agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old freshman who had an abortion last year. I'm not sure who the father is, and I don't want to go through that again. I want to get birth control, but I'm afraid my parents or my older brother will find out. They would kill me. I already have a bad reputation, and I don't want a worse one by having someone find out I was pregnant (or could be again if I don't get birth control).

What would be the safest way for someone my age to get birth control? I know you'll probably say "no sex" is the best, but I enjoy it too much now. It's like a habit. Please help. -- GROWN-UP GIRL IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR GIRL: I have never heard of a girl in this country being killed just because she had sex, so your fears about your parents doing that may be overblown. Your mom may not be thrilled with the news, but she won't kill you. You need her AND HER GUIDANCE.

If you continue on the path you're on, having sex with multiple boys, you may have more to worry about than becoming pregnant again. Some of the sexually transmitted diseases around today could cause you to become sterile at a time when you may want a child.

An organization called Planned Parenthood (plannedparenthood.org) can provide you with birth control. It can also inform you about STDs and how to avoid them. Because you feel you cannot stop yourself from having sex, contact Planned Parenthood as soon as possible, preferably before the next time you indulge your habit.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2792995

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Abby may not have heard of kids being killed by their parents for being sexually active at a young age, but Abby clearly doesn't read too widely. I certainly have heard of that happening in the USA. I've also heard of kids that age and younger being physically abused for that behavior, being kicked out of home, being sent to "schools" like Tranquility Bay, being forced to marry. Yes, in America, in the past few years - and not just to people from any particular segment of the population, either.

But more than that, this young girl clearly needs help and not chiding. It's not usual for 13 and 14 year olds to be sexually active. The average age of sexual intercourse in the USA is ~17. And she's had multiple partners? Who is she even having sex with, and exactly what is the context here?

yeah I mean the advice is so horrifyingly bad that it's hard to even approach that a 14 year old with so many partners she can't keep track needs some pretty profound help.

(I'm not sure I believe in the LW -- for one thing, a 14 year old turning to dead abby for this question, instead of, like, reddit? -- and the whole "I enjoy it too much now. It's like a habit." seems a little straw man. But if she's real, she needs some serious support, and also practical (not just birth control, but also, like, to find out if she's had the HPV vax.)

I'm not sure I believe in the LW -- for one thing, a 14 year old turning to dead abby for this question, instead of, like, reddit? -- and the whole "I enjoy it too much now. It's like a habit." seems a little straw man.

Agreed, and if the response wasn't so horrific I would not have posted it.

I'm not sure I believe in her either, and I'm glad it wasn't just me with that reaction.

But I have to believe in Dear Abby because it's right in front of my eyes, being VERY BAD AT THIS what on *earth*.

(Though my second reaction was, is this some kind of re-print from days of yore?)

I'd say I don't believe it...but there are kids whose access to information is badly restricted. Odds are much higher that this is a fake letter written by a conservative activist who wants to say something like "Oooooo! Look at Dear Abby violating parental rights and encouraging a vulnerable child to be a slut!"

is this kind of re-print from days of yore?

On closer reading, I think you may be right. The warning about "sexually transmitted diseases that may cause you to become sterile" is a marker of coming from the days before AIDS. Once I recognized that, the rest fell into place.

In the 1970s, Abby would probably have said "VD" rather than "STD." And in the 1990s she would have thought of AIDS. The OP refers to "habit" rather than "addiction," which looks like early 1980s. 40 years ago, teens could get abortions without parental consent. Abby hasn't heard of girls and young women being killed because they had unauthorized sex...well, those things used to be hushed up a lot more effectively. The original response probably had an address to write to Planned Parenthood, and the current editor took it out and put in the website. Abby also seems to be writing from a time when drugstores aren't eager to sell condoms.

Edited 2023-03-14 15:33 (UTC)

Yeah, the fact that there's no mention of STDs from LW and no mention of condoms at all makes me think this almost certainly has to date to the 80s. Surely? Surely even if there *was* a 14-year-old that sexually active who had never heard of condoms, in the modern day Abby would have noticed something more was wrong there?

In most of the 1980s she would have thought of AIDS. I think if it's a reprint it's from the 1970s (the phrasing sounds like that anyway) and they just changed VD to STDs.

I don't know, I could see this being the response up to the mid-late '80s - it didn't really hit mainstream zeitgeist until Rock Hudson in '85, the official "first case in a woman" was '84, condoms didn't really take off outside high-risk communities until the early 90s, and Abby was probably not at the vanguard of all that. Obviously it *should* have been in the forefront by the early eighties, but I remember it still being treated as a new thing in the early-mid-90s.

I started college in 1981, and I recall bisexual men having a tough time finding women who would have sex with them. Admittedly that was college, and I ran with a fairly outspoken group.

