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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a newborn daughter and a toddler son. I lost both my parents before either was born, and the only remaining grandparent they have is my husband’s father, an, err, eccentric roaming nomad who uprooted his life after the death of his wife. He has met neither of my children and it remains a sore spot for me as I mourn my parents and the wonderful grandparents they would have been to my kids, just as they were to my nieces and nephew. I think having elders in a child’s life is important, though, and so my brother-in-law’s parents have been more than happy to swoop in.
My BIL’s parents send typical cheesy holiday cards and gifts to my kids, things like matchy outfits, and refer to themselves with cutesy grandparent names, but I find myself struggling to accept this on several levels. First, it feels a bit…unearned? They live too far away to do any babysitting or help in any other way, and even when they visit, their health issues keep them from being as hands-on with the children as real grandparents would be. Honestly, I like them fine for brief visits, but they are very traditional and not the affectionate, funny, and worldly people my parents were. As much as they ask me for pictures of my children, and want to visit often, I have a gnawing resentment that they are here and my parents are not.
And then there’s this: they give my kids small gifts, while I know my niece—their actual grandchild—stands to inherit a lot of money from them (several million dollars, in fact). We are comfortable and don’t need their financial help, but it irks me that they swoop in, playacting as grandparents for the fun of it, and bragging about my kids to their friends and congregation, but we have no idea if they intend for my kids to inherit anything. Can I get a reality check here? Am I holding them to the lofty standards of the memory of my parents or does it read like these people are getting the grandparent experience on the cheap?
—Mourning Mama
Dear MM,
I’m deeply sorry about the loss of your parents—that’s a terrible blow—but I’m afraid your grief does not excuse your awfulness. These people are stepping (not swooping!) in and offering your children love. “Small” gifts or not, inclusion in their wills or not, getting down on the floor to play with them or not, they want to be a part of your children’s lives. The more love and kindness, the more pleasure taken in their very existence, the better. The reality check here is manifold: yes, it’s a great pity your parents aren’t alive to be the grandparents you wanted for your children—and sure, I understand how pissed off you are by your father-in-law’s uninvolvement (though it sounds to me like he’s neck-deep in his own mourning, so maybe cut him some slack)—but this bonus set of grandparents is a gift. In fact, anyone who wants to be a part of your children’s lives, who pays attention to them, who widens the circle of love around them, is a gift. Don’t be churlish about this because it isn’t precisely the gift you have in mind.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/when-kids-dont-send-thank-you-notes-parenting-advice.html
I have a newborn daughter and a toddler son. I lost both my parents before either was born, and the only remaining grandparent they have is my husband’s father, an, err, eccentric roaming nomad who uprooted his life after the death of his wife. He has met neither of my children and it remains a sore spot for me as I mourn my parents and the wonderful grandparents they would have been to my kids, just as they were to my nieces and nephew. I think having elders in a child’s life is important, though, and so my brother-in-law’s parents have been more than happy to swoop in.
My BIL’s parents send typical cheesy holiday cards and gifts to my kids, things like matchy outfits, and refer to themselves with cutesy grandparent names, but I find myself struggling to accept this on several levels. First, it feels a bit…unearned? They live too far away to do any babysitting or help in any other way, and even when they visit, their health issues keep them from being as hands-on with the children as real grandparents would be. Honestly, I like them fine for brief visits, but they are very traditional and not the affectionate, funny, and worldly people my parents were. As much as they ask me for pictures of my children, and want to visit often, I have a gnawing resentment that they are here and my parents are not.
And then there’s this: they give my kids small gifts, while I know my niece—their actual grandchild—stands to inherit a lot of money from them (several million dollars, in fact). We are comfortable and don’t need their financial help, but it irks me that they swoop in, playacting as grandparents for the fun of it, and bragging about my kids to their friends and congregation, but we have no idea if they intend for my kids to inherit anything. Can I get a reality check here? Am I holding them to the lofty standards of the memory of my parents or does it read like these people are getting the grandparent experience on the cheap?
—Mourning Mama
Dear MM,
I’m deeply sorry about the loss of your parents—that’s a terrible blow—but I’m afraid your grief does not excuse your awfulness. These people are stepping (not swooping!) in and offering your children love. “Small” gifts or not, inclusion in their wills or not, getting down on the floor to play with them or not, they want to be a part of your children’s lives. The more love and kindness, the more pleasure taken in their very existence, the better. The reality check here is manifold: yes, it’s a great pity your parents aren’t alive to be the grandparents you wanted for your children—and sure, I understand how pissed off you are by your father-in-law’s uninvolvement (though it sounds to me like he’s neck-deep in his own mourning, so maybe cut him some slack)—but this bonus set of grandparents is a gift. In fact, anyone who wants to be a part of your children’s lives, who pays attention to them, who widens the circle of love around them, is a gift. Don’t be churlish about this because it isn’t precisely the gift you have in mind.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/when-kids-dont-send-thank-you-notes-parenting-advice.html
no subject
And also the focus on these people's bank accounts is all sorts of what the fuck. Like, how do we get out of the really awful money worship culture we are in. Cause these folks are offering her love and interest and her well are they leaving their fortune to me is just ... something.
no subject
This is SUCH a good point and it probably is underlying the LW's issues more than it seems. Kids are A LOT. When I visit my folks these days, my brother and his wife like to leave all three of theirs with me (ages 5, 6, and 10 currently) and usually my mom for most of my visit. On the one hand, I'd love to actually be able to sit and talk with either of them; on the other hand, I can completely understand the urge to just be free for a bit. Multiple children are ROUGH to keep up with at the same time if you're the only one in the room. (IDK where LW's husband is, but he is really notable in his absence here.) And daycare is impossibly expensive. We just really, really need a better system. People are drowning out there.