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Care & Feeding: Worried Sick
Content Warning: Anxiety over Illnesses
Cutting here in case someone is not in the headspace to read right now (and the entry is rather long)
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband has always had minor anxiety that’s pretty manageable just by talking about the situation a bit. But since we had kids, that anxiety has found a whole new life in worrying about their health. Both kids were infants during aggressive RSV seasons and it became basically an obsession of my husband’s—no kids coming to visit/meet the babies, very limited exposures, constant hand washing, a frantic “is it RSV?!” at every sniffle, constantly asking me questions about what we would do if they did get RSV, etc. To be clear, I didn’t want our kids to get RSV, either, and I was taking precautions, but I feel he took it to an unhealthy level.
Now every time either kid is even mildly ill (thankfully, nothing more than minor colds and ear infections so far), he is in full-on panic mode. I have to manage everything to do with their care because he is just a basket case of worry, and absolutely nothing I do or say helps. I need this to stop. It’s exhausting taking care of kids when they’re sick and then also trying to talk my husband down off a ledge. I also feel like I can never actually voice any of my concerns related to the kids’ illnesses, because if I am anything other than 100 percent confident in their wellness/ability to recover, it makes his anxiety spiral worse. I know the correct response is that my husband needs to see a therapist for his anxiety, but that isn’t going to happen. I’ve spoken to him about it in every way, from compassionate and caring to direct and cold. I’ve offered to help find the therapist, go with him, etc. He says it’s normal to be worried about your kids, and sometimes gets mad at me because he thinks I’m suggesting there’s something wrong with him. He also points out that his (overall) anxiety isn’t anywhere near as bad as his mom’s or his sister’s—they both have pretty significant anxiety around even daily tasks—so it must not really be a problem.
What can I do that isn’t therapy for my husband? How do I keep my sanity? How do I keep his illness-related anxiety from affecting the kids as they get older? (I don’t want them to be terrified of every minor illness!) How do I keep encouraging him to seek help? Overall, he’s an excellent partner and father, but the thought of something happening to these kids when they’re sick just brings him to his knees and he refuses to face it.
—Worried Sick
Dear Worried Sick,
I understand your frustration, especially since your husband won’t seek help. And of course you want him to see that he’s taking his worry to an extreme and then take steps to address that. But it might help him more, at least initially, if you can try to recognize and validate his feelings, even if they don’t make sense to you. To him, the anxiety probably seems rational, necessary: he’s trying to prevent something bad from happening, or raising the alarm that something bad is happening. Fear is something we all have and can all understand. And remember, even if he sought treatment and things got better, he would still have anxiety. Hopefully, he can learn to manage it better, develop coping skills, etc., but neither you nor he should expect for it to just disappear.
When you talk with him about it, I think it’s important to focus on the impact of his stress and anxiety. Is it affecting his life in other ways, apart from what you’ve shared here? How is he eating and sleeping? How are his moods? The point is not to jump on whatever other symptoms may be present as proof that something is “wrong” with him, but to hopefully help him see that his anxiety is having an impact on his daily life. It doesn’t have to be affecting him in the same way it affects his mother or sister to warrant addressing. It’s already affecting both your lives and his ability to do the daily nonstop work of parenting—if he can’t handle taking care of your kids when they’re sick, or when he thinks they might be sick, that’s significant. You can point out the potential positives of treatment: what a relief it might be, how much better he could feel, if he gets the help and support he needs to cope with some of the stress or anxiety he regularly feels.
I also think it’s fair to calmly, without blame, sometimes tell him how you feel: overwhelmed and alone when the kids get sick; afraid to talk with him about normal parental concerns; worried for him and his wellbeing because you love him. You also need and deserve to feel better than you do right now. And you can admit that you don’t know what to do, perhaps saying something like, “You know, I really want to support and help you, but I admit that I’m out of my depth here. I need help, too.” Try to help him understand that if he’s willing to seek help from his doctor or from a mental health professional, it could help both of you.
