Couple Quarrels Over Piece Of America's Shameful Past
DEAR ABBY: I am a Hispanic-American woman who has been married to my husband for three years. He was born and raised in North Carolina. He's a wonderful person. We both share a passion for antiques, and we love researching and learning about the past. My husband is white, and he grew up in times of segregation. He feels comfortable sharing and showing stuff from that time.
A year ago, we watched the movie "Green Book" about the travel guide published from 1936 to 1966 for African American travelers to use when discrimination was widespread. After that, he became obsessed about buying a copy of an actual Green Book and, regardless of my concerns, he did.
We recently bought a Victorian house built in 1900 and have been excited about renovating it and keeping it as close as possible to the original style. We have also enjoyed buying antique furniture to recreate that time in our home.
My husband bought an old wall phone and hung the Green Book on it. I expressed to him how uncomfortable this makes me, but he insisted on hanging it in the sitting room. When one of my friends comes over, I try to hide the book, but my husband finds it and hangs it back on the phone.
I wasn't born in America, but I am a naturalized citizen and familiar with the sad period of segregation the book represents. What do you think about this? Am I too sensitive to the issue? Should I just take the book and place it in the trash? -- OFFENDED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR OFFENDED: What is your husband's motivation for having and displaying the book? He may be a wonderful man, but he is insensitive to your feelings. Because you have already told him how uncomfortable it makes you, it is beyond inconsiderate that he would hang the Green Book in your shared sitting room.
Resist the urge to destroy it, but when friends come over and inquire about the book that is so prominently displayed, don't hesitate to tell them -- in plain, unvarnished language -- how you feel about it. You are entitled to your feelings.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2843449
A year ago, we watched the movie "Green Book" about the travel guide published from 1936 to 1966 for African American travelers to use when discrimination was widespread. After that, he became obsessed about buying a copy of an actual Green Book and, regardless of my concerns, he did.
We recently bought a Victorian house built in 1900 and have been excited about renovating it and keeping it as close as possible to the original style. We have also enjoyed buying antique furniture to recreate that time in our home.
My husband bought an old wall phone and hung the Green Book on it. I expressed to him how uncomfortable this makes me, but he insisted on hanging it in the sitting room. When one of my friends comes over, I try to hide the book, but my husband finds it and hangs it back on the phone.
I wasn't born in America, but I am a naturalized citizen and familiar with the sad period of segregation the book represents. What do you think about this? Am I too sensitive to the issue? Should I just take the book and place it in the trash? -- OFFENDED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR OFFENDED: What is your husband's motivation for having and displaying the book? He may be a wonderful man, but he is insensitive to your feelings. Because you have already told him how uncomfortable it makes you, it is beyond inconsiderate that he would hang the Green Book in your shared sitting room.
Resist the urge to destroy it, but when friends come over and inquire about the book that is so prominently displayed, don't hesitate to tell them -- in plain, unvarnished language -- how you feel about it. You are entitled to your feelings.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2843449
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It would be very very different if the husband was Black,
but because the husband is white, it feels like
a) he's treating an artefact of painful history as a decor object; or
b) he's acting like he's nostalgic for a more racist past; or
c) he wants to get cookies for how enlightened he is; or
d) he thinks his desire to show how much he liked the film The Green Book is more important than any harm having the book there might cause any Black friends who visit.
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But it's a weird and possibly offensive choice that cannot be handled by throwing it out or by dragging friends into the middle of this dispute.
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f) he is at the beginning of his anti-racism journey and is being embarrassingly European American about the whole thing
If it's F, there are plenty of much better book he could have chosen. A few examples: The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander, Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America by Ibrim X Kendi, Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man by Emmanuel Acho (this one is a favourite of a lot of performative coworkers of mine, Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?: And Other Conversations About Race by Beverly Daniel Tatum.
I also don't know that the green book itself is offensive so much as the portrayal in the film. "We did this really atrocious thing to you/your culture - so we're just going to not talk about it out of 'respect'" is something mainstream American culture does all the time. It seems like LW is trying to continue this tradition, while husband is trying to figure out "how do we talk about very real, very hard things the Manifest Destiny/Capitalism culture has done to other cultures?"
Either way, whether the decor is or isn't racist is pretty irrelevant for LW & spouse. They're really having an issue that boils down to respect for each other and ability to compromise. Why does husband feel it is appropriate to have a piece of decor his wife hates so much in a shared space? Why is he unwilling to either compromise (it goes into a room that isn't necessarily a shared space or isn't occupied by everyone as much such as the kitchen, den, study, bonus room, etc) or just get rid of the decor piece? Why does he feel that his opinions on this piece of decor are more important than LWs? When would it be okay for LW's feelings about decor to override her husband's?
