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Oh, wow, LW sounds insufferable
1. Dear Annie: My husband of 34 years has become increasingly disappointed in our 30-year-old son. He and my son have had a rocky relationship, as my husband sees the world through opportunity and is always working toward improvement (which makes him a great engineer), but this also means he has expectations that rarely get met by the people in his life, including me. He is like a dog with a bone when he tries to convince people to his way of thinking.
Our son has some character traits and behaviors that he and I both don't like. Our son has a couple beers a day (husband and I don't drink). He has -- in our opinion -- ignorant thoughts on politics, is sometimes unreliable (shows up late) and still plays video games. He has had many relationships with women that all last under a year. Our son, however, maintains a job with increasing responsibilities and is financially secure, as he owns a home and pays his bills. He has many friends, and I hear often from strangers about what a loyal friend he is. I work professionally in similar circles and hear that he goes above and beyond. He has never been fired. In fact, he is sought after. He calls me every couple of days just to see how I am doing.
Bottom line, my husband is very angry with me that I don't try to enlighten my son to help him be a better person. While I will always give my son advice WHEN ASKED, I feel that my child-rearing days are done. My husband won't let up on me about this, and it has affected our relationship. Do I do as my husband asked to keep peace between the two of us, even though I don't agree with him? -- Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Dear Between a Rock and a Hard Place: It sounds like your son is a great guy with a lot of integrity and compassion. You should be proud! Whatever lifestyle choices he is making in his free time don't seem to be affecting the things that matter most.
I would explain to your husband that, at 30 years old, your son is a full adult. Policing him about things like video games is no longer called for. This should be good news to your husband -- it frees up time for him to pursue hobbies, and it allows you two to spend time together without talking about parenting the whole time.
Explain that if you both keep nagging your son about trivial matters, he's going to want to spend less time with you. It sounds like your son and your husband are very different -- in terms of life philosophy, interests and personality -- but if they can find just one area of common ground, or one hobby they can share, it might help them make progress in their relationship.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2798339
*****************
2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When my husband was still a kid he found out he is color blind. He sees color, as he explains it, just not the way non-color blind people do. If I show him something that’s green or red, he knows which is which, but they are not the way I see them.
Because of his color-deficient vision I can’t let him go clothes shopping by himself because what he thinks is fine can be anything but, and he is not allowed a say in the paint colors I pick for our home.
He says this means I’m trying to be controlling and treating him like a child, but I just have an idea of how I want my house to look and I don’t want him to be embarrassed if he dresses in a weird ensemble.
Does this make me controlling, or just concerned? --- NOT COLOR BLIND
DEAR NOT COLOR BLIND: Giving your husband an equal say in his environment and how he dresses is a sign of respect and support. Even though he isn’t able to see colors the same way you do, he’s a grown man with ideas of how he wants to dress and how his home looks and feels to him.
If he turns to you for guidance, that’s one thing. However, your insistence on you both living by your opinions and tastes exclusively indicates an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship to me.
A little give and take and a whole lot of respect are the backbones of a successful marriage. Without them, it’s not difficult to see why your husband’s feeling like his opinions don’t matter at all if they conflict with yours.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2023/04/13
***************
3. Dear Care and Feeding,
My girlfriend is pregnant, and we’re ecstatic. I am committed to being an active father and partner and have been going with her to all her doctor’s appointments, buying all the books, and doing all the online research for pregnancy to gather resources for her. The problem is this has always kind of been our dynamic, and now I can see what a big issue it is when I can’t just do something for her.
Her doctor and all the research say she should be exercising during pregnancy, and she simply will not. She has always committed to a diet or exercise regimen and then given it up after getting bored. She’s gotten into yoga, running, Zumba, Peloton, Pilates, weight lifting, etc., and bought equipment and cute outfits, only to never follow through. She has done everything from diets to cutting out food groups to juice cleanses. Nothing has ever stuck, and I just saw it as one of her quirks until now. She doesn’t want to move more than the bed to the living room (she works from home) and only eats premade meals.
I have no problem doing all the cooking while she’s pregnant, but she doesn’t want my healthy meals, she wants to order Mcdonald’s. She gets offended and tells me I can’t tell her what to do with her body, but she chose to be pregnant, and now her choices are affecting our baby. She keeps trying to make it seem like I’m being the jerk who doesn’t want his girlfriend to gain weight, but I know and am looking forward to weight gain, since this means the baby is growing and thriving. I am not talking about weight, or appearance at all, but the baby’s health.