You’re already doing a good thing by offering to help him find someone to talk to, offering to go with him, and trying not to base all of your own choices on his anxiety. If you want to talk to a therapist yourself—not for anxiety, but for other things, including what you feel and are dealing with as the spouse of a very anxious person—it can’t hurt. In the end, you can’t force your husband to get help, but you can do your best to take care of yourself, pay attention to your own needs, and put energy into friendships and activities and other things that help you cope and blow off steam. Make sure you’ve got a good support network of your own, relationships with people you trust and can talk to when you are overwhelmed.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/06/babysitting-kibosh-care-and-feeding.html
Cutting here in case someone is not in the headspace to read right now (and the entry is rather long)
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband has always had minor anxiety that’s pretty manageable just by talking about the situation a bit. But since we had kids, that anxiety has found a whole new life in worrying about their health. Both kids were infants during aggressive RSV seasons and it became basically an obsession of my husband’s—no kids coming to visit/meet the babies, very limited exposures, constant hand washing, a frantic “is it RSV?!” at every sniffle, constantly asking me questions about what we would do if they did get RSV, etc. To be clear, I didn’t want our kids to get RSV, either, and I was taking precautions, but I feel he took it to an unhealthy level.
Now every time either kid is even mildly ill (thankfully, nothing more than minor colds and ear infections so far), he is in full-on panic mode. I have to manage everything to do with their care because he is just a basket case of worry, and absolutely nothing I do or say helps. I need this to stop. It’s exhausting taking care of kids when they’re sick and then also trying to talk my husband down off a ledge. I also feel like I can never actually voice any of my concerns related to the kids’ illnesses, because if I am anything other than 100 percent confident in their wellness/ability to recover, it makes his anxiety spiral worse. I know the correct response is that my husband needs to see a therapist for his anxiety, but that isn’t going to happen. I’ve spoken to him about it in every way, from compassionate and caring to direct and cold. I’ve offered to help find the therapist, go with him, etc. He says it’s normal to be worried about your kids, and sometimes gets mad at me because he thinks I’m suggesting there’s something wrong with him. He also points out that his (overall) anxiety isn’t anywhere near as bad as his mom’s or his sister’s—they both have pretty significant anxiety around even daily tasks—so it must not really be a problem.
What can I do that isn’t therapy for my husband? How do I keep my sanity? How do I keep his illness-related anxiety from affecting the kids as they get older? (I don’t want them to be terrified of every minor illness!) How do I keep encouraging him to seek help? Overall, he’s an excellent partner and father, but the thought of something happening to these kids when they’re sick just brings him to his knees and he refuses to face it.
—Worried Sick
Dear Worried Sick,
I understand your frustration, especially since your husband won’t seek help. And of course you want him to see that he’s taking his worry to an extreme and then take steps to address that. But it might help him more, at least initially, if you can try to recognize and validate his feelings, even if they don’t make sense to you. To him, the anxiety probably seems rational, necessary: he’s trying to prevent something bad from happening, or raising the alarm that something bad is happening. Fear is something we all have and can all understand. And remember, even if he sought treatment and things got better, he would still have anxiety. Hopefully, he can learn to manage it better, develop coping skills, etc., but neither you nor he should expect for it to just disappear.
When you talk with him about it, I think it’s important to focus on the impact of his stress and anxiety. Is it affecting his life in other ways, apart from what you’ve shared here? How is he eating and sleeping? How are his moods? The point is not to jump on whatever other symptoms may be present as proof that something is “wrong” with him, but to hopefully help him see that his anxiety is having an impact on his daily life. It doesn’t have to be affecting him in the same way it affects his mother or sister to warrant addressing. It’s already affecting both your lives and his ability to do the daily nonstop work of parenting—if he can’t handle taking care of your kids when they’re sick, or when he thinks they might be sick, that’s significant. You can point out the potential positives of treatment: what a relief it might be, how much better he could feel, if he gets the help and support he needs to cope with some of the stress or anxiety he regularly feels.
I also think it’s fair to calmly, without blame, sometimes tell him how you feel: overwhelmed and alone when the kids get sick; afraid to talk with him about normal parental concerns; worried for him and his wellbeing because you love him. You also need and deserve to feel better than you do right now. And you can admit that you don’t know what to do, perhaps saying something like, “You know, I really want to support and help you, but I admit that I’m out of my depth here. I need help, too.” Try to help him understand that if he’s willing to seek help from his doctor or from a mental health professional, it could help both of you.
