agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: A few weeks ago, I ran away from home because I couldn't get my way. I wasn't gone the whole day.

When I came back my mom felt disrespected because of what I had done. Since then, she hasn't talked to me because I never apologized. She thinks that I should have apologized after the situation happened.

I understand this, and when I look back on what I did it was really dumb, but I wouldn't say I like talking about it. I really don't want to continue our relationship as a family if there is no communication. Amy, will you please tell me what you think?

How can I make her talk to me again? What should I do?

– Troubled Teen

Dear Teen: I want to point out that you and your mom have actually communicated. After you came home, she communicated that she felt disrespected and that she wanted an apology.

You say that you understand this, and yet it sounds as if you haven’t apologized.

Your mother should not be freezing you out. She is supposed to be mature and forgiving. She’s supposed to know what to do and how to act. And yet parents are people. They get their feelings hurt and don’t always know what to do.

I think you should write to her. Explain how you were feeling when you chose to leave home, and how sad you feel, now. Use the phrase, “I know this must have been scary for you, but I wasn’t thinking about that at the time, and I hope you can forgive me so we can get back to being a closer family.”

I hope you will connect with your school counselor, who might be able to help further.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2773307?fs

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I don't know what happened that day, but I do know this: When given the choice between telling her kid that she felt worried and telling her kid that she felt disrespected, LW's mother chose the latter, and has now been giving her kid the silent treatment ever since, for a period of weeks.

And while it's certainly possible that any objective observer would say that LW ran off because they "didn't get their way", something about that phrasing reeks of parental wording. I'm really not loving the fact that LW is framing their actions using their mom's viewpoint.

Should LW apologize? Yeah, probably - but that's because they have to live in this house with this woman until they become an adult, not because their mother is actually right to keep holding this over their head indefinitely. If you ask me, even if LW was 100% in the wrong to run off that day, their mom lost the right to demand an apology when she decided to act like this. The silent treatment, for weeks, is emotional abuse. This cannot be the first time she's mistreated her kid.

Agreed — that is 100% a parental quote.

And the mother is being emotionally-abusive, and I’ll bet you money that this barely scratches the surface of it.

+1000

$5 on more horrors, yep.

I just wish the kid had had a safe place to run, and to stay.

+1 An apology for making her mom *worry* - while probably still not the first thing Mom should have thought of - is probably valid and useful. An apology for "disrespect"? LW, do it to keep the peace, but also, don't worry too much about respect beyond keeping the peace, respect is earned both ways.

Yes, “not getting your way” could be SO MANY things, including a bunch of stuff that is legitimately really upsetting and could really leave a teenager feeling rejected/ignored/un-cared for. Maybe the kid wanted to do something completely reasonable and was turned down for shitty reasons. I agree that is parental wording. :(

Yes, “not getting your way” could be SO MANY things, including a bunch of stuff that is legitimately really upsetting and could really leave a teenager feeling rejected/ignored/un-cared for.

Yeah. Just, yeah.

I want to point out that you and your mom have actually communicated.

Bull. Shit.

I mean, if you call demanding an apology for disrespect and then silent treatment "communication" I guess there's something there. But it's not, yanno, what I would call healthy communication. It's not communication that listens, just communication that speaks, with the aim of silencing the other. It's communication in the same way that a drawn weapon is communication. It's communication meant to subjugate and intimidate and control, not communication meant to listen and love and grow.

So get the hell out of here with that "but you've communicated" crap.

LW, I hope you have friends with healthy and open families. Be with them. See what loving communication is. I hope your mother will understand that someday, but I hope even more that you will find it for yourself.

Kid, I wish you the best of luck in finding somewhere to run to.

Walking away from a situation when you are emotionally unequipped to handle what's going on is sometimes the mature choice, when you tell people that you are going to do this before you depart, and give a basic end time when you can be expected back. ("A couple hours", "by dinner", and "before dark" are all reasonable end times.) "I'm going for a walk to cool my head, I'll be back X" is a great way to phrase it.

As the parent of a teenager, your mom should understand that sometimes you are not going to make the mature choice. She can guide you in making those choices, but giving you the silent treatment for not apologizing when you went out unannounced and were back within the same day, is not a proportionate response.

Please reach out to someone trusted, perhaps your school counselor, and talk to them about what's been going on at home, and what you would like to happen to resolve it.

Love,
Fishmum

Seems to me that the mom doesn't behave very well when she "doesn't get her way." (I tend not to trust that expression from people who use it a lot - so often it's projection.)