Dear Prudence: Moral DIsagreements

[minoanmiss]

How do I respond to a person doing something I morally disagree with that they are very excited about? I’ve found myself in many conversations over the past year where acquaintances, coworkers, distant family, or other not-close friends give me an update that makes me uncomfortable.

Examples include: “I’m visiting Hawaii during a drought,” “I’m trying to adopt a baby and fighting the birth mother for custody,” and “I’m going on a mission trip to Uganda to convert people to Christianity.” These are all things I don’t super agree with, but the person speaking often sees as positive or totally innocent. Do I just say good luck? Do I share my concerns? I feel like a self-righteous buzzkill if I react honestly, and like I’m silently endorsing their actions if I don’t.

—Paralyzed By Politeness

Dear Paralyzed,

This is hard to answer because it’s not about the words you say in conversation. It’s about the relationship you want to have with people who do things that you find morally objectionable. And only you can make the calculation about where certain actions fall on the “I would have made a different choice” to “Wow, you’re actually a force for evil and I don’t want to be close to you” spectrum in your mind. I’m guessing that a friend making a poor choice for the environment in a world where we could all stand to interrogate our actions might not rise to the same level as someone committing to a legal fight that you see as seriously hurting a specific child. But I don’t know! Either way, here is your guide.

If you think what the person is doing is so messed up that it makes you question whether you even really want to be friends with them: “Wow, that actually sounds kind of wrong to me!”

If you disagree with the action but not enough that it changes your opinion of the person or your desire to have a relationship with them: “Wow, how long will the flight be?”

Comments

[rmc28]

I agree broadly, but also in some of these areas where I'd need to know more to make a fair judgement (dietary needs, birth parent's history), I feel like I don't have any right to know. So e.g. I don't want to put myself in a judge-ing position or mindset over anyone's choice of food or diet, because whether they have medical stuff going on or just really really like roast beef isn't my business.

(We can also get into super-frustrating areas like my autistic children being labelled 'picky' for having very strong preferences about food textures - is that a 'medical' issue because of their sensory processing or 'just a preference'? So much going on about gatekeeping and authority and who gets to decide things.)

[lilysea]

We can also get into super-frustrating areas like my autistic children being labelled 'picky' for having very strong preferences about food textures - is that a 'medical' issue because of their sensory processing or 'just a preference'? So much going on about gatekeeping and authority and who gets to decide things

I would definitely regard sensory processing as a medical issue.

There was a teenager with severe sensory issues in the UK who went Blind due to a highly restricted diet (milkshakes and packets of chips only) due to sensory issues - sensory issues are potentially very serious.

I also wouldn't judge someone if they said "I need to eat red meat every day for health reasons" - I don't need to know *what* the health reasons are, I trust people that whatever they consider to be "health reasons" is highly likely to be valid.

I would only judge someone if someone said "I eat red meat every day, and I could easily swap to chicken/fish to reduce my carbon footprint, but I can't be bothered/why should I have to/why should I do it if no-one else is?"