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Dear Amy: I had a 42-year career as a speech-language pathologist, working with young children. Early childhood development was my professional specialty. I made sure to provide my own children with play-based preschool opportunities. As they grew and showed interest in certain activities, we provided those opportunities for them in art, music and sports. Both children are now successful professionals.
Our son and his wife are the parents of two children, ages 3 and 1. They let us know early on that they would accept no input or support, even when they shared their struggles and challenges. Not even a book suggestion was welcome. I have respected their wishes, and I respond to texts, e-mails and rare phone calls with generic positive statements like, “Thanks for sharing that photo!” and “It looks like he’s doing great!”
Now, our daughter-in-law is sending photos and videos of our 3-year-old granddaughter in a peewee “cheer” program. She is on a “performance team,” complete with uniforms with short-shorts and bare midriffs. For the competitions, she wears full makeup, including bright red lipstick. Her parents haven’t enrolled her in a regular preschool yet, but they apparently are fine with this environment.
I have not responded to the most recent “cheer” photos and am not sure how to approach my son and his wife about my concerns. I am sick to my stomach that this child is not receiving typical child-focused, play-based learning opportunities – and worse, that she has been put into a program that appears to me to be sexualizing young girls, to their future detriment.
I feel I must speak up and advocate for this child by trying to protect her childhood. How should I do this?
Dear Horrified: You may speak up for this child by using your voice, or your pen or your opposable thumbs. When you do, you should prepare yourself for the likelihood that these parents will react badly, cut you off, and continue exercising their judgment without regard for your views.
I happen to share your opinion, as well as your concerns, regarding toddler “cheer” squads, “beauty” pageants, and the like. But these parents have the right to be flawed – or terrible – parents. They may continue making unenlightened choices throughout.
They obviously have (extremely) different values than you do, and they are demonstrating their values through their parenting choices. You can definitely try to “protect” your granddaughter’s childhood, but the best way to do that is to maintain a relationship with the child that is sage, kind, accepting and healthy. And the way to the child is through her folks. I think you should continue to be extremely judicious in your reactions, and also force yourself to attend one of these competitions. You can say, “This isn’t my thing, but whatever the kids are up to, I want to be there.”
https://www.mercurynews.com/2023/07/02/ask-amy-sickened-by-childs-cheerleading/
Our son and his wife are the parents of two children, ages 3 and 1. They let us know early on that they would accept no input or support, even when they shared their struggles and challenges. Not even a book suggestion was welcome. I have respected their wishes, and I respond to texts, e-mails and rare phone calls with generic positive statements like, “Thanks for sharing that photo!” and “It looks like he’s doing great!”
Now, our daughter-in-law is sending photos and videos of our 3-year-old granddaughter in a peewee “cheer” program. She is on a “performance team,” complete with uniforms with short-shorts and bare midriffs. For the competitions, she wears full makeup, including bright red lipstick. Her parents haven’t enrolled her in a regular preschool yet, but they apparently are fine with this environment.
I have not responded to the most recent “cheer” photos and am not sure how to approach my son and his wife about my concerns. I am sick to my stomach that this child is not receiving typical child-focused, play-based learning opportunities – and worse, that she has been put into a program that appears to me to be sexualizing young girls, to their future detriment.
I feel I must speak up and advocate for this child by trying to protect her childhood. How should I do this?
Dear Horrified: You may speak up for this child by using your voice, or your pen or your opposable thumbs. When you do, you should prepare yourself for the likelihood that these parents will react badly, cut you off, and continue exercising their judgment without regard for your views.
I happen to share your opinion, as well as your concerns, regarding toddler “cheer” squads, “beauty” pageants, and the like. But these parents have the right to be flawed – or terrible – parents. They may continue making unenlightened choices throughout.
They obviously have (extremely) different values than you do, and they are demonstrating their values through their parenting choices. You can definitely try to “protect” your granddaughter’s childhood, but the best way to do that is to maintain a relationship with the child that is sage, kind, accepting and healthy. And the way to the child is through her folks. I think you should continue to be extremely judicious in your reactions, and also force yourself to attend one of these competitions. You can say, “This isn’t my thing, but whatever the kids are up to, I want to be there.”
https://www.mercurynews.com/2023/07/02/ask-amy-sickened-by-childs-cheerleading/
no subject
I further notice that all of the contact examples are "texts, e-mails and rare phone calls." LW's kids "apparently are fine" with things as they are.
It sounds to me like LW is using the "sexualized" activity as a justification to stick their nose in, rather than having any kind of relationship with the child or any real knowledge of the child's life and play opportunities.
LW, your kids keep you out of their lives for a reason, whether you want to admit to that reason or not. Stick to the boundaries they've set or expect to be locked out further.
no subject
It sounds like LW's kids are very low contact with them.
The pearl clutching strikes me as super weird. I don't know that peewee cheer is all that different from peewee gymnastics, peewee jazz, peewee ballet, etc. These sports also contains the same "wow, that outfit doesn't leave much to the imagination" and stage make up, too. I wouldn't pearl clutch over ballet/jazz/gymnastics, so I'm puzzled why I would pearl clutch over cheer. The same "ensure staff goes through background checks just as teachers do, keep an eye on your child's relationship to self, body, and food" advice applies across the board for all sports. The body dysmorphia (and thus issues with relationship to your body/food) and self esteem/confidence issues tend to pop up more overtly in sports where your entire body is the sport (verses how well you can hit or block a ball).
I also think the pearl clutching about how much skin clothing in a given sport covers and the amount of make up in a sport is a purity culture hang over best left in the 90s. Back then, pedophiles had to interact with kids in person, rather than getting their fill from social media posts made by well intentioned parents. We are now in an era wherein we are starting to ask each other "why do we feel the need to punish a child by removing them from an educational space when they are wearing clothing they find comfortable?" (IE: leggings/spaghetti straps - and it's often only female bodies we feel the need to police in such a fashion. In school it was the girls who needed to get a different top...boys were told to pull up their pants/tighten their belt and that was it. No boy was ever removed from the classroom or suspended for repeatedly letting their pants sag and it was fine for them to get around the 'no underwear' rule by just wearing sports shorts under their regular pants)