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(no subject)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a newborn daughter and a toddler son. I lost both my parents before either was born, and the only remaining grandparent they have is my husband’s father, an, err, eccentric roaming nomad who uprooted his life after the death of his wife. He has met neither of my children and it remains a sore spot for me as I mourn my parents and the wonderful grandparents they would have been to my kids, just as they were to my nieces and nephew. I think having elders in a child’s life is important, though, and so my brother-in-law’s parents have been more than happy to swoop in.
My BIL’s parents send typical cheesy holiday cards and gifts to my kids, things like matchy outfits, and refer to themselves with cutesy grandparent names, but I find myself struggling to accept this on several levels. First, it feels a bit…unearned? They live too far away to do any babysitting or help in any other way, and even when they visit, their health issues keep them from being as hands-on with the children as real grandparents would be. Honestly, I like them fine for brief visits, but they are very traditional and not the affectionate, funny, and worldly people my parents were. As much as they ask me for pictures of my children, and want to visit often, I have a gnawing resentment that they are here and my parents are not.
And then there’s this: they give my kids small gifts, while I know my niece—their actual grandchild—stands to inherit a lot of money from them (several million dollars, in fact). We are comfortable and don’t need their financial help, but it irks me that they swoop in, playacting as grandparents for the fun of it, and bragging about my kids to their friends and congregation, but we have no idea if they intend for my kids to inherit anything. Can I get a reality check here? Am I holding them to the lofty standards of the memory of my parents or does it read like these people are getting the grandparent experience on the cheap?
—Mourning Mama
Dear MM,
I’m deeply sorry about the loss of your parents—that’s a terrible blow—but I’m afraid your grief does not excuse your awfulness. These people are stepping (not swooping!) in and offering your children love. “Small” gifts or not, inclusion in their wills or not, getting down on the floor to play with them or not, they want to be a part of your children’s lives. The more love and kindness, the more pleasure taken in their very existence, the better. The reality check here is manifold: yes, it’s a great pity your parents aren’t alive to be the grandparents you wanted for your children—and sure, I understand how pissed off you are by your father-in-law’s uninvolvement (though it sounds to me like he’s neck-deep in his own mourning, so maybe cut him some slack)—but this bonus set of grandparents is a gift. In fact, anyone who wants to be a part of your children’s lives, who pays attention to them, who widens the circle of love around them, is a gift. Don’t be churlish about this because it isn’t precisely the gift you have in mind.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/when-kids-dont-send-thank-you-notes-parenting-advice.html
I have a newborn daughter and a toddler son. I lost both my parents before either was born, and the only remaining grandparent they have is my husband’s father, an, err, eccentric roaming nomad who uprooted his life after the death of his wife. He has met neither of my children and it remains a sore spot for me as I mourn my parents and the wonderful grandparents they would have been to my kids, just as they were to my nieces and nephew. I think having elders in a child’s life is important, though, and so my brother-in-law’s parents have been more than happy to swoop in.
My BIL’s parents send typical cheesy holiday cards and gifts to my kids, things like matchy outfits, and refer to themselves with cutesy grandparent names, but I find myself struggling to accept this on several levels. First, it feels a bit…unearned? They live too far away to do any babysitting or help in any other way, and even when they visit, their health issues keep them from being as hands-on with the children as real grandparents would be. Honestly, I like them fine for brief visits, but they are very traditional and not the affectionate, funny, and worldly people my parents were. As much as they ask me for pictures of my children, and want to visit often, I have a gnawing resentment that they are here and my parents are not.
And then there’s this: they give my kids small gifts, while I know my niece—their actual grandchild—stands to inherit a lot of money from them (several million dollars, in fact). We are comfortable and don’t need their financial help, but it irks me that they swoop in, playacting as grandparents for the fun of it, and bragging about my kids to their friends and congregation, but we have no idea if they intend for my kids to inherit anything. Can I get a reality check here? Am I holding them to the lofty standards of the memory of my parents or does it read like these people are getting the grandparent experience on the cheap?
—Mourning Mama
Dear MM,
I’m deeply sorry about the loss of your parents—that’s a terrible blow—but I’m afraid your grief does not excuse your awfulness. These people are stepping (not swooping!) in and offering your children love. “Small” gifts or not, inclusion in their wills or not, getting down on the floor to play with them or not, they want to be a part of your children’s lives. The more love and kindness, the more pleasure taken in their very existence, the better. The reality check here is manifold: yes, it’s a great pity your parents aren’t alive to be the grandparents you wanted for your children—and sure, I understand how pissed off you are by your father-in-law’s uninvolvement (though it sounds to me like he’s neck-deep in his own mourning, so maybe cut him some slack)—but this bonus set of grandparents is a gift. In fact, anyone who wants to be a part of your children’s lives, who pays attention to them, who widens the circle of love around them, is a gift. Don’t be churlish about this because it isn’t precisely the gift you have in mind.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/when-kids-dont-send-thank-you-notes-parenting-advice.html
no subject
I inherited precisely NOTHING from any of my great-aunts and great-uncles, and wasn't expecting anything either. I also inherited nothing from my grandparents except a moderate bequest from my step-grandmother, because they willed everything to their kids, not their grandkids. Is willing stuff directly to one's grandchildren a common expectation these days?
no subject
I don't know if it's common, but it's not unheard of. My maternal grandmother left a lot to my brother and me, rather than my mother, as we were minors and so didn't have to pay tax on it. If she'd lived until we were adults, she might have changed the will, who knows? Paternal grandmother did live into our adulthood and left us a small bequest each, the majority of her estate going to my father and his sisters.
no subject
no subject
Two of my grandparents died before I was born and didn't have anything much to leave, and a third left everything to his wife, the one grandparent I knew really well. She outlived both her children, so we did inherit directly from her. Her sister, who was unmarried and childless and had inherited family money due to taking care of her old uncle, left half her estate to her niece and nephew and the other half among her great-nieces and -nephews. I remember my mother being slightly grumpy about this (not more than slightly) as the previous family custom had been to leave money down at most one generation at a time.
no subject
I was so busy wondering why she thought granduncles/aunts should add a line to their will that I completely blew by the fact that BIL will actually be their most likely heir. (Outside of any direct gifts to the grand-whatevers, which may be more common if you have millions to distribute, I suppose, but I agree is more rare otherwise.) Be good to Uncle, I guess? (If his parents are trying to include LW's kids, I imagine BIL is, too, but probably not to the degree of writing them into an inheritance.)