hours and doing a little each evening in a puttering way.

I agree that pointing out his hourly rate is far more than a crew of three or four landscapers, even skilled ones, might be one way to get through to him. Otherwise, LW will just have to wait for the heart attack. (Although finding the landscapers who won't weed the groundcover out of existence and trim everything into bowling balls is so hard, so the LW needs to know about that challenge.)

[purlewe]

I only think that losing 5-6 hrs might be hard as the firm will add up your hours at the end of the year and they will come down on your head and refuse to give you bonuses or equity etc

[sathari]

...time is far more precious to me than money.

Dear LW: Bless you, bless you, bless you, and I know you have better things to do with your time, so will someone else please take up the task of writing an advice column with that theme? I digress, but it's beautiful.

Also, presumably, while there are all kinds of lawyers and all kinds of law jobs, I would think that LW's husband is indeed familiar with the concept of billable hours and the idea that his time is indeed worth something. This is a thing to sit down and hash out with each other because nobody is happy with this state of affairs and there is almost certainly some solution where they're both happier than they are now. (Hey, maybe there's some alternate style of landscaping that would improve the property value and be more low-maintenance; conversely, maybe there's a different kind of garden/yard/whatever that they could put in that he'd like working on, at least more than he does this one! Or, you know, maybe they need to look into moving to another property with less outside work! There, that's three options off the top of my head that are not/i> the advice columnist's rather useless answer.) (For some reason, I'm reminded of the letter-and-updates from earlier this week, about the two-lawyer couple where the husband started out being self-righteous about personal development--- and by extension personal misery--- and came to the realization that he was the one with the problem. I don't think this one is going to be that bad, but then again it might be once they dig under why husband is insisting on doing something he hates when there are other options.)

[jerusha]

I'm a lawyer, and my boss (another lawyer) is fond of telling the story that his ex-wife insisted that he do yardwork, and he insisted on paying for it being done. Because life is too short to do shit you hate if you can afford to pay someone else to do it for you, and stimulate the economy while doing so. Best advice I've ever received.

[castiron]

Yep. It's one thing to do it yourself because you enjoy it. Or to do it yourself because you can do it, need to do it, and can't afford to pay someone else.

But when you hate doing it and can afford to pay someone else to do it? Pay someone else to do it! If they're really good at it, pay them really well!

[green_grrl]

If this guy really wants to maintain his yard work cred, he should pick one, least-hated chore: The rider mower. The shrubs under the front windows. The flowers around the mailbox. The hedges between the neighbors. Outsource the rest, and once a month he can spend a couple of hours reassuring himself he is putting in his sweat equity.

[resonant]

After all these years of living with the spouse, I have concluded that some men have a childhood experience about Manly tasks like yard work and household repairs that is analogous to the childhood experience some women have with weight, food, and attractiveness.

Which is to say: it's all intensely loaded for them in a way that's incomprehensible to an outsider, and they find it difficult to be rational about it and painful to think and talk about it, because their self-esteem started getting wrapped up in it when they were in preschool and never quite got disentangled.

I don't know what I'd advise the lw to do. Possibly start looking for a different home in some condo community where yardwork is part of the contract?

[minoanmiss]

Oh, very good point. *makes a note*

[feast_of_regrets]

I think you absolutely have a good point here, and I'm glad you made it because I've never really thought of it in those terms.

I cannot get my dad to stop mowing the grass that it does neither him nor anyone else any good to mow since he lives on a farm ten miles outside of town. He hates it and I'm pretty sure it's the thing that's actually going to kill him. Still, gotta mow the grass!

[firecat]

She (I assume) is not going to get him to do what she wants by bringing this up over and over. He's an adult who gets to choose what he does with his time. She's an adult who gets to choose what she does with her time, which means she gets to say "I'm not helping you with the yardwork." Also she should stop making herself responsible for his mood. If she feels he's not spending enough time with her or the family, she needs to make that a separate discussion and let him decide what part of his life he will carve the additional family time from.

I have to admit I wonder how he would react if he demanded she help and she said "I will not help because I don't enjoy it, but I will pay out of my own salary for a helper for you."

And if she has no discretionary income and it's all jointly managed, she needs some discretionary income.