You’re already doing a good thing by offering to help him find someone to talk to, offering to go with him, and trying not to base all of your own choices on his anxiety. If you want to talk to a therapist yourself—not for anxiety, but for other things, including what you feel and are dealing with as the spouse of a very anxious person—it can’t hurt. In the end, you can’t force your husband to get help, but you can do your best to take care of yourself, pay attention to your own needs, and put energy into friendships and activities and other things that help you cope and blow off steam. Make sure you’ve got a good support network of your own, relationships with people you trust and can talk to when you are overwhelmed.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/06/babysitting-kibosh-care-and-feeding.html
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From your post, it is very clear your husband has an anxiety issue he needs help managing. I know it's stressful to have him going off in an anxiety spiral any time the kids are sick.
First of all, it sounds like your husband is in desperate need of tools to get himself off these ledges. It should not be on you to talk him off those ledges. Talk to him when things are calm. Help him come to the realization that his anxiety is unhealthy for you and the children. Ask him how he thinks the kids feel when he is in an anxiety spiral while they are sick. What are the kids experiencing when this happens? What do they think is going on? What emotions do the kids feel when they see dad anxiety spiral?
As a spoiler, the correct answers are: "Well, they're probably scared something *really* bad is happening to them. They're probably worrying there is an actual danger. They probably feel unsafe. They're probably confused as to why mom is so calm while dad is anxiety spiraling. Maybe they think mom doesn't care as much as dad does."
You & I are both aware that his anxiety is unhealthy. He is in denial. If this only impacted you, you could make the choice as to whether this is a dealbreaker, however, you have two children together. Two children who are watching their dad anxiety spiral and panic anytime they have a sniffle. Two children are growing up to think common illnesses require an emotional response the equivalent of being in New Orleans right as Hurricane Katrina hits, or on the Titanic right after it hits an iceberg. That isn't healthy for them, and it's not a good lesson to teach your children.
If he continues to be in denial and continues to refuse to get help for his unhealthy levels of anxiety, for the health and wellbeing of the kids, you may need to consider separating from your husband. You are already solo parenting when the kids are sick - removing your husband from the equation may just make things much easier (one less person to navigate/manage).
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With that said, his anxiety absolutely is *affecting* the kids, and also his partner. So, yeah, I think LW needs to set down an ultimatum - either he sees a therapist and possibly also a psychiatrist in order to deal with the anxiety, or they're looking at divorce. LW may also suggest couples counseling in addition - if nothing else, that'll give them something to drop if Husband balks.
LW will want to have a script ready. Fortunately, Husband has already provided his usual rebuttals, so I think LW should start with those.
I’ve spoken to him about it in every way, from compassionate and caring to direct and cold. I’ve offered to help find the therapist, go with him, etc. He says it’s normal to be worried about your kids, and sometimes gets mad at me because he thinks I’m suggesting there’s something wrong with him.
"Husband, we need to talk. The way you act about the kids is not normal and it's harming both them and me. There is something wrong with your behavior."
If he gets mad that LW's suggesting there's something wrong with him, LW can say "No, I'm not suggesting it. I'm saying it. There is something wrong. I am worried about you, and you are harming the kids" before pivoting back to "Either you seek treatment, or we will split up. This is not good for me, and it's not good for the kids."
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Yes, agreed on the genetic comments for anxiety! I am less worried about the kids growing up to be anxious (it happens) and far more concerned for how scary it must be for dad to anxiety spiral when they are sick, and how worried they likely feel for dad on top of being sick, and how potentially they feel unsafe (“if dad thinks this is a a big deal, maybe it is, and mom is under reacting”).
I am not a fan of ultimatums. I don’t think it ends well, but for this situation, yeah, that is pretty much where LW needs to be for her own health and the kids’ health. I bet dad does think his anxiety is normal - he probably hasn’t ever experienced anything different. I was amazed at how much anxiety I was living with when I got meds for it. Until it stopped happening, I didn’t realize what a long conversation “maybe I didn’t buy the apple slicer I wanted” was with myself. On meds, I was able to accept “if I didn’t, the store still has them. They aren’t in limited supply” and move on. I didn’t find myself having to reassure myself repeatedly. Fucking magic!