I tell her this all the time, but she tells me I can’t tell her how to be pregnant, but also that this baby is as much mine as it is hers and I need to be there for her and our kid, in the same breath. How do I get her to be healthy for our baby when she’s even less motivated to be healthy than before?
—Healthy Concern
Dear Healthy Concern,
It’s great that you’re so involved and excited for the birth of your child. But while you claim to be entirely concerned with “health,” you seem to be diagnosing your girlfriend (and therefore your future child) as “unhealthy” based entirely on your assessment of what she eats and how much she moves. Has there been a diagnosis or other indication from her doctor that she or the baby are experiencing health problems? Or is it more that you’re concerned she could potentially develop a health problem if she doesn’t follow the suggested guidelines for pregnant women?
I understand the impulse behind the latter, but It sounds like your girlfriend, like many women, has a complicated history with exercise and diet culture. I don’t know what her relationship may be to those topics within her current body, but pregnancy’s bodily and hormonal changes often contribute to that complexity. It seems like your approach to “improving her health” is hitting the wrong buttons. Try to remember that most women have a lot of experience being told what we should be doing with our bodies. Instead of coming from a place of judgment or trying to control her, start by listening and attempting to understand why she may be struggling or disinterested in meeting the guidelines suggested by her doctor. Shoving a “healthy” meal at her when she wants Mcdonald’s french fries is not ultimately working or helping her make different choices, probably because it sounds like it’s making her feel shamed by you. Shame is rarely a motivating approach. (I’ve also never known a pregnant woman who didn’t occasionally want to order Mcdonald’s or something similar, for the record.)
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends that pregnant women ideally get at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity every week, which they say could include activities such as brisk walking or gardening. But they also say that if you are new to exercise, as it sounds like your girlfriend is, to start slowly with as little as five minutes a day. The CDC also says you can break your exercise time into smaller chunks during the day, as “any amount of time” counts toward meeting the guideline. Rather than telling your girlfriend what to do with her body, ask her how you can help her find the time and motivation to get moving for five minutes a day. Maybe brainstorm fun ways you can do it together, whether that means taking a walk around the block or having a living room dance party. Approaching her in the spirit of teamwork and collaboration is likely to be more successful than telling her what to do has been so far. Incidentally, that’s also the best approach to working together as parents once the baby is born.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/pregnant-girlfriend-exercise-care-and-feeding-advice.html
Our son has some character traits and behaviors that he and I both don't like. Our son has a couple beers a day (husband and I don't drink). He has -- in our opinion -- ignorant thoughts on politics, is sometimes unreliable (shows up late) and still plays video games. He has had many relationships with women that all last under a year. Our son, however, maintains a job with increasing responsibilities and is financially secure, as he owns a home and pays his bills. He has many friends, and I hear often from strangers about what a loyal friend he is. I work professionally in similar circles and hear that he goes above and beyond. He has never been fired. In fact, he is sought after. He calls me every couple of days just to see how I am doing.
Bottom line, my husband is very angry with me that I don't try to enlighten my son to help him be a better person. While I will always give my son advice WHEN ASKED, I feel that my child-rearing days are done. My husband won't let up on me about this, and it has affected our relationship. Do I do as my husband asked to keep peace between the two of us, even though I don't agree with him? -- Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Dear Between a Rock and a Hard Place: It sounds like your son is a great guy with a lot of integrity and compassion. You should be proud! Whatever lifestyle choices he is making in his free time don't seem to be affecting the things that matter most.
I would explain to your husband that, at 30 years old, your son is a full adult. Policing him about things like video games is no longer called for. This should be good news to your husband -- it frees up time for him to pursue hobbies, and it allows you two to spend time together without talking about parenting the whole time.
Explain that if you both keep nagging your son about trivial matters, he's going to want to spend less time with you. It sounds like your son and your husband are very different -- in terms of life philosophy, interests and personality -- but if they can find just one area of common ground, or one hobby they can share, it might help them make progress in their relationship.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2798339
2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When my husband was still a kid he found out he is color blind. He sees color, as he explains it, just not the way non-color blind people do. If I show him something that’s green or red, he knows which is which, but they are not the way I see them.
Because of his color-deficient vision I can’t let him go clothes shopping by himself because what he thinks is fine can be anything but, and he is not allowed a say in the paint colors I pick for our home.
