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Guests behaving badly, hosts behaving badly, it never ends
1. DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have relatives who stay with us twice a year, for a week or two at a time. We very much appreciate their visits; their presence is welcome. As a thank-you for their stay, they offer to "do whatever needs doing" around the house and yard. My husband and I are the parents of a busy young family, and our area is rural enough that services like lawn care and housekeeping aren't widely available, so we welcome extra help when we can get it.
In the past, we've saved odd jobs for them, but lately I've become frustrated. Time and time again, we'll give them a job that's well within their scope, and they'll cut corners to get it done faster. They then laugh about how they minimized their work time so they'd have more relaxation afterwards.
For example, the trim work on our house is done in contrasting colors, but they painted it all one color -- it seems using two colors was "too hard," even though I gave them the paint and brushes to do both.
Next time they visit, my husband is inclined to either not let them help or just figure beggars can't be choosers if we ask them to do something. I'm inclined to politely say, "I'd love to have you help with this task, but I'd like no corners to be cut, as was done in the past. If it feels like too much, please don't start the job at all."
But maybe neither one of us is right.
GENTLE READER: Insulting someone politely is advanced etiquette -- and, in any case, impossible to do with your proposed script. More importantly, your expectations are unrealistic.
Long-term guests who offer to help should properly be understood to mean that they will perform a simple errand or clear the table after dinner -- not build a new deck, clean out the basement or paint the house. Miss Manners does not bar a truly dedicated guest from volunteering to do any of those, but it cannot be expected of them -- nor suggested.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2023/02/16
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2. DEAR ABBY: Whenever my husband, kids and I go away, my mother-in-law insists on staying at our house. She then rearranges the rooms in my house, moving things to where she thinks they should be. She also manages to leave behind her toiletries in the bathroom.
More than once she has thrown a party for her friends during our absence. It drives me crazy. Going on vacation stresses me out because I have no idea what I'm going to come home to. When my husband tells her I don't like when she rearranges things, she gets defensive and cries about how she "can't understand why I hate her." I don't hate her; I just wish she would respect my boundaries in my house. Advice? -- INVADED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR INVADED: I'm glad to provide some. The next time your MIL insists on housesitting while you are on holiday, say you have made other arrangements and do not waver. (If necessary, change the locks.)
https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2023/02/13
****************************
3. Dear Amy: Every year I spend the holidays at my sister’s house.
The past couple of years have been a little crazy for us. Our mother passed away in the early stages of the pandemic.
Then I was furloughed from my job, and my boyfriend decided I was no fun and broke up with me, so over the past few years I slowly (like many of us) put on a few pounds.
(I have recently found a new job that I like.)
My sister always comments on my weight. Always.
I had barely arrived at her house before she was telling me that I needed to lose weight, or I would die. This went on the whole time I was there. She mentioned she had also written an email to my ex about my weight. She added that our daughters were in danger, since they had also put on weight.
It blew my mind that she had the nerve to do that. I confirmed this with my ex once I returned home. He said that when he didn’t respond to her email, she sent another, demanding a response from him.
I was floored, it was inexcusable. I am not sure I can ever forgive her for this.
She is not without flaws herself and has her own family to care about. At one point we had talked about me moving close to her in the next few years since I am alone, but this last episode makes me question this and wonder if I should just cut my ties with her.
Family is family, but I feel she has overstepped big time.
What do you think I should do?
– Weighty Issue
Dear Weighty: Your sister doesn’t hesitate to “weigh in” (excuse the pun) on your situation in a very frank way, and so I suggest that it’s time for you to respond in a way that conveys your deep concern over her behavior – as well as the consequences that will result if she refuses to alter her behavior.
You should send her an email. Thank her for hosting you over the holidays. Tell her, “Unfortunately, your ongoing obsession with my weight makes it impossible for me to relate to you in the way I would like. You have totally crossed the line. From now on, this topic is off the table.”
She may respond defensively – or double down by stating that she is just worried about you. You will then have to decide how to move forward: whether you believe your sister is capable of restraint, or whether it is healthier for you to keep your distance.
*****************************
4. Dear Amy: I am a retired woman living in the Northern U.S.
I find joy in the simple things in life: taking walks around my property and collecting things like Beanie Babies, some of which are rather valuable.
This is where the problem lies.
