agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: Throughout my childhood, my mother was controlling in many ways. One of them was my clothes. She dressed me in ridiculous outfits that I found humiliating. If I expressed an opinion about anything, I was treated as being "bad." It affected my mental health, which resulted in me hating the way I look.

I went through multiple eating disorders and addiction, and I had plastic surgery 15 years ago. After many years of therapy, I am now doing better emotionally. I also endured many years of heart-shattering infertility, but I am finally a mother, working hard to give my child a better life than I had.

My mother continues buying clothes for my child, and receiving these "gifts" fills me with rage. My son is too young to pick out his own clothes, but I know what he likes and choose clothes accordingly. I allow him to select which items he wears, guilt free. My mother seems to buy clothes based on my son's interests, but I resent her buying any clothes for him. I want her to stop. It's my turn to be a parent!

I feel so much guilt, anger and shame giving away or selling clothes I don't want, like I'm being "bad." Despite therapy, my childhood trauma persists. How can I ask my mother to stop buying unwanted "gifts"? -- BAD KID FOR LIFE

DEAR BAD KID: Do not ASK your mother to stop buying clothing for your son -- TELL her. While you're at it, tell her what you have been doing with them, AND WHY. Then, if she doesn't already know, explain exactly how the way she raised you affected you. To do that isn't being "bad"; it is honest and long overdue. If she persists after that, feel free to donate the clothes, because another child might be thrilled to have them.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2823699

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Out of a perverse whim I checked out the comments at uexpress and they're uniformly awful.

To respond to all of them at once: I highly doubt that the thing with the clothes is the only thing her mother did to her as a child. It's just the only one LW is willing to talk about in a public forum like an advice column, and the only one relevant to this question.

Nevertheless, LW should have taken this one to her therapist, and should seriously consider limiting contact with Mom - and Abby should've said the part about the therapist, at the very least.

I'm not sure confronting Mom directly will be helpful at all.

Yeah, all this. I'll avoid looking at the horrible comments over there.

My parents send me undersized clothes ever so often. I just give them away. No point in trying to have a confrontation about it.

I've seen trans people being like

"Ugh, my parents gave me wrong gendered clothes/jewellery/makeup/accessories so I gave them to a trans person of a different gender who DID want them"

Which I like the subversiveness of,

but I wish the parents weren't doing the misgendering gifting to begin with...

I’m so sorry. What an unkind thing for your parents to do.

Oh goodness, thank you.

UGH, I hate that practice. I don't remember the actress's name, but she was plus-size, and her mother always brought too-small clothes to the dressing room when they shopped together, hoping it would "inspire" (read: shame) her into losing weight. Instead, she would get depressed, and then treat that depression with food.

My mother-in-law used to give me sexy nightwear which was not my style at all (though it was the right size, to be fair). Since my husband didn't find it especially appealing either, I gave it away. At least it wasn't something she was going to expect to see me wear.

Well, that sucks.

Don’t bother trying to talk with mom, LW. Make a nice bonfire, throw the clothes in it, and dance around it with wild abandon. Then roast marshmallows over it and dip them in chocolate and eat them, dripping the chocolate all over your clothes like you would have been scolded for. Let your demons fly free. Way cheaper than therapy and it should be as effective and much more fun. Do this every year with the unwanted crap she gives you until the crap no longer bothers you. Then consider giving them away instead. Best of luck.

+1000

That's certainly an option! Though I'm worried that the fumes may be toxic. Depends on what the clothes are made of probably?

Also consider going low contact or no contact with the mom. Given the emotional response LW has to her mom, it is very clear mom already traumatized at least one child (it is unclear if LW has siblings). It is well within LW's power and right to prevent her mother from traumatizing yet another child.

We encourage people to leave abusive friends, lovers, and spouses. It is okay to take care of yourself and leave abusive family members, too.

I really don't think confrontation was the right advice here; she's just going to have to have another go around with her mom about clothes to add on top of all the ones she's already had. I'd try to Marie Kondo the clothes and directly acknowledge the emotional impact while getting rid of them. Pick up that outfit, say "Wow this is going to be such a great outfit for a child that will love it! I LOVE that I get to donate this!" and pop it into the bag going to Goodwill. Not only does she get to be the parent for her son, she also gets to bring joy to another child. I feel like that would do more to dispel the shame than trying to make her mother understand how horrible she was, and it would keep LW's efforts within the realm of things that she can actually control.

Edited 2023-05-25 15:45 (UTC)