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Oh, wow, LW sounds insufferable
1. Dear Annie: My husband of 34 years has become increasingly disappointed in our 30-year-old son. He and my son have had a rocky relationship, as my husband sees the world through opportunity and is always working toward improvement (which makes him a great engineer), but this also means he has expectations that rarely get met by the people in his life, including me. He is like a dog with a bone when he tries to convince people to his way of thinking.
Our son has some character traits and behaviors that he and I both don't like. Our son has a couple beers a day (husband and I don't drink). He has -- in our opinion -- ignorant thoughts on politics, is sometimes unreliable (shows up late) and still plays video games. He has had many relationships with women that all last under a year. Our son, however, maintains a job with increasing responsibilities and is financially secure, as he owns a home and pays his bills. He has many friends, and I hear often from strangers about what a loyal friend he is. I work professionally in similar circles and hear that he goes above and beyond. He has never been fired. In fact, he is sought after. He calls me every couple of days just to see how I am doing.
Bottom line, my husband is very angry with me that I don't try to enlighten my son to help him be a better person. While I will always give my son advice WHEN ASKED, I feel that my child-rearing days are done. My husband won't let up on me about this, and it has affected our relationship. Do I do as my husband asked to keep peace between the two of us, even though I don't agree with him? -- Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Dear Between a Rock and a Hard Place: It sounds like your son is a great guy with a lot of integrity and compassion. You should be proud! Whatever lifestyle choices he is making in his free time don't seem to be affecting the things that matter most.
I would explain to your husband that, at 30 years old, your son is a full adult. Policing him about things like video games is no longer called for. This should be good news to your husband -- it frees up time for him to pursue hobbies, and it allows you two to spend time together without talking about parenting the whole time.
Explain that if you both keep nagging your son about trivial matters, he's going to want to spend less time with you. It sounds like your son and your husband are very different -- in terms of life philosophy, interests and personality -- but if they can find just one area of common ground, or one hobby they can share, it might help them make progress in their relationship.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2798339
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2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When my husband was still a kid he found out he is color blind. He sees color, as he explains it, just not the way non-color blind people do. If I show him something that’s green or red, he knows which is which, but they are not the way I see them.
Because of his color-deficient vision I can’t let him go clothes shopping by himself because what he thinks is fine can be anything but, and he is not allowed a say in the paint colors I pick for our home.
He says this means I’m trying to be controlling and treating him like a child, but I just have an idea of how I want my house to look and I don’t want him to be embarrassed if he dresses in a weird ensemble.
Does this make me controlling, or just concerned? --- NOT COLOR BLIND
DEAR NOT COLOR BLIND: Giving your husband an equal say in his environment and how he dresses is a sign of respect and support. Even though he isn’t able to see colors the same way you do, he’s a grown man with ideas of how he wants to dress and how his home looks and feels to him.
If he turns to you for guidance, that’s one thing. However, your insistence on you both living by your opinions and tastes exclusively indicates an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship to me.
A little give and take and a whole lot of respect are the backbones of a successful marriage. Without them, it’s not difficult to see why your husband’s feeling like his opinions don’t matter at all if they conflict with yours.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2023/04/13
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3. Dear Care and Feeding,
My girlfriend is pregnant, and we’re ecstatic. I am committed to being an active father and partner and have been going with her to all her doctor’s appointments, buying all the books, and doing all the online research for pregnancy to gather resources for her. The problem is this has always kind of been our dynamic, and now I can see what a big issue it is when I can’t just do something for her.
Her doctor and all the research say she should be exercising during pregnancy, and she simply will not. She has always committed to a diet or exercise regimen and then given it up after getting bored. She’s gotten into yoga, running, Zumba, Peloton, Pilates, weight lifting, etc., and bought equipment and cute outfits, only to never follow through. She has done everything from diets to cutting out food groups to juice cleanses. Nothing has ever stuck, and I just saw it as one of her quirks until now. She doesn’t want to move more than the bed to the living room (she works from home) and only eats premade meals.
