I think I see why this woman is estranged or semi-estranged from her entire family

[conuly]

Dear Annie: My ex-husband died several weeks ago in hospice. We have a daughter together who fell out with him years ago and has not seen or spoken to him in at least 10 years. In the meantime, our son and a daughter he had from a previous marriage had been taking care of him, and my son was doing all his yard work, too.

So, when the older daughter called our daughter to tell her he did not have long to live, she drove 15 hours to see him for the last two hours of his life. The issue is, she brought some guy with her who no one had met and brought him in the room as her father died.

My son was so mad at her and was so uncomfortable with a stranger in the room that he could not get close to his father like he wanted to, to hold him while he died. I think that bringing the man there was totally uncalled for and really rude on her part.

She said she needed a support person. No one else brought a "support animal" to his death bed. She may as well have brought popcorn, too. I haven't seen this man for 15 years, and this makes me upset. What do you think? -- Upset in Maryland

Dear Upset in Maryland: Try to see things from your daughter's perspective. Her estranged father is dying. That is painful. It makes sense that she wants someone there to support her, hold her and comfort her while she struggles with some undoubtedly very complex feelings.

I don't see how this man's presence gets in the way of your son holding his father while he died. That seems to be a choice your son made on his own. Perhaps he is hurting and looking for someone to blame. You should encourage your children to come together in this time of grief, rather than looking for reasons to push them farther apart.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2805099

Comments

[conuly]

Annie says what I would've said, but let me be clear here: it seems very unlikely that Daughter actually brought a stranger with her to visit her father on his deathbed.

No, Daughter brought a friend or a partner, somebody important to her, but somebody her mother and siblings didn't know about; which makes me think that she's not in close contact with any of these people and if this is how they act, I don't blame her. I hope she limits contact even more if they fail to remove their heads from their collective ass.

[fox]

“Support ANIMAL”?!

[lethe1]

Also, why does LW equate bringing someone for support with bringing popcorn?!

[summerstorm]

I got caught up in that part, too. If that's how her family reacts when she brings friends or partners over, it's no wonder she stopped bringing herself over too.

[petrea_mitchell]

Maybe she thinks "support animal" is a jokey way of saying supportive person?

[ashbet]

Yep — someone important to the daughter helped her with the 15-hr (!!!) drive and came with her to support her in her complicated grief and dealing with estranged family.

And her mother called him an animal.

Yeah, I’d go back to being estranged, after that family performance.

[adrian_turtle]

Daughter: Hi mom. This is my husband, Dave. How's dad?
Mom: What? You have a husband?
Daughter: Yeah, we got married 5 years ago.
Mom: You eloped?
Daughter: I guess you could call it that. But it's not like we were talking much. Anyway, how's dad?
Mom: What makes you think you can bring a support animal to your own father's deathbed?
Dave: I see what you were talking about, hon.

[conuly]

That is exactly how I picture this.

Also - I notice that neither pissy LW nor pissy Son are the ones who called Daughter. The person who called is absent from the post-death narrative of anger. I wonder why that is.

[minoanmiss]

My envisioning indeed.

[lilysea]

The spouse/partner of the person dying gets to bring a support person if they want to/need to.

Any children of the person dying gets to bring a support person if they want to/need to.

And if son desperately wanted/needed 10 minutes alone with his father to give him a hug in private, he could say to his sister "Hey, I desperately need 10 minutes alone with Dad to give him a hug in private, could you please go get a coffee and come back?"

[lilysea]

Also: there's no winning with these people.

If the daughter who brought a support person had instead thought to herself

"I can't bring a support person or everyone will get angry, but I can't bear going alone, so I guess I just won't do a deathbed visit at all"

then everyone would be just as furious/or even more furious

at the daughter for not doing a deathbed visit at all.

[minoanmiss]

Word.

[feldman]

I'm confused by that last paragraph: who is the man that LW hasn't seen in 15 years?

Does she mean the 'stranger'/'animal' her estranged daughter brought for support? So they'd met in the past but she's not even acknowledging him as a human being?

