Dear Prudence: Resigned to Rashes

[minoanmiss]

Content Advisory: self-delusion, weaponizing an innocent animal.

Resigned to Rashes: My boyfriend recently adopted a cat, and I’m allergic to it. I’m not a big cat person, and this particular cat wants to be on me all the time, which isn’t good for my allergies or my sensory needs (I like my personal space). I’m a little hurt that he got a cat even though he knew about my allergies, but I think he didn’t realize how serious they are; the first time I had a bad asthma attack after he got her, he panicked and asked if we should break up. I don’t really know how to navigate this. I love him and I’ll accept the cat and what it does to me as the price of admission, but I don’t know how to deal with feeling bad about it, and I don’t really know how to navigate negotiating about the cat and ways to make being around her easier when my boyfriend’s panic response is, “Maybe we should break up.”


A: I want to say this gently: That was not a panic response. Your boyfriend wants to break up with you—or at best, he doesn’t care whether he breaks up with you. Getting the cat despite your allergies was the first sign. Immediately proposing a breakup instead of throwing around ideas like getting an antihistamine for you, vacuuming more often, or (more drastically) rehoming the cat was the second. He wants out. I’m sorry.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Dear LW: I spent quite awhile seeking out roommates who had cats. This is for two reasons:

1) I like cats
2) My father is allergic to cats

Now my father deserved this (I have scars if you need proof) but you don't. Leave this boyfriend before he takes more direct steps to be rid of you. On your way out the door you don't have to call him out on weaponizing an innocent animal, but if you did I wouldn't blame you.

[laurajv]

my asshole father dislikes but is not allergic to cats.

our late kitty Tovy had a weird thing about climbing my father's arm and humping it. no, he never did this to anyone else. but he did it to my father three times, and then my father stopped coming by our apartment because "that cat's really weird".

our theory was that Tovy knew my father made us uncomfortable and was determined to return the favor. :D

[minoanmiss]

Thank you, Tovy!

[laurajv]

he was a very good kitty :)

[conuly]

I love him and I’ll accept the cat and what it does to me as the price of admission

Why? Clearly he doesn't love you back or he would not have gotten a pet cat.

This is not a situation where he already had a cat. He just up and got a new cat.

[castiron]

LW, your boyfriend has already chosen the cat over you. Go find someone who takes your needs and wants into consideration when he's thinking about a pet.

[melannen]

Look it's possible he didn't realize your allergies were that bad but it doesn't matter what he was thinking when he got the cat, or if there are compromises that would work for you. When it came down to a crisis he by reflex suggested dumping you instead of dumping the cat. Unless you are okay with coming second to the cat, dump him first.

[ethelmay]

Some missing information here. Are they living together? And did they talk about the cat beforehand, or is this a surprise cat?

[minoanmiss]

Based on "I’m a little> hurt that he got a cat even though he knew about my allergies" I am inferring that if the cat was discussed, her part of the discussion was "please don't get a cat, I'm allergic".

Besides, people say what they really mean when they're not thinking. If his reaction to her not being able to breathe is "we should break up," well, what is she waiting for, a pillow over her face?

[lethe1]

"If his reaction to her not being able to breathe is "we should break up," well, what is she waiting for, a pillow over her face?"

Ha! Well said.

[nonethefewer]

I have no opinion on the relationship part, but if it turns out he only got the cat to cowardly break up with his girlfriend without using his words, and he rehomes the cat after they break up... I will think mean thoughts at him from the internet.