I have no problem doing all the cooking while she’s pregnant, but she doesn’t want my healthy meals, she wants to order Mcdonald’s. She gets offended and tells me I can’t tell her what to do with her body, but she chose to be pregnant, and now her choices are affecting our baby. She keeps trying to make it seem like I’m being the jerk who doesn’t want his girlfriend to gain weight, but I know and am looking forward to weight gain, since this means the baby is growing and thriving. I am not talking about weight, or appearance at all, but the baby’s health.
I tell her this all the time, but she tells me I can’t tell her how to be pregnant, but also that this baby is as much mine as it is hers and I need to be there for her and our kid, in the same breath. How do I get her to be healthy for our baby when she’s even less motivated to be healthy than before?
—Healthy Concern
Dear Healthy Concern,
It’s great that you’re so involved and excited for the birth of your child. But while you claim to be entirely concerned with “health,” you seem to be diagnosing your girlfriend (and therefore your future child) as “unhealthy” based entirely on your assessment of what she eats and how much she moves. Has there been a diagnosis or other indication from her doctor that she or the baby are experiencing health problems? Or is it more that you’re concerned she could potentially develop a health problem if she doesn’t follow the suggested guidelines for pregnant women?
I understand the impulse behind the latter, but It sounds like your girlfriend, like many women, has a complicated history with exercise and diet culture. I don’t know what her relationship may be to those topics within her current body, but pregnancy’s bodily and hormonal changes often contribute to that complexity. It seems like your approach to “improving her health” is hitting the wrong buttons. Try to remember that most women have a lot of experience being told what we should be doing with our bodies. Instead of coming from a place of judgment or trying to control her, start by listening and attempting to understand why she may be struggling or disinterested in meeting the guidelines suggested by her doctor. Shoving a “healthy” meal at her when she wants Mcdonald’s french fries is not ultimately working or helping her make different choices, probably because it sounds like it’s making her feel shamed by you. Shame is rarely a motivating approach. (I’ve also never known a pregnant woman who didn’t occasionally want to order Mcdonald’s or something similar, for the record.)
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends that pregnant women ideally get at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity every week, which they say could include activities such as brisk walking or gardening. But they also say that if you are new to exercise, as it sounds like your girlfriend is, to start slowly with as little as five minutes a day. The CDC also says you can break your exercise time into smaller chunks during the day, as “any amount of time” counts toward meeting the guideline. Rather than telling your girlfriend what to do with her body, ask her how you can help her find the time and motivation to get moving for five minutes a day. Maybe brainstorm fun ways you can do it together, whether that means taking a walk around the block or having a living room dance party. Approaching her in the spirit of teamwork and collaboration is likely to be more successful than telling her what to do has been so far. Incidentally, that’s also the best approach to working together as parents once the baby is born.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/pregnant-girlfriend-exercise-care-and-feeding-advice.html
Our son has some character traits and behaviors that he and I both don't like. Our son has a couple beers a day (husband and I don't drink). He has -- in our opinion -- ignorant thoughts on politics, is sometimes unreliable (shows up late) and still plays video games. He has had many relationships with women that all last under a year. Our son, however, maintains a job with increasing responsibilities and is financially secure, as he owns a home and pays his bills. He has many friends, and I hear often from strangers about what a loyal friend he is. I work professionally in similar circles and hear that he goes above and beyond. He has never been fired. In fact, he is sought after. He calls me every couple of days just to see how I am doing.
Bottom line, my husband is very angry with me that I don't try to enlighten my son to help him be a better person. While I will always give my son advice WHEN ASKED, I feel that my child-rearing days are done. My husband won't let up on me about this, and it has affected our relationship. Do I do as my husband asked to keep peace between the two of us, even though I don't agree with him? -- Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Dear Between a Rock and a Hard Place: It sounds like your son is a great guy with a lot of integrity and compassion. You should be proud! Whatever lifestyle choices he is making in his free time don't seem to be affecting the things that matter most.
I would explain to your husband that, at 30 years old, your son is a full adult. Policing him about things like video games is no longer called for. This should be good news to your husband -- it frees up time for him to pursue hobbies, and it allows you two to spend time together without talking about parenting the whole time.