Now that I look at the chronology, ACT-UP and the Silence=Death Project were both founded in 1987, so yeah, you're probably right.

Yeah, in the 1980s AIDS was huge and central - to people who were in the communities it affected, or allies of them. Everybody else was busy pretending it didn't exist. :( I think there's been kind of a rewrite in the last ten years or so of the 1980s being the AIDS decade, because of course to the people who were involved it *was* - and everybody else wants to pretend they didn't pretend they didn't know.

I was a 14-year-old girl in 1982. I had never heard of AIDS. I wasn't sexually active, but I thought of myself as reasonably well-informed. I paid attention to public controversies. (I had, for instance, heard of "date rape.") The phrase "have a bad reputation," sounds like something my mother would have said; I don't remember if my classmates would have said "slut" or something else.

I thought we were talking about whether Abby would have been concerned about AIDS. But yeah, things like after-school specials about AIDS came later.

Reprinting *sexual health* advice from the 1970s or 1980s without substantial revision is astoundingly irresponsible!

Yeah, but it's actually less irresponsible than most of Abby's awful advice!

ah you think it's seo to capitalize on the boebert thing?

Yes, immediate scenarios that come to mind:

a) LW has been shown little or no affection by their family, and is trying to meet their basic needs for affection through sex; or

b) LW was sexually abused (past tense) by an adult; or

c) LW is being sexually abused (current tense) by an adult; or

d) LW was being bullied in school and is trying to buy popularity/protection with sex; or

e) LW is in a situation where their basic material needs are not being met, and is trading sex for food.

Edited (typo) 2023-03-14 05:09 (UTC)

I was scenario (a) at 14 :/

Abby has given atrocious advice here, except for PP.

Yes — I, personally, was forced by my parents to marry, the month after I turned 16.

This is HORRIBLE advice.

I wish I’d had a safe adult to turn to for this stuff. And it is very, very hard for a 14-yr-old to access healthcare on their own.

I wish Abby had at least mentioned Scarleteen.

I have never heard of a girl in this country being killed just because she had sex

I am sorry what editor let her publish this dangerous garbage? Girls are absolutely killed in the USA for having sex! Does Abby think this only happens in spoooooky brown countries or some shit? Also many are beaten, abandoned, or abused by parents who find out they are sexually active. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

I mean the rest of the advice is also horrifyingly bad (except for the planned parenthood bit) and super dated (as if the biggest danger to a sexually active 14 year old in the united states in the year two thosand and twenty three is an STD that might make you sterile).

bad response. the vast majority of teen pregnancies involve an adult, so there should at least be something here about this. to the point where like... maybe you email lw or something. IDK it's just really worrisome.

WORD.

It's not the majority, but it's common, especially for younger teens. And similar-age partners are more likely to use condoms, less likely to sabotage their partner's birth control, etc.

thanks for the correction; i should really check my remebered stats more often (especially since I'm prone to transposing numbers)

Can anyone find a more recent study than this (from 1999):
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10227344/

It's horrifyingly high, regardless.

I have never heard of a girl in this country being killed just because she had sex

THEN YOU'RE NOT LISTENING YOU IGNORANT WALNUT
Some of the particular details may not add up but when I was 14 I knew teenagers like this. Without any love from anywhere else, sex can feel a lot like love.

If LW exists as presented I hope she 1) does not go to her mom unless she decides her mom can be trusted adn 2) does go to Planned Parenthood, the one useful thing in the steaming pile of shit that was this response

What the fuck is this advice. What.

Dangerous and irresponsible, that's what the fuck it is.

Girls are killed by being forced to keep a pregnancy their bodies are not ready for - teen pregnancies are very high risk.

Oh, gosh yes, that too.

A lot of questions in here apart from the ones already asked above. How did she manage to get an abortion without her family knowing and not knowing (at least, Dear Abby surmises) about Planned Parenthood? This sounds very dodgy - surely a responsible provider would have discussed birth control?

On the other hand, are there laws affecting providing birth control to minors without parental permission (or even with), because this is clearly not UK which has Gillick competency in place.

You can get birth control from Planned Parenthood in the US without disclosure or permission to anyone.

Good!

I have never heard of a girl in this country being killed just because she had sex, so your fears about your parents doing that may be overblown.

So glad to come in here to see our collective reaction is to lob an Internet connection at Abby. Cause, yeah, that's horrifying even in response to a fake LW.

I can do better than Abby: Planned Parenthood in Providence provides long term birth control, as well as barrier methods, both available as a walk-in (they say they'll provide the Depo shot to walk-ins, but may require an exam first). Depending on where in RI she is, the LW may be closer to the Connecticut Planned Parenthood clinics.

And hard yes to get thee to Scarleteen!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only