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Care & Feeding: Worried Sick
Content Warning: Anxiety over Illnesses
Cutting here in case someone is not in the headspace to read right now (and the entry is rather long)
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband has always had minor anxiety that’s pretty manageable just by talking about the situation a bit. But since we had kids, that anxiety has found a whole new life in worrying about their health. Both kids were infants during aggressive RSV seasons and it became basically an obsession of my husband’s—no kids coming to visit/meet the babies, very limited exposures, constant hand washing, a frantic “is it RSV?!” at every sniffle, constantly asking me questions about what we would do if they did get RSV, etc. To be clear, I didn’t want our kids to get RSV, either, and I was taking precautions, but I feel he took it to an unhealthy level.
Now every time either kid is even mildly ill (thankfully, nothing more than minor colds and ear infections so far), he is in full-on panic mode. I have to manage everything to do with their care because he is just a basket case of worry, and absolutely nothing I do or say helps. I need this to stop. It’s exhausting taking care of kids when they’re sick and then also trying to talk my husband down off a ledge. I also feel like I can never actually voice any of my concerns related to the kids’ illnesses, because if I am anything other than 100 percent confident in their wellness/ability to recover, it makes his anxiety spiral worse. I know the correct response is that my husband needs to see a therapist for his anxiety, but that isn’t going to happen. I’ve spoken to him about it in every way, from compassionate and caring to direct and cold. I’ve offered to help find the therapist, go with him, etc. He says it’s normal to be worried about your kids, and sometimes gets mad at me because he thinks I’m suggesting there’s something wrong with him. He also points out that his (overall) anxiety isn’t anywhere near as bad as his mom’s or his sister’s—they both have pretty significant anxiety around even daily tasks—so it must not really be a problem.
What can I do that isn’t therapy for my husband? How do I keep my sanity? How do I keep his illness-related anxiety from affecting the kids as they get older? (I don’t want them to be terrified of every minor illness!) How do I keep encouraging him to seek help? Overall, he’s an excellent partner and father, but the thought of something happening to these kids when they’re sick just brings him to his knees and he refuses to face it.
—Worried Sick
Dear Worried Sick,
I understand your frustration, especially since your husband won’t seek help. And of course you want him to see that he’s taking his worry to an extreme and then take steps to address that. But it might help him more, at least initially, if you can try to recognize and validate his feelings, even if they don’t make sense to you. To him, the anxiety probably seems rational, necessary: he’s trying to prevent something bad from happening, or raising the alarm that something bad is happening. Fear is something we all have and can all understand. And remember, even if he sought treatment and things got better, he would still have anxiety. Hopefully, he can learn to manage it better, develop coping skills, etc., but neither you nor he should expect for it to just disappear.
When you talk with him about it, I think it’s important to focus on the impact of his stress and anxiety. Is it affecting his life in other ways, apart from what you’ve shared here? How is he eating and sleeping? How are his moods? The point is not to jump on whatever other symptoms may be present as proof that something is “wrong” with him, but to hopefully help him see that his anxiety is having an impact on his daily life. It doesn’t have to be affecting him in the same way it affects his mother or sister to warrant addressing. It’s already affecting both your lives and his ability to do the daily nonstop work of parenting—if he can’t handle taking care of your kids when they’re sick, or when he thinks they might be sick, that’s significant. You can point out the potential positives of treatment: what a relief it might be, how much better he could feel, if he gets the help and support he needs to cope with some of the stress or anxiety he regularly feels.
I also think it’s fair to calmly, without blame, sometimes tell him how you feel: overwhelmed and alone when the kids get sick; afraid to talk with him about normal parental concerns; worried for him and his wellbeing because you love him. You also need and deserve to feel better than you do right now. And you can admit that you don’t know what to do, perhaps saying something like, “You know, I really want to support and help you, but I admit that I’m out of my depth here. I need help, too.” Try to help him understand that if he’s willing to seek help from his doctor or from a mental health professional, it could help both of you.