Explain that if you both keep nagging your son about trivial matters, he's going to want to spend less time with you. It sounds like your son and your husband are very different -- in terms of life philosophy, interests and personality -- but if they can find just one area of common ground, or one hobby they can share, it might help them make progress in their relationship.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2798339
2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When my husband was still a kid he found out he is color blind. He sees color, as he explains it, just not the way non-color blind people do. If I show him something that’s green or red, he knows which is which, but they are not the way I see them.
Because of his color-deficient vision I can’t let him go clothes shopping by himself because what he thinks is fine can be anything but, and he is not allowed a say in the paint colors I pick for our home.
He says this means I’m trying to be controlling and treating him like a child, but I just have an idea of how I want my house to look and I don’t want him to be embarrassed if he dresses in a weird ensemble.
Does this make me controlling, or just concerned? --- NOT COLOR BLIND
DEAR NOT COLOR BLIND: Giving your husband an equal say in his environment and how he dresses is a sign of respect and support. Even though he isn’t able to see colors the same way you do, he’s a grown man with ideas of how he wants to dress and how his home looks and feels to him.
If he turns to you for guidance, that’s one thing. However, your insistence on you both living by your opinions and tastes exclusively indicates an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship to me.
A little give and take and a whole lot of respect are the backbones of a successful marriage. Without them, it’s not difficult to see why your husband’s feeling like his opinions don’t matter at all if they conflict with yours.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2023/04/13
3. Dear Care and Feeding,
My girlfriend is pregnant, and we’re ecstatic. I am committed to being an active father and partner and have been going with her to all her doctor’s appointments, buying all the books, and doing all the online research for pregnancy to gather resources for her. The problem is this has always kind of been our dynamic, and now I can see what a big issue it is when I can’t just do something for her.
Her doctor and all the research say she should be exercising during pregnancy, and she simply will not. She has always committed to a diet or exercise regimen and then given it up after getting bored. She’s gotten into yoga, running, Zumba, Peloton, Pilates, weight lifting, etc., and bought equipment and cute outfits, only to never follow through. She has done everything from diets to cutting out food groups to juice cleanses. Nothing has ever stuck, and I just saw it as one of her quirks until now. She doesn’t want to move more than the bed to the living room (she works from home) and only eats premade meals.
I have no problem doing all the cooking while she’s pregnant, but she doesn’t want my healthy meals, she wants to order Mcdonald’s. She gets offended and tells me I can’t tell her what to do with her body, but she chose to be pregnant, and now her choices are affecting our baby. She keeps trying to make it seem like I’m being the jerk who doesn’t want his girlfriend to gain weight, but I know and am looking forward to weight gain, since this means the baby is growing and thriving. I am not talking about weight, or appearance at all, but the baby’s health.
I tell her this all the time, but she tells me I can’t tell her how to be pregnant, but also that this baby is as much mine as it is hers and I need to be there for her and our kid, in the same breath. How do I get her to be healthy for our baby when she’s even less motivated to be healthy than before?
—Healthy Concern
Dear Healthy Concern,
It’s great that you’re so involved and excited for the birth of your child. But while you claim to be entirely concerned with “health,” you seem to be diagnosing your girlfriend (and therefore your future child) as “unhealthy” based entirely on your assessment of what she eats and how much she moves. Has there been a diagnosis or other indication from her doctor that she or the baby are experiencing health problems? Or is it more that you’re concerned she could potentially develop a health problem if she doesn’t follow the suggested guidelines for pregnant women?
I understand the impulse behind the latter, but It sounds like your girlfriend, like many women, has a complicated history with exercise and diet culture. I don’t know what her relationship may be to those topics within her current body, but pregnancy’s bodily and hormonal changes often contribute to that complexity. It seems like your approach to “improving her health” is hitting the wrong buttons. Try to remember that most women have a lot of experience being told what we should be doing with our bodies. Instead of coming from a place of judgment or trying to control her, start by listening and attempting to understand why she may be struggling or disinterested in meeting the guidelines suggested by her doctor. Shoving a “healthy” meal at her when she wants Mcdonald’s french fries is not ultimately working or helping her make different choices, probably because it sounds like it’s making her feel shamed by you. Shame is rarely a motivating approach. (I’ve also never known a pregnant woman who didn’t occasionally want to order Mcdonald’s or something similar, for the record.)