I have two granddaughters, both in their late teens, who come over from time to time whenever their parents force them.
They eye my collection, and instead of seeing simple collectibles, I am afraid that they just see dollar signs.
When their parents first started making them visit me, they were rather reluctant, having an attitude toward me, shutting themselves in my guest room, and burying themselves in their cellphones.
However, when they finally took note of my Beanie Baby collection, things changed.
Now when they visit, they are far more cheerful, engaging me in pleasant conversation and helping me around the house.
One time, they even brought a friend along to look at my collection.
I would like to believe that they are simply maturing in their characters, but a small part of me is afraid that they are only being nice to get at my collection. Amy, I would like to give them the benefit of the doubt, but am I being too naive?
– Suspicious Grandma
Dear Grandma: The whole collectible Beanie Baby phenomenon is either a very weird valuation “bubble” of sorts, or a genuine gold mine – depending on what Beanie Babies you possess and what source you check to determine their value.
Your attitude toward your granddaughters is … less than ideal.
Of course these teens are interested in this collection of yours! Isn’t this something you have in common?
You could connect with them by enlisting their help to research the value of some of these specific toys.
Questions to ask yourself are: Do you view these toys as an investment, with plans to try to sell them someday? Or do you simply enjoy the process of collecting them?
How do you imagine that your granddaughters would “get at” your collection? Do you believe they are hoping that you will give them some of these collectibles, or leave these toys to them after your death? Do you fear that they will be tempted to take them?
I suggest that you choose to see your granddaughters as being like the most valuable Beanie Babies in your collection: In pristine condition, complete with their original tags.
If you expressed as much curiosity and interest toward them as you have invested in your collection, then your relationship would be more solid, and you might be closer and more confident about their motives today.
https://tribunecontentagency.com/article/ask-amy-beanie-baby-investment-worries-grandma/
In the past, we've saved odd jobs for them, but lately I've become frustrated. Time and time again, we'll give them a job that's well within their scope, and they'll cut corners to get it done faster. They then laugh about how they minimized their work time so they'd have more relaxation afterwards.
For example, the trim work on our house is done in contrasting colors, but they painted it all one color -- it seems using two colors was "too hard," even though I gave them the paint and brushes to do both.
Next time they visit, my husband is inclined to either not let them help or just figure beggars can't be choosers if we ask them to do something. I'm inclined to politely say, "I'd love to have you help with this task, but I'd like no corners to be cut, as was done in the past. If it feels like too much, please don't start the job at all."
But maybe neither one of us is right.
GENTLE READER: Insulting someone politely is advanced etiquette -- and, in any case, impossible to do with your proposed script. More importantly, your expectations are unrealistic.
Long-term guests who offer to help should properly be understood to mean that they will perform a simple errand or clear the table after dinner -- not build a new deck, clean out the basement or paint the house. Miss Manners does not bar a truly dedicated guest from volunteering to do any of those, but it cannot be expected of them -- nor suggested.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2023/02/16
2. DEAR ABBY: Whenever my husband, kids and I go away, my mother-in-law insists on staying at our house. She then rearranges the rooms in my house, moving things to where she thinks they should be. She also manages to leave behind her toiletries in the bathroom.
More than once she has thrown a party for her friends during our absence. It drives me crazy. Going on vacation stresses me out because I have no idea what I'm going to come home to. When my husband tells her I don't like when she rearranges things, she gets defensive and cries about how she "can't understand why I hate her." I don't hate her; I just wish she would respect my boundaries in my house. Advice? -- INVADED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR INVADED: I'm glad to provide some. The next time your MIL insists on housesitting while you are on holiday, say you have made other arrangements and do not waver. (If necessary, change the locks.)
https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2023/02/13
3. Dear Amy: Every year I spend the holidays at my sister’s house.
The past couple of years have been a little crazy for us. Our mother passed away in the early stages of the pandemic.
Then I was furloughed from my job, and my boyfriend decided I was no fun and broke up with me, so over the past few years I slowly (like many of us) put on a few pounds.
(I have recently found a new job that I like.)
My sister always comments on my weight. Always.
I had barely arrived at her house before she was telling me that I needed to lose weight, or I would die. This went on the whole time I was there. She mentioned she had also written an email to my ex about my weight. She added that our daughters were in danger, since they had also put on weight.
