Dear Prudence: Help! My Fiancé Is Trying to Involve Me in a Major Family Coverup

[minoanmiss]

He’s perfect in so many ways, but is this a red flag?

Dear Prudence,

For the better part of a year now I’ve been seeing an absolutely amazing man named “Ben.” He’s tall, gorgeous, gentle, mature, considerate, aesthetically sensitive, intellectually curious, and shares my love of culture and travel. He just proposed to me, and I accepted.
Ben has a darling almost 2-year-old son, “Toby,” and is the most joyful, loving and devoted father you could imagine. He told me that Toby’s mother, his ex-girlfriend “Starr,” was a terribly angry, bitter, spiritually ugly person, and when they had an unintended pregnancy, Ben and his family paid Starr to carry the baby to term and relinquish her parental rights. Starr hasn’t seen Toby since his birth, and Ben intends to keep things that way. As soon as we’re married Ben wants me to adopt Toby, and to raise him believing I’m his birth mother and our children are his full siblings. Due to health considerations and the existence of DNA testing, Ben is reluctantly willing to tell Toby he had a different birth mother once he’s an adult, but does not want to give him any identifying information about Starr.

The rest of Ben’s family are in complete agreement with this. However, I can’t quite get on board. Despite not knowing Starr personally, I find it hard to believe she would have totally given up her child if not for the financial temptation. And no matter what she’s like, I’m sure Toby at some point will want to know more about her and have the option of some kind of relationship with her. Would it be wrong for me to agree to Ben’s wishes for now, but keep the intention of renegotiating this later? Or even go behind his back and tell Toby the truth when he’s maybe 7 or 8, instead of 18+? Or should I refuse to marry Ben, denying myself a perfect partner and Toby (whom I already adore) a mother figure, if he stands firm on this?

— No Loving Lies

Wait a minute! You want to marry a man who you believe used money to separate his son from his mother? Reasonable people can disagree about how much to shield children from complicated and potentially painful truths about their families, but I think the way this all started—Ben’s family paying Starr to relinquish her rights—is incredibly, incredibly troubling. I’m going to have to disagree that Ben is a “perfect partner,” and I’m worried that he’ll try to overpower or manipulate you at some point in your relationship, just like he did his ex. When it comes to his request that you pretend to be Toby’s birth mother, it sounds like he wants to sweep the past under the rug and enjoy the image of a ready-made family rather than doing the more difficult work of being honest with his kid. This tendency toward using secrecy to keep up appearances is a red flag to me.

Yes, it would be wrong for you to agree to go along with this plan with the intention of “renegotiating” or going behind his back. But the bigger mistake you’re at risk of making is marrying someone who seems to have a pattern of selfishly disregarding what’s best for his loved ones. If you go through with the marriage before seeing Ben make a major shift toward sensitivity and honestly, you’ll be next.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Oh LW you do not want to be a character in this novel.

[kiezh]

Have you ever seriously argued with Ben, LW? Gotten visibly angry at him? Refused to be cajoled into going along with his smart, mature, SO cultured perspective? I think you should try that. Maybe on this very topic. Have an open conflict, not a secret plan to go behind his back years from now. (WTF)

Then watch carefully to see if you turn into a "terribly angry, bitter, spiritually ugly person" in his eyes, or if he threatens you with financial or social consequences for not following his script and playing the role he's cast you in.

It's possible Starr was really that awful (though "spiritually ugly" rings a lot of alarm bells for me). It's possible Ben isn't a controlling asshole who wants everything Just So (Or Else). But I think you should find out if he's "perfect" when you say No to him.

[oursin]

Strong case here for doing your best to find 'Starr' to get her side of the story.

[cimorene]

This style of "perfect in every way except this teensy, tiny, OBVIOUS RED FLAG, so how do I gently persuade it out of him without offending or upsetting anybody" letter is really a whole GENRE, isn't it? I must say this is a shining example of it, too. Yikes.

[zana16]

Hahaha I married one of the children of a family who tried to do this. The kids were too old (6 and 4) not to be told but the subject brings up a specialized madness that everyone has spent 40 years avoiding. My sister in law hasn’t told her kids her dad adopted her, and the expectation I know is that I won’t tell mine when they’re old enough to understand. (Fuck that, I’m definitely telling.) Because they’ve made it such a big deal, they’re willing to go to any length to protect the information. There was a point when they almost kicked my husband out of the family because of it - maintaining the secret was more important than maintaining the relationship. I can’t heal that sickness but I can do my best to make sure it doesn’t draw in my kiddos.

[cereta]

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH NO NO NO NO NO DON'T LIE DON'T LIE TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS. I mean, preferably, don't lie to them at all, but especially don't lie to them about stuff that is about them.

[ironymaiden]

My niece comes from a similar situation (marriage was already coming apart when birth mom got pregnant). Birth mom has been an asshole all along (the litany is long, but for example she steals her child's mail). Having an asshole bound to the family for the lifetime of your child is a miserable experience that I don't wish on anyone, especially the child.
I agree there are red flags here and that the kid should know, but what LW needs is a full backstory

[topaz_eyes]

LW needs to find Starr and talk to her ASAP. I wonder whether the "angry, bitter, spiritually ugly" description was actually because she wanted to end the unintended pregnancy (as was her right), and Ben and/or his family coerced/forced her to carry it.

[movingfinger]

Wasn't this a Mary Stewart plot?

If the child isn't yet two, all this happened very very recently. LW needs to dig into the story deeply or back away (or both), because this ruthlessness will be turned on her the moment she bucks his family in any way. Court documents? Social media search? Gossip in the community? Private detective? The "crazy ex" narrative is a red flag all by itself.

The other part of it is, that this guy is a douche who caused an unintended pregnancy. If LW isn't using reliable and un-sabotageable birth control now, I hope she starts immediately.

[conuly]

Never ever ever lie to a child about their origins. It's bound to come back and bite you later.

[ethelmay]

I can't see a lie like this working - it would get so complicated, especially if she gets pregnant and everyone they've met recently is thinking it's her second baby and asks her how it went last time. And does LW not have family of her own, or anyhow friends, who know she's not Toby's mom and can't be expected to automatically participate in this deception? (If Ben sought out someone isolated on purpose, OH JEEZ IS THAT YET ANOTHER RED FLAG.)

[firecat]

Didn't I see a movie a while back about what happens when you lie to your kid about their parentage? Oh yeah, it was called Thor.