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends that pregnant women ideally get at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity every week, which they say could include activities such as brisk walking or gardening. But they also say that if you are new to exercise, as it sounds like your girlfriend is, to start slowly with as little as five minutes a day. The CDC also says you can break your exercise time into smaller chunks during the day, as “any amount of time” counts toward meeting the guideline. Rather than telling your girlfriend what to do with her body, ask her how you can help her find the time and motivation to get moving for five minutes a day. Maybe brainstorm fun ways you can do it together, whether that means taking a walk around the block or having a living room dance party. Approaching her in the spirit of teamwork and collaboration is likely to be more successful than telling her what to do has been so far. Incidentally, that’s also the best approach to working together as parents once the baby is born.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/pregnant-girlfriend-exercise-care-and-feeding-advice.html
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And he still calls his parents every few days, despite the fact that they clearly have no respect for him as a person. LW may not actively be haranguing him like Husband wants, but he's gotta know about these opinions.
Husband needs to lay off or he's gonna lose his son entirely. And LW does not need to "explain that Son is an adult". LW needs to tell Husband directly that they will not, under any circumstances, carry messages. If Husband wants to say something to Son, he can do it himself. He shouldn't, but that's his choice to make, and he needs to leave other people out of it.
2. Not much to say here - LW is controlling as fuck and I do not know why Husband married them or ever went along with this "can't buy your own clothes" nonsense. (There is also no reason he can't have a say on the paint colors, but it's the clothes thing that tips this into absurdity.)
3. OMFG, buddy, you need to lay off your pregnant girlfriend. She's allowed to eat McDonald's. It's not going to harm the baby. No, really. It may be best, until the baby actively can be held in your arms, to pretend that it's NOT as much yours as hers, because certainly her body is still 100% hers forever and right now, that's where the baby lives.
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Yes, I certainly hope LW isn't going to give his girlfriend a hard time over taking eg pain medication for a bad headache that is considered mostly okay for pregnancy but has a tiny tiny (nonzero) risk.
Because I can ABSOLUTELY see LW doing that.
"This headache/migraine tablet contains caffeine, and caffeine is not 100% safe in pregnancy[1], so you can't have it"
[1] To which I say to LW, dosage matters, and % of risk matters.
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she went from being vegetarian to INHALING chicken because she was so desperate for protein.
LW: Do not stand between a pregnant person and any protein that they are not nauseated by the thought of!
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I had the most epic potato cravings in pregnancy. I mean, potatoes are good, but I wanted roast potatoes, big salty chips, mashed potato, etc SO MUCH.
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Mostly mashed potatoes.
Despite a lot of worry (from ME) about malnutrition, my daughter was a good birth weight and had zero health problems at birth.
(She did inherit my genetic disorder, but since *I* hadn’t been diagnosed yet, and it’s dominant, nothing I did could have changed that part, and it wasn’t evident until her teens.)
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband is terrified of flying and finds the process of air travel in general to be extremely stressful. He doesn’t want our toddler to fly either, even if I offer to take her by myself. He’s convinced that she’ll find it just as stressful and scary as he does, so we should stick with car trips. The problem is that my family all lives 1,200 miles away. I want my daughter to know her cousins and grandparents, but I simply can’t drive that distance with her at this stage: She gets carsick, and I don’t have the vacation time for 2,400-mile round trips. My parents have flown out several times to visit us, but it doesn’t seem fair that they’re always the ones to travel. And meanwhile, my husband’s family all lives within 200 miles, so they get to see our daughter all the time. I don’t even know what I’m asking. Is this fair? Does my husband really get to unilaterally determine whether I get to take our daughter on airplanes?