It blew my mind that she had the nerve to do that. I confirmed this with my ex once I returned home. He said that when he didn’t respond to her email, she sent another, demanding a response from him.
I was floored, it was inexcusable. I am not sure I can ever forgive her for this.
She is not without flaws herself and has her own family to care about. At one point we had talked about me moving close to her in the next few years since I am alone, but this last episode makes me question this and wonder if I should just cut my ties with her.
Family is family, but I feel she has overstepped big time.
What do you think I should do?
– Weighty Issue
Dear Weighty: Your sister doesn’t hesitate to “weigh in” (excuse the pun) on your situation in a very frank way, and so I suggest that it’s time for you to respond in a way that conveys your deep concern over her behavior – as well as the consequences that will result if she refuses to alter her behavior.
You should send her an email. Thank her for hosting you over the holidays. Tell her, “Unfortunately, your ongoing obsession with my weight makes it impossible for me to relate to you in the way I would like. You have totally crossed the line. From now on, this topic is off the table.”
She may respond defensively – or double down by stating that she is just worried about you. You will then have to decide how to move forward: whether you believe your sister is capable of restraint, or whether it is healthier for you to keep your distance.
4. Dear Amy: I am a retired woman living in the Northern U.S.
I find joy in the simple things in life: taking walks around my property and collecting things like Beanie Babies, some of which are rather valuable.
This is where the problem lies.
I have two granddaughters, both in their late teens, who come over from time to time whenever their parents force them.
They eye my collection, and instead of seeing simple collectibles, I am afraid that they just see dollar signs.
When their parents first started making them visit me, they were rather reluctant, having an attitude toward me, shutting themselves in my guest room, and burying themselves in their cellphones.
However, when they finally took note of my Beanie Baby collection, things changed.
Now when they visit, they are far more cheerful, engaging me in pleasant conversation and helping me around the house.
One time, they even brought a friend along to look at my collection.
I would like to believe that they are simply maturing in their characters, but a small part of me is afraid that they are only being nice to get at my collection. Amy, I would like to give them the benefit of the doubt, but am I being too naive?
– Suspicious Grandma
Dear Grandma: The whole collectible Beanie Baby phenomenon is either a very weird valuation “bubble” of sorts, or a genuine gold mine – depending on what Beanie Babies you possess and what source you check to determine their value.
Your attitude toward your granddaughters is … less than ideal.
Of course these teens are interested in this collection of yours! Isn’t this something you have in common?
You could connect with them by enlisting their help to research the value of some of these specific toys.
Questions to ask yourself are: Do you view these toys as an investment, with plans to try to sell them someday? Or do you simply enjoy the process of collecting them?
How do you imagine that your granddaughters would “get at” your collection? Do you believe they are hoping that you will give them some of these collectibles, or leave these toys to them after your death? Do you fear that they will be tempted to take them?
I suggest that you choose to see your granddaughters as being like the most valuable Beanie Babies in your collection: In pristine condition, complete with their original tags.
If you expressed as much curiosity and interest toward them as you have invested in your collection, then your relationship would be more solid, and you might be closer and more confident about their motives today.
https://tribunecontentagency.com/article/ask-amy-beanie-baby-investment-worries-grandma/
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2. JFC, that MIL. Do not let her in your home again, LW!
3. JFC, fat people know they're fat! You don't need to tell them!
4. JFC, they're trying to be nice to you, Grandma, why are you being so weird about it?
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LW4: JFC, lady, if you don't want them there, just say so.
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4. There is so much missing from this letter, I don't know if it's even "reasons" exactly. But there's an implication here that the granddaughters didn't even know LW until the last few years? And now the granddaughters are being "forced" to visit a lot (possibly without parents along?) Like, I feel like the Beanie Babies are not the actual issue here.
(Also, LW, your beanie babies aren't actually worth anything. I promise. Even if you lucked into having one of the ultra rare ones, it is not going to make an inheritance for your granddaughters. There are issues here other than the granddaughters too.)
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I mean, she apparently believes they are "rather valuable", but I really find that hard to believe these days.
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But even then, if your granddaughters think it's super valuable, it's not because they looked at them and went "Gramma has beanie babies, we're rich!" It's because you've invested a lot of time in telling them that Gramma is rich because she has valuable beanie babies. They aren't going to get there on their own.
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