You’re already doing a good thing by offering to help him find someone to talk to, offering to go with him, and trying not to base all of your own choices on his anxiety. If you want to talk to a therapist yourself—not for anxiety, but for other things, including what you feel and are dealing with as the spouse of a very anxious person—it can’t hurt. In the end, you can’t force your husband to get help, but you can do your best to take care of yourself, pay attention to your own needs, and put energy into friendships and activities and other things that help you cope and blow off steam. Make sure you’ve got a good support network of your own, relationships with people you trust and can talk to when you are overwhelmed.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/06/babysitting-kibosh-care-and-feeding.html
Cutting here in case someone is not in the headspace to read right now (and the entry is rather long)
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband has always had minor anxiety that’s pretty manageable just by talking about the situation a bit. But since we had kids, that anxiety has found a whole new life in worrying about their health. Both kids were infants during aggressive RSV seasons and it became basically an obsession of my husband’s—no kids coming to visit/meet the babies, very limited exposures, constant hand washing, a frantic “is it RSV?!” at every sniffle, constantly asking me questions about what we would do if they did get RSV, etc. To be clear, I didn’t want our kids to get RSV, either, and I was taking precautions, but I feel he took it to an unhealthy level.
Now every time either kid is even mildly ill (thankfully, nothing more than minor colds and ear infections so far), he is in full-on panic mode. I have to manage everything to do with their care because he is just a basket case of worry, and absolutely nothing I do or say helps. I need this to stop. It’s exhausting taking care of kids when they’re sick and then also trying to talk my husband down off a ledge. I also feel like I can never actually voice any of my concerns related to the kids’ illnesses, because if I am anything other than 100 percent confident in their wellness/ability to recover, it makes his anxiety spiral worse. I know the correct response is that my husband needs to see a therapist for his anxiety, but that isn’t going to happen. I’ve spoken to him about it in every way, from compassionate and caring to direct and cold. I’ve offered to help find the therapist, go with him, etc. He says it’s normal to be worried about your kids, and sometimes gets mad at me because he thinks I’m suggesting there’s something wrong with him. He also points out that his (overall) anxiety isn’t anywhere near as bad as his mom’s or his sister’s—they both have pretty significant anxiety around even daily tasks—so it must not really be a problem.
What can I do that isn’t therapy for my husband? How do I keep my sanity? How do I keep his illness-related anxiety from affecting the kids as they get older? (I don’t want them to be terrified of every minor illness!) How do I keep encouraging him to seek help? Overall, he’s an excellent partner and father, but the thought of something happening to these kids when they’re sick just brings him to his knees and he refuses to face it.
—Worried Sick
Dear Worried Sick,
I understand your frustration, especially since your husband won’t seek help. And of course you want him to see that he’s taking his worry to an extreme and then take steps to address that. But it might help him more, at least initially, if you can try to recognize and validate his feelings, even if they don’t make sense to you. To him, the anxiety probably seems rational, necessary: he’s trying to prevent something bad from happening, or raising the alarm that something bad is happening. Fear is something we all have and can all understand. And remember, even if he sought treatment and things got better, he would still have anxiety. Hopefully, he can learn to manage it better, develop coping skills, etc., but neither you nor he should expect for it to just disappear.
When you talk with him about it, I think it’s important to focus on the impact of his stress and anxiety. Is it affecting his life in other ways, apart from what you’ve shared here? How is he eating and sleeping? How are his moods? The point is not to jump on whatever other symptoms may be present as proof that something is “wrong” with him, but to hopefully help him see that his anxiety is having an impact on his daily life. It doesn’t have to be affecting him in the same way it affects his mother or sister to warrant addressing. It’s already affecting both your lives and his ability to do the daily nonstop work of parenting—if he can’t handle taking care of your kids when they’re sick, or when he thinks they might be sick, that’s significant. You can point out the potential positives of treatment: what a relief it might be, how much better he could feel, if he gets the help and support he needs to cope with some of the stress or anxiety he regularly feels.
I also think it’s fair to calmly, without blame, sometimes tell him how you feel: overwhelmed and alone when the kids get sick; afraid to talk with him about normal parental concerns; worried for him and his wellbeing because you love him. You also need and deserve to feel better than you do right now. And you can admit that you don’t know what to do, perhaps saying something like, “You know, I really want to support and help you, but I admit that I’m out of my depth here. I need help, too.” Try to help him understand that if he’s willing to seek help from his doctor or from a mental health professional, it could help both of you.
You’re already doing a good thing by offering to help him find someone to talk to, offering to go with him, and trying not to base all of your own choices on his anxiety. If you want to talk to a therapist yourself—not for anxiety, but for other things, including what you feel and are dealing with as the spouse of a very anxious person—it can’t hurt. In the end, you can’t force your husband to get help, but you can do your best to take care of yourself, pay attention to your own needs, and put energy into friendships and activities and other things that help you cope and blow off steam. Make sure you’ve got a good support network of your own, relationships with people you trust and can talk to when you are overwhelmed.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/06/babysitting-kibosh-care-and-feeding.html