— Just Let Her Fly
Dear Just Let Her Fly,
It’s one thing for your husband to choose not to fly, but if his anxiety over it is so severe that he is trying to control whether you and your daughter do so, that could be a sign that he needs some more help dealing with it. Of course it’s okay if he doesn’t want to travel by air. But by refusing to allow your child to fly, he is preventing her from seeing half her family and you from visiting yours.
He can’t know how your daughter will handle air travel if she’s never flown before. I think it makes sense to try to take her on a flight with you. If she does well on the trip (or, you know, as well as toddlers ever do on planes), which she probably will, that is a good data point. You should absolutely be able to see your family if you want to, and bring your daughter along. Hopefully your husband can work on accepting that the two of you will occasionally need to travel by plane—and will, for your child’s sake, try to avoid instilling the same fear of flying in her.
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(COVID risk in an aircraft cabin with limited air exchanges, few people wearing masks, and a child who might be young enough that they're not vaccinated) but it didn't even get mentioned.
And COVID risk is really the only rational reason to consider car travel less risky than air travel. Car accidents when people are fatigued from long drives are a massive thing.
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I'm not even touching the other two.
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You should work WITH your partner to find eg paint colours and furniture colours that you can both live comfortably with.
Re: his clothing: if something he wears is a genuine headache/migraine trigger for you, that's one thing,
but otherwise you should limit yourself to "Would you like my input on your work clothes, or would you prefer that I didn't"
Notice the lack of the word CONTROL in that sentence.
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2. If my spouse was controlling me to the point where I was not allowed to pick out my own clothes then I would seek out a divorce.
3. There's a difference between being helpful and being helpfully obnoxious. This LW is headed in the direction of helpfully obnoxious and needs to back way off.
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2. I used to buy clothes for the ex because [REASONS], but he liked and wore what I bought and occasionally he found things he liked and bought them for himself. (I believe this is a not uncommon dynamic in my age group.) Not color blind. For the house stuff, swatches and paint squares or test sections are something everybody should use, even if color blind! I can't imagine someone just railroading a spouse on that stuff because of color blindness---the colors looks DIFFERENT, not absent.
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1a. Can't wait until the next one.
2. Yeah, some people are totally okay with having another person do their clothes shopping. But that's not this situation, where one person thinks they can make rules about their spouse's behavior, like, where did LW get the idea that this is okay!?
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2. Yeah, it's different if everyone involved has consented to it. Some people genuinely don't mind having their loved ones handle their clothes shopping, and I can respect that.
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And the way a reasonable adult would deal with the paint colors is to say "I'll narrow this down to a few colors/combinations I'd be good with; you tell me which ones you like or hate", not "you have no say in the paint colors in your own house".
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How unfortunate that this woman just got herself pregnant without asking you and is now hanging on your hands, LW! Keep badgering and judging her, and the problem of you not liking her choices (which include, at the moment, YOU) may solve itself.
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Then you can truthfully tell your husband that yes, of course you mentioned it, but you really don't think it's doing any good.
2. You two need to agree on house colors. And he gets to pick his own clothes, though you are allowed to express opinions about them, of course.
3. LW every pregnancy is different and many people are very, very tired or have weird food cravings at different points in the process, and there's so much contradictory advice on the "right" things to do that it's absolutely a valid choice to just ignore them all equally and listen to your own body. If she's making it to her doctors appointments and the doctors don't see any dangers, let her do what feels right to her body right now. In two or three more months she may surprise you.
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There's more evidence that stressing people out fucks with their health than there is for any diet/exercise fad being useful. If LW #3 really cared about encouraging good health in his girlfriend or his kid (rather than propping up his own self-image as a Healthy Living Guy), he'd be putting effort into making her feel safe and comfortable and encouraging her to listen to her bodily needs, not harassing her about eating takeout. He is making himself the worst risk to her health right now, and dressing it up as concern. (If she feels any unusual discomfort or pain, is she going to say anything about it, if she knows that his immediate reaction will be to blame it on her eating habits? If her pregnancy runs into problems that require medical attention, she needs him to be ON HER SIDE. And he is not.)
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