Or does she mean the dying ex-husband? o_O

I can see a reading where eldest daughter is handling hospice as next of kin so LW feels unable to gainsay who she's allowed into the room, even son who's been mowing on weekends doesn't rock the boat in the moment.

I'd love oldest daughter's perspective on this deathbed seating arrangement drama, presumably she may have some insight into the dying man's wishes as well.

[conuly]

I think the only reading that makes sense is the ex-husband, though it's a weirdly extraneous detail to put in there.

[laurajv]

I agree that it's the ex-husband.

Which also implies that LW wasn't even there, and is probably mostly upset because her son is upset.

[torachan]

I read it as "I haven't even seen my ex in 15 years and this upsets me, so therefor it was even more upsetting for my son".

[shirou]

I find it unspeakably inappropriate and insensitive to bring a stranger to a deathbed! His presence absolutely interferes with the others' ability to express their love and grief. It is very hard to fight lifelong programming that we maintain a level of decorum around everyone except the few we love and trust with our authentic selves.

I'm shocked that the comments here are on the side of the daughter. The mother is of course also wrong in how she is expressing her anger (animal, popcorn), but I don't think she's wrong to be angry.

[conuly]

What sort of "stranger" would agree to travel 15 hours with you? No, only somebody you know well, and who loves you, would do that.

[shirou]

He was a stranger to everyone else in the room, including the dying man. I am referring to the effect his presence would have on, e.g., the daughter's siblings. LW says her son was "so mad," which I completely understand.

[minoanmiss]

Hmm. I wouldn't want to be alone with these people if they were my family. I think the fact that the daughter was estranged for ten years says something about how they treat her. That said I see what you mean about how bringing someone they don't know makes people feel they have to act on "guest manners" in a really intimate and gutting situation.

What do you think the daughter should have done instead, from making the entire trip including 15 hour drive all alone, to asking her companion to stay in the waiting room and not come into the hospital room? What along that continnum would have been appropriate?

I don't ask this just about this letter -- if possible I don't intend to face my family alone when either of my parents die, after my parents' history of verbal, physical, and religious abuse towards me. I think your perspective on that would be instructive.

[shirou]

Asking him to wait in the hotel or waiting room would have been perfectly fine. I have been in his situation, where a close family member of my wife died. I stayed in the waiting room, as did everyone who was not an immediate family member. I cannot imagine intruding on such an intimate moment. I was close by so I could comfort my wife, but I never dreamed of entering the deathbed room and invading the privacy of the other family members during their moment of deepest grief.

[laurajv]

I'm surprised the daughter brought him into the room, and I understand why the son is upset about that. But I don't think the daughter was wrong to bring someone with her, and I think LW -- who doesn't even seem to have been there -- needs to shut up.

[julian]

It's interesting.

I had met my partner's uncle maybe twice at the point where he died of ALS. They had this thing where everyone related came over to, basically, say goodbye, and then the close family (wife and kids) stayed as he died.

I would'n't've wanted to be there for the death, because it would've been intrusive, but I was glad to be there for the gathering.

So, having thought it through, I *do* think it's inappropriate for daughter to bring her guy into the hospital room, but given the circumstances, it's not *heinous*. And the son could've taken her aside and said, "Y'know, I'm uncomfortable with this guy in the room..."

[syderia]

I do wonder if the daughter's friend might not have been black, and if part of the perceived "inappropriate-ness" couldn't just be good old-fashioned racism. (It's the only way I can explain comparing the friend to an animal, and would, in my opinion, explain much.)
That being said, the son and LW would do well to go to therapy and deal with whatever caused their anger (and their inability to ask for a few quiet moments in private).

[conuly]

It's the only way I can explain comparing the friend to an animal, and would, in my opinion, explain much.

I mean, LW also compared "needing emotional support" to "bringing popcorn", so honestly, I think the bigger issue here is that nobody in that family thinks Daughter has valid needs.