He says this means I’m trying to be controlling and treating him like a child, but I just have an idea of how I want my house to look and I don’t want him to be embarrassed if he dresses in a weird ensemble.
Does this make me controlling, or just concerned? --- NOT COLOR BLIND
DEAR NOT COLOR BLIND: Giving your husband an equal say in his environment and how he dresses is a sign of respect and support. Even though he isn’t able to see colors the same way you do, he’s a grown man with ideas of how he wants to dress and how his home looks and feels to him.
If he turns to you for guidance, that’s one thing. However, your insistence on you both living by your opinions and tastes exclusively indicates an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship to me.
A little give and take and a whole lot of respect are the backbones of a successful marriage. Without them, it’s not difficult to see why your husband’s feeling like his opinions don’t matter at all if they conflict with yours.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2023/04/13
3. Dear Care and Feeding,
My girlfriend is pregnant, and we’re ecstatic. I am committed to being an active father and partner and have been going with her to all her doctor’s appointments, buying all the books, and doing all the online research for pregnancy to gather resources for her. The problem is this has always kind of been our dynamic, and now I can see what a big issue it is when I can’t just do something for her.
Her doctor and all the research say she should be exercising during pregnancy, and she simply will not. She has always committed to a diet or exercise regimen and then given it up after getting bored. She’s gotten into yoga, running, Zumba, Peloton, Pilates, weight lifting, etc., and bought equipment and cute outfits, only to never follow through. She has done everything from diets to cutting out food groups to juice cleanses. Nothing has ever stuck, and I just saw it as one of her quirks until now. She doesn’t want to move more than the bed to the living room (she works from home) and only eats premade meals.
I have no problem doing all the cooking while she’s pregnant, but she doesn’t want my healthy meals, she wants to order Mcdonald’s. She gets offended and tells me I can’t tell her what to do with her body, but she chose to be pregnant, and now her choices are affecting our baby. She keeps trying to make it seem like I’m being the jerk who doesn’t want his girlfriend to gain weight, but I know and am looking forward to weight gain, since this means the baby is growing and thriving. I am not talking about weight, or appearance at all, but the baby’s health.
I tell her this all the time, but she tells me I can’t tell her how to be pregnant, but also that this baby is as much mine as it is hers and I need to be there for her and our kid, in the same breath. How do I get her to be healthy for our baby when she’s even less motivated to be healthy than before?
—Healthy Concern
Dear Healthy Concern,
It’s great that you’re so involved and excited for the birth of your child. But while you claim to be entirely concerned with “health,” you seem to be diagnosing your girlfriend (and therefore your future child) as “unhealthy” based entirely on your assessment of what she eats and how much she moves. Has there been a diagnosis or other indication from her doctor that she or the baby are experiencing health problems? Or is it more that you’re concerned she could potentially develop a health problem if she doesn’t follow the suggested guidelines for pregnant women?
I understand the impulse behind the latter, but It sounds like your girlfriend, like many women, has a complicated history with exercise and diet culture. I don’t know what her relationship may be to those topics within her current body, but pregnancy’s bodily and hormonal changes often contribute to that complexity. It seems like your approach to “improving her health” is hitting the wrong buttons. Try to remember that most women have a lot of experience being told what we should be doing with our bodies. Instead of coming from a place of judgment or trying to control her, start by listening and attempting to understand why she may be struggling or disinterested in meeting the guidelines suggested by her doctor. Shoving a “healthy” meal at her when she wants Mcdonald’s french fries is not ultimately working or helping her make different choices, probably because it sounds like it’s making her feel shamed by you. Shame is rarely a motivating approach. (I’ve also never known a pregnant woman who didn’t occasionally want to order Mcdonald’s or something similar, for the record.)
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends that pregnant women ideally get at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity every week, which they say could include activities such as brisk walking or gardening. But they also say that if you are new to exercise, as it sounds like your girlfriend is, to start slowly with as little as five minutes a day. The CDC also says you can break your exercise time into smaller chunks during the day, as “any amount of time” counts toward meeting the guideline. Rather than telling your girlfriend what to do with her body, ask her how you can help her find the time and motivation to get moving for five minutes a day. Maybe brainstorm fun ways you can do it together, whether that means taking a walk around the block or having a living room dance party. Approaching her in the spirit of teamwork and collaboration is likely to be more successful than telling her what to do has been so far. Incidentally, that’s also the best approach to working together as parents once the baby is born.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/pregnant-girlfriend-exercise-care-and-feeding-advice.html