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This.
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And now that I've done that, this is what I think:
1. There is almost never a good reason to throw out another adult person's possessions without their permission. "I don't like this on my wall" is certainly not the very rare case when it might be called for - indeed, I'd go so far as to say that this is abusive behavior. I don't care how irritated you are, if you've gotten to the point where you're discussing this like it's a rational option, you've gone too far.
2. What's conspicuously missing from this letter is reasons. We know that Husband feels strongly about having this book on his wall. We know that LW feels equally strongly about not having it there, and considers it offensive.
But at no point did LW tell us why either of them feels this way. And this is important context! Important context that LW apparently doesn't feel Abby needs, so... did she feel Husband needs it? Or did she just say "I don't like it" and expect him to fill in the blanks? And on the flipside, did he explain his feelings, or did he just say "I want it, and it's my house" and expect her to go along with it? Is there communication happening?
3. Resist the urge to destroy it, but when friends come over and inquire about the book that is so prominently displayed, don't hesitate to tell them -- in plain, unvarnished language -- how you feel about it. You are entitled to your feelings.
She's entitled to her feelings, and she may even be correct, but that doesn't make it okay to drag guests into the middle of her marital dispute. Don't do this. Just don't. That's not punishing Husband, that's punishing your friends and family, who genuinely don't want this.
4. I have no idea whether or not this is offensive or not. I certainly think it's an odd choice of decor for a white man with no connection to explain why he feels so strongly about it, but I don't know whether or not it's offensive. I'm offering no opinion on that.
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Yes, if I think "what is a reasonable reason to throw out someone else's stuff without asking them for permission beforehand?" I come up with off the top of my head
a) the stuff is actively hazardous in some way - mould, asbestos, food poisoning bacteria, radioactive, smallpox
b) you're flushing drugs before a police raid to avoid the person whose drugs they are getting arrested
c) you're disposing of incriminating political leaflets/books before an imminent police raid if you live in a country where "women should have the right to vote/not wear a hijab" can get you arrested or jailed
d) as c, but for abortion access/abortion rights before an imminent police raid
e) you don't live with them anymore, and you've said "please collect your stuff within 30 days/60 days/90 days or I will throw it away" and despite repeated reminders, they have not collected their stuff and they don't have a reason (like eg being in hospital) for not collecting their stuff
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2) I would LOVE to hear this guy’s reasoning.
3) If something racialized made my partner uncomfortable to this extent, I WOULDN’T FUCKING DO IT (particularly since he’s the one with maximum privilege here.)
This whole thing feels gross and performative on his part, and there’s no really benevolent motivation that I can think of — he’s either trying for a “wokeness” cookie, or glamorizing the Jim Crow era.
Since the entire point of the Green Book was to tell Black people where they could travel without being MURDERED, having it out when guests of color are visiting is tone-deaf at best, malicious/menacing at worst.
I promise, there are ways to decorate an older house that don’t require memorabilia of horrific racism to be “period.”
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Why does the husband want to display a trophy of a more racist past? That’s my question about him. Hanging it on the phone makes its diorama and this one doesn’t feel educational.
But more importantly for LW. She asked her husband not to do something he could easily have done and he just refused. How many times have we seen that pattern? Ugh.
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If there were a real historical link - if he were preserving memorabilia from the family that had owned the house for example - this race issue would be somewhat alleviated. If there were ANY connection beyond the fact that the house was already in existence when the book was published, that would at least make it more understandable, though still awkward. In the absence of that it's so weird that it's actually alarming: nobody is sure if it's meant as performative anti-racism or as a threat! Which is the opposite of the effect you would want of you were after cookies, obviously, so if that's what's behind it he must have amazingly bad judgement.
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Yes this so much this!
This discussion had me interrogating my own reaction, not least because I recently wrote an entry about disgust and politics, but I don’t find this situation disgusting but * worrisome *. I am not getting any positive messages out of his actions here.
Sent from my iPhone
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(and if the underlying disagreement is that Husband doesn't want to whitewash over segregation in their historical project, and LW thinks being reminded of racism when studying history is uncomfortable, I don't think I want LW on my side.)
(but also a Green Book is not even slightly Victorian. Get a shelf of vintage W.E.B. du Bois books or something, many of which were deliberately marketed to white folks too.)
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If he's actually interested in the period and culture, he can find more memorabilia, put together an educational selection, and donate it appropriately.
(I collect old guidebooks; if I ran across something like this, I'd consider it in that context, but I'd probably leave it for someone for whom it would be more resonant.)