Cut for body shaming

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My daughter is 33 and is a kind, caring person. She has a good job and a devoted boyfriend who is living with her in a house that we helped her buy. She was a normal weight until she gained about 30 pounds in college and after she joined AA to quit drinking. During the pandemic she became depressed and put on another 20 pounds, but in the past 18 months (since her boyfriend moved in) she has gained at least 60 pounds. She is now 100 pounds over her BMI of 25, a healthy weight.

She quit her gym during Covid and hasn’t gone back. She has done several extreme fad diets, including vegan and keto, but now has thrown herself into a carb-heavy diet and has a BMI of over 35. Her normal-sized boyfriend has also put on at least 10 pounds.

Six months ago, she saw a doctor who recommended bariatric surgery, which she refused. She doesn’t see doctors, despite having good health insurance. I’ve read in your column that I can’t speak to her about this since she is fully aware of it, will resent me, and only she can change it.

I am terrified that she will become so obese that she cannot find a new job or boyfriend – if either of those disappear. She has some social anxiety but is quite adamant about her own judgment. I suggested that she see an endocrinologist since she may have a metabolic disorder (aside from eating too much).

She has yet to call that doctor.

How can I help her take the first step? I’m paralyzed with fear that she will die of morbid obesity.

– Desperate Mother

Dear Desperate: Your interest in your daughter’s body size, weight, and BMI is obsessive and I suggest that you get a handle on your own anxiety, by talking this through with a therapist.

You state that your daughter will not see a doctor – and yet she did see a doctor, six months ago. This doctor recommended bariatric surgery, which she is declining. She has also done at least one other positive and honestly monumental thing to protect her health, which was to join AA and become sober.

How and why has your daughter’s BMI (body mass index) come up in conversation? You are either bringing up this topic, or she is sharing these details with you, perhaps testing your response. Don’t bite that hook.

If the 12-step AA model works for her, she could find a 12-step program like Overeaters Anonymous (OA.org) to join – but again, this should be her choice.

Stop. If hounding people helped them to lose weight, then I assure you we’d all be doing it.

Your obsession with your daughter’s weight is destined to damage her self-esteem, if it hasn’t done so already.

Comments

[conuly]

LW, to be clear, liked her daughter better when she was an alcoholic rather than a fat person, and she would very much prefer it if LW dated people who wanted to be with her for her looks rather than her kind and caring personality. She also doesn't mind if her daughter puts her health at risk in order to lose weight.

I can think of one way LW's daughter can lose some excess baggage....

[conuly]

Also, I added up all the numbers - LW's daughter gained 20 pounds here, 30 pounds there, and at least 60 pounds over the course of the pandemic, which now puts her 100 pounds over "a healthy weight".

Assuming LW can do basic arithmetic, it sounds like she liked her daughter more when she was malnourished and underweight. And also, let's not forget, an alcoholic. Gee, I wonder why her daughter started drinking....

[petrea_mitchell]

I have a small issue with:

If hounding people helped them to lose weight, then I assure you we’d all be doing it.

I dunno, if hounding people actually improved their health, maybe then I'd do it.

[welcomingsong]

Oh! I took that to mean “We’d all be losing weight,” because I can’t think of anyone who hasn’t been fat-shamed at some point!

[hashiveinu]

The columnist is clearly in favor of the daughter losing weight (see the OA recommendation), but thinks it's not nice to hound her about it. I read it petrea_mitchell's way.

[conuly]

I agree that the columnist clearly does think Daughter needs to lose weight, but I still read that as 85% chance of "we'd all lose weight" rather than "we'd all be assholes and hound people about their weight".

[minoanmiss]

We should make a poll as to who read it which way! (I also read it as "we'd all be assholes and hound people about their weight".)

[melannen]

I'm not even sure Columnist does agree, so much as making the decision that it's the wrong tack to take with LW.

But I also read it as "we'd all lose weight".

[cereta]

I'm kind of stuck on, "How will her weight keep her from getting another good job if she has one now it doesn't interfere with?" This led to, "Hang on, what's this, 'if she loses the ones she has now'? Is this a thing?" and then to, "Nope, you're just really, REALLY obsessed."

[julian]

I don't mind this response. The "if hounding people" line is iffy, but she's really quite firm with the LW, who definitely needed that kind of firmness. Because goodness, the obsessiveness.