Bad advice, bad advice, bad advice!

[conuly]

Dear Prudence,

I work in a small office. My co-worker, “Jon,” recently broke up with his boyfriend who seemed paranoid and controlling. If Jon ever had to stay even 30 minutes late he would become very anxious and start receiving a barrage of texts and calls. “Bruce” even started calling our office randomly to make sure that Jon is there. This was the last straw and Jon broke up with him.

I typically order and receive supplies for the office, so when an envelope showed up, I opened it without a second thought. It was full of photos of Jon in bondage. I thought this was some revenge porn and threw it away immediately without telling anyone. Weeks later, I learned over after-work drinks that Jon is angry with his ex for not returning some personal belongings and is considering taking him to small claims court, but that Bruce swears up and down that he already returned these items. I think this may be the envelope I threw away. Should I tell Jon what happened? I would be so humiliated if someone at work saw my personal photos. In a sense, I think that’s what Bruce likely wanted. He didn’t put a name on the envelope and just addressed it to our office, so anyone could have opened it.

—Letter Opener

Dear Letter Opener,

If your theory is right, Jon is correct that his controlling boyfriend never returned the items to him. Sending something to a person’s office in an envelope that doesn’t have a name on it doesn’t count as returning! By keeping quiet about what you may or may not have opened, you save your colleague from humiliation and you let him proceed with holding Bruce accountable. Most of all, you deny Bruce the satisfaction of knowing that Jon’s co-workers saw his private photos. And keep in mind, you don’t even know for sure if the photos are the belongings he was talking about. So don’t say a word.

I understand the desire to help John, who has been through a lot. But the best way to do that is to continue to be a good friend to him—listening to him over after-work drinks, offering to pick up any tasks that might lighten his load, and letting him know that you understand how much he’s going through and are happy to see that he’s removed himself from a terrible situation.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/06/photos-coworker-revenge-dear-prudence-advice.html

Comments

[conuly]

Jon has a right to know what the hell Bruce did! In the best case scenario, Bruce returned Jon's property in the absolute shittiest way possible, because he was trying to cause Jon humiliation or worse.

In the worst case scenario, this isn't a return of property, this is just straight-up retaliation for leaving, and Jon absolutely needs to know so he can decide what sort of actions to take in response. Jon cannot protect himself if he doesn't know what is happening.

The good news for LW is that probably very few of us are prepared to handle this situation on the first try, so even though it's uncomfortable they can simply go directly to Jon and say "Look, we got an unmarked envelope with no name to this office, and it had some really explicit photos of you. I don't know if that's the property you're looking for or not, but I assumed it was sent as revenge porn to harm you, and I panicked and threw it out. I didn't want to discuss it because I didn't want to participate in Bruce's abusive behavior, but now I realize I should have informed you immediately, and I'm sorry."

[shirou]

I agree with you. An additional reason to inform John is that Bruce, who evidently is in contact with John, may reveal that he sent the photos to the office, and John shouldn't be left wondering what happened when they arrived.

[redbird]

It seems unlikely that those photos are what Jon was going to sue over. Even if he could sue for "make him give back all his photos of me," he'd have to be very specific to avoid Bruce saying "OK, fine, I didn't realize it mattered, here they are" and give him only half the photos. Or even go into court and "I want a witness that I'm returning these. Please inspect these photos, Your Honor."

That's separate from the fact that if, almost certainly, these are digital photos, there's no equivalent of demanding the negatives.

[kiezh]

Yeah, Jon needs to know what happened. It's a hideously awkward situation but I think your script works to try to get through the awkward as gracefully as possible.

[feast_of_regrets]

I absolutely had to go read the comments on this. Very relieved the commenters are pointing out how off base this advice is. Maybe LW will see them.

[minoanmiss]

What is this advice?

People, if it's about work, write Alison.

Meanwhile, LW, tell Jon precisely what you told us. Including Bruce's addressing style and your desire to protect him from revenge porn. He may be embarassed but I'd be $5 he'll be relieved.

[misbegotten]

Sending something to a person’s office in an envelope that doesn’t have a name on it

This isn't what LW said, though. LW said that they opened the envelope, but not to whom it was addressed. It very well could have been addressed to Jon. It is possible that Bruce sent it to the office because he doesn't know where Jon lives now. We need more detail.

Bruce still sounds like a jerk.

[kiezh]

That is what LW said! From the letter:

He didn’t put a name on the envelope and just addressed it to our office, so anyone could have opened it.

[misbegotten]

Oops! Thx!

[dissectionist]

Wow, this is atrocious advice either way. If the pictures are indeed what Jon was looking for, and Bruce says he sent them to the office, Jon is going to be wondering forever who possesses them now and/or who may have seen them and/or if they’re going to pop up in the future. If the pictures aren’t what Jon was looking for, then Bruce’s abusive actions have now been covered for and Jon has no idea he was targeted.