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Anxious parents do make their kids grow up into anxious adults. It doesn't help that they're genetically predisposed to anxiety, but part of a parent's job is to model handling all kinds of problems. It's the parent who teaches the kid what is and isn't urgent, and what is and isn't an appropriate response to a given issue. It's even more important for anxious parents to master the tools to deal with their anxiety, because not only will it help your kids be less anxious (because everything is not an emergency), it will also help your kids know what to do with their own anxiety.
As anxiety specialist Lynn Lyons says, "If it's nature, it's you; if it's nurture, it's also you."
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All the stuff you're saying is also true and good points, I'm just boggled at how often people think that "leave spouse = magical pixie dust something something children no longer have to cope with this parent."
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It does require a lot of maturity from at least one parent (IE: don't bash your ex in front of your kids - save it for when it's your ex's turn to parent them and you're out with friends). You can validate and empathize with your kids concerns & reassure them that while it can seem like the anxiety spiral is the kid's fault, in reality, it has nothing to do with them ("Yes, it's sad and frustrating when $Parent is in an anxiety spiral. I promise it is not your fault, and has nothing to do with you."), without resorting to bashing the ex.
In reality, LW's husband is still the kids' father. He is either going to always be in the kids lives, or be in the kids lives until they hit adulthood and no longer need a relationship with him (depending on the parenting job he does - and/or whether or not LW makes the choice to 'poison' the kid against her ex). Leaving him will help decrease LW's stress (especially while the kids are sick), allowing space for at least one parent to be more relaxed around the kids.
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This is the only decent piece of advice in this entire letter. LW's husband deals with clinical anxiety. He is used to being the functional one in his family, so he thinks his condition is much more under control than it is. LW needs to talk to a professional who is closer to the situation who can ask additional questions and follow up, and give her concrete advice on protecting the kids and helping steer her husband to getting help. NAMI might possibly be a good resource. I'm not at all sure further confrontation is going to help here without a medical game plan. I'm not a fan of whole man disposal due to mental illness, TBH. But if he continues to refuse to get help, a professional can help LW navigate a separation, too.
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While the anxiety disorder is not the husband's fault, it is his responsibility to learn to accept that he has an anxiety disorder and to get the help & tools he to manage it. LW going to therapy could also help give her tools on how she can help her husband understand there is a problem, it's not his fault, it's not a failing on his part, but he does need to get help and learn how to manage the issue.
I *do* hope LW's husband does get help and they can stay together. Separation does not always lead to divorce. One of my family members issued an ultimatum to their husband over his alcoholism. When he still refused to get help, she got her own apartment and they were separated for a while. It was the wake up call her husband needed to go get the opinion of a professional (and eventually he realized he did have an issue that needed to be addressed). He got the help he needed to be able to put in the work to manage his alcoholism, and they are still together to this day.
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It genuinely never crossed my mind that you had any intention of excluding them :)
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It might not work for everyone. In general, my life is very much intentionally dull. It helped me, though. There were a lot of tough conversations with myself about how no one else can help make an anxiety spiral feel better, and how anxiety spirals are not helpful to any of the goals I have in life, and how allowing myself to spiral* was going to eventually push away the friends I wanted to have “fix” the spiral. I asked myself “what would be ‘enough’? What could someone say or do that would help me calm down and make me feel better?” And I did not have an answer to that question.
*I am not intending to imply everyone with anxiety intentionally spirals. This was during a specific part of my journey where I recognized what was happening and I was fully cognizant of my two choices: manage it, or let it consume me. I made an active choice for letting anxiety consume me. Prior to that specific point in my own journey, I did not have the tools to prevent or de-escalate my anxiety and I had been spiraling because that was the only direction I knew to go.
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I am definitely not portraying medication as a fix-all. However, it struck me that after 20-ish comments, nobody had mentioned medication to address a medical problem. It can be a useful tool.
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