agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: Almost 10 years ago my wife discovered that I had been cheating on her, emotionally and physically, and that I had a porn addiction I couldn’t control. We separated for a year but eventually ended up back together. Years of therapy and support groups helped me to become the man I really want to be. And accountability, both digital and in the real world, help my wife to see that I remain faithful and dedicated.

Alas, at the age of 40, I feel that I spent most of my 30s living like a grounded teenager. I have freedom working for myself, but I’m not really allowed to use it. All I really want to do is surf and spend time in the ocean, but my wife is convinced this will somehow lead to me cheating on her. Despite the fact that she can see my location at all times, and has full access to all my devices and every inch of my life, I think she has some trauma that therapy didn’t really heal.

Any anger I have will always be outweighed by a greater anger that she can generate. I don’t want to be ignorant of her needs but I’m slipping into deeper depression. I told myself I wouldn’t live like this in my 40s. My wife seems to have no intention of loosening her grip on my life. It is destroying my well-being.

I’m essentially the sole breadwinner, and I live today as a dedicated husband and partner. I’ve submitted to her every need for accountability. Is it wrong to put my foot down and take a bit of my life back?

– Betrayer

Dear Betrayer: You and your wife are both trapped by the breach in trust caused by your infidelity during your 20’s.

But just how long is this jail sentence supposed to last?

After 10 years of therapy, transparency and fidelity, you’ve proven that you want to and are able to remain faithful and trustworthy.

If you are currently this unhappy and angry in your marriage and haven’t slipped back into your addictive behavior, your recovery seems a solid success.

Your wife has been living in a state of hypervigilance. This is damaging to her physical and mental health. She should definitely resume therapy, and her goal should not be to change or retrain you, but to retrain her own brain away from rumination and anger, and toward balance, trust and health.

It seems logical that if you both want to stay in this marriage but don’t want to stay trapped and angry, then you should take this trust out for a spin and see what it can do.

Go surfing for the day. Your wife will have to feel her feelings, understand her anxiety, and find ways to cope with it.

If she spends a lot of time policing you, she may also have to find other ways to fill that time with a job, a hobby, friends and interests of her own.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2777126?fs

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Amy, it's okay to tell people to get a divorce. These two people should get a divorce. They should have done it ten years ago, because obviously neither one of them is happy.

this so much this oh my god. there's no indication that they are good for each other in any way.

Sounds like she's abusing him as a result of his breach of her trust. Neither of those things is okay. And if therapists and support groups genuinely recommended this total lack of privacy for him, then they're toxic and terrible.

if therapists and support groups genuinely recommended this total lack of privacy for him, then they're toxic and terrible.

seriously, that's not okay in any way!

She should definitely resume therapy

Someone let me know when he's about to tell her that, so I can make popcorn.

More seriously... is healing broken trust a matter of action, a function of time, something more complex that includes both? Why does his wife not feel safe about his interest in surfing? Is that her being controlling, him being untrustworthy, a complicated mix of both? I don't feel I can honestly judge here.

This is typical advice coming out of "sex addiction" and "affair recovery" websites.

I was with someone who subjected me to this even though I never actually cheated. (It's not only a thing that straight women do to straight men.)

It's abuse.

Good article. My gut feeling reading this letter was, "neither of you have fully recovered, emotionally, from the cheating." And this article explains exactly why I felt that.

I wondered about this, because "accountability" sounded like a code word, even though I didn't know what it was code for.

Accountability is a big buzzword in fundiegelical circles. Not coincidentally, they're the group most likely to claim that they struggle with porn addiction - and not because they actually jerk off to porn more than the rest of the population.

"Accountability" (or "transparency") refers to "the fact that she can see my location at all times, and has full access to all my devices and every inch of my life."

It means living in a panopticon and "confessing" every action and thought that one's partner might possibly be upset about.

It's hell.

This this this. As an ex fundie, the phrase “porn addiction” was a huge red flag for me.

It seems like they never fully worked through the reasons why LW cheated the first time, and those continue to hang over the marriage. If the initial cheating involved surfing and/or the ocean, I can kinda understand why his wife is worried--but she has to start trusting him. Either that, or LW seeks a divorce.