agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: Throughout my childhood, my mother was controlling in many ways. One of them was my clothes. She dressed me in ridiculous outfits that I found humiliating. If I expressed an opinion about anything, I was treated as being "bad." It affected my mental health, which resulted in me hating the way I look.

I went through multiple eating disorders and addiction, and I had plastic surgery 15 years ago. After many years of therapy, I am now doing better emotionally. I also endured many years of heart-shattering infertility, but I am finally a mother, working hard to give my child a better life than I had.

My mother continues buying clothes for my child, and receiving these "gifts" fills me with rage. My son is too young to pick out his own clothes, but I know what he likes and choose clothes accordingly. I allow him to select which items he wears, guilt free. My mother seems to buy clothes based on my son's interests, but I resent her buying any clothes for him. I want her to stop. It's my turn to be a parent!

I feel so much guilt, anger and shame giving away or selling clothes I don't want, like I'm being "bad." Despite therapy, my childhood trauma persists. How can I ask my mother to stop buying unwanted "gifts"? -- BAD KID FOR LIFE

DEAR BAD KID: Do not ASK your mother to stop buying clothing for your son -- TELL her. While you're at it, tell her what you have been doing with them, AND WHY. Then, if she doesn't already know, explain exactly how the way she raised you affected you. To do that isn't being "bad"; it is honest and long overdue. If she persists after that, feel free to donate the clothes, because another child might be thrilled to have them.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2823699

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Don’t bother trying to talk with mom, LW. Make a nice bonfire, throw the clothes in it, and dance around it with wild abandon. Then roast marshmallows over it and dip them in chocolate and eat them, dripping the chocolate all over your clothes like you would have been scolded for. Let your demons fly free. Way cheaper than therapy and it should be as effective and much more fun. Do this every year with the unwanted crap she gives you until the crap no longer bothers you. Then consider giving them away instead. Best of luck.

+1000

That's certainly an option! Though I'm worried that the fumes may be toxic. Depends on what the clothes are made of probably?

Also consider going low contact or no contact with the mom. Given the emotional response LW has to her mom, it is very clear mom already traumatized at least one child (it is unclear if LW has siblings). It is well within LW's power and right to prevent her mother from traumatizing yet another child.

We encourage people to leave abusive friends, lovers, and spouses. It is okay to take care of yourself and leave abusive family members, too.