(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I'm in my second -- and final -- marriage, and I have a 15-year-old son and a 5-year-old son. I have struggled for years with the disconnected relationship between my older son and his little brother.

I met my wife when the older one was 4. Everything was great, and my wife and the boy bonded at the time. At age 5, my wife and son walked our dog one day without me, and both were greeted by a neighbor who said that her "son" looked cute. To this, he replied, "She's nothing, she's a zero." As you can imagine, my wife was distraught when she came home. Despite both adults understanding that my son made the statement based on his biological mom feeding him that type of comment, that pivotal moment endured.

Currently, my older son has a serious chip on his shoulder (expectedly at that age), though I do occasionally get a glimmer of his beautiful younger self. He does respect his stepmom. His everyday greeting anytime he sees us is a low, mumbled "hi." His younger brother yearns for his big brother's acknowledgment and attention, but it has slowly diminished over the years due to his older brother's inattentiveness.

My question is, what do I do to help bridge the gap between brothers for the long term? At this point, I just hope my older one will eventually have the wisdom to understand that his younger brother may be his undiscovered, longest-term, best friend, or at a least loving one. -- Seeking Guidance

Dear Seeking: Communication is the key. Start with your teenage son, explaining to him how you need his help in boosting the confidence of his little brother. If you and your wife approach both boys with a kind heart, which you clearly have, they will want to help you out.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2745381

Comments

[conuly]

I don't think this advice is very good, but then, I also don't think the LW is asking the right question here.

I met my wife when the older one was 4. Everything was great, and my wife and the boy bonded at the time. At age 5, my wife and son walked our dog one day without me, and both were greeted by a neighbor who said that her "son" looked cute. To this, he replied, "She's nothing, she's a zero." As you can imagine, my wife was distraught when she came home. Despite both adults understanding that my son made the statement based on his biological mom feeding him that type of comment, that pivotal moment endured.

What even is this? The kid was 5 and he said something which may or may not have had anything to do with his mother at all, and his stepmother was "distraught" over what a... five year old said? Is she still upset over this? It's been a decade! Like, I get that it was upsetting (though I still draw the line at "distraught") but... he was five, he was literally a different person then.

Currently, my older son has a serious chip on his shoulder (expectedly at that age), though I do occasionally get a glimmer of his beautiful younger self.

Am I wrong in wondering if the last time LW thought his son had a "beautiful" self was when he was in preschool? Because that's what the juxtaposition seems to suggest here.

My question is, what do I do to help bridge the gap between brothers for the long term? At this point, I just hope my older one will eventually have the wisdom to understand that his younger brother may be his undiscovered, longest-term, best friend, or at a least loving one.

This pops straight up out of nowhere! I'm way more concerned about the way LW is weirdly fixated on that one incident from when the older kid was 5.

[cimorene]

Same.

[melannen]

1. LW, you need to deal with who your son is now, not who he was when he was 5. This also applies to your wife.

2. He's a fifteen year old. A mumbled "Hi", evidence of respect for both parents, and increasing lack of interest in a five year old is a fifteen year old being a good kid.

[castiron]

Can confirm.

[xenacryst]

There's a whole lot of story that isn't included here. Like, there's way more not included than included. Like, the Star Trek writers looked at this story and were in awe at the size of the plot holes. "How can you construct a narrative with so little substance?" they asked. "It is a wonderment!" was the exclamation.

Not Star Trek, but Walter Koenig as Bester is always good

[sporky_rat]

I feel like even DC Fontana couldn't do much with this letter and she was legendary at being able to do plots with not much more than a couple of words.

[redbird]

And what's that "--and final--" doing there? I can think of explanations for "this person is sure he wouldn't remarry if this marriage ended," but still, what is that the thing he thinks is worth mentioning about his relationship with his wife?

Literally, all we know about that relationship is that LW and his wife met when his older child was four. The rest is about the older boy's relationships with his stepmother and with his younger brother. But LW dropped that "and final" into the first sentence, and I wonder why.

[ethelmay]

A way of emphasizing that former wife was the Bad Wife and the current wife is the Good Wife, and therefore no one gets to have complicated feelings about which one they like better, including Bad Wife's son at age five?

[minoanmiss]

I agree, yeah.

[castiron]

I mean, I'm reasonably confident that my current marriage is my final marriage (if I outlive Spouse, I'm perfectly content living alone, and it'd take someone really compatible to make me change my mind), but if I were asking for advice about kids from my two marriages, I wouldn't feel the need to throw that fact in.

[xenacryst]

Further musings... LW, you write, as I mentioned, the sketchiest of histories, but one thing is pretty clear: you and your first wife tore apart your marriage in a rather bloody carnage when your kid was barely learning how to interact with the world, and you don't mention anything about addressing the trauma that that caused. I'm not casting blame for that carnage, but don't you think it might have some bearing on how your kid has grown up?

[julian]

Dear Annie:

I got divorced, I'm sad about it, and so is my kid. Also, my first wife is a jerk.

Sometimes, my older kid is a jerk. Also, sometimes, my kid can't bridge the *10 year gap* between himself and my younger kid. This is horrible and what do I doooo?

OK, OK, I'm exaggerating, but goodness, LW, relax. Your kid seems to have dealt OK with having bad messages whispered in his ear by his biological mother, and if he's a little disconnected from his younger (half?) brother, these things happen. Take them out to dinner sometimes.

[mommy]

I don't see much of anything about the relationship between the brothers in this letter which is odd because the question at the end is on that topic.

[ysobel]

...I'm so confused... how did they deal with the "she's a zero" comment, and what does that have to do with the relationship between brothers, and

what

[p_cocincinus]

When I was fifteen, I had virtually zero interest in my seven-year-old half brother, and that had nothing to do with his being my half brother and everything to do with the fact we lived in different universes as far as interests and interaction levels went. My primary interaction with him was keeping him alive when I was babysitting him. There's nothing wrong or abnormal about the older kid not being interested in the younger kid, regardless of anything else. Get a grip, LW.

[laurajv]

right? one of my close friends has sons who are 10 years apart. they are full siblings being raised by their married biological parents, and the 16 yr old mostly just tolerates his little brother in a distant way, does a decent job babysitting when it's asked of him, and sometimes helps him with homework or agrees to play a video game with him.

[toujours_nigel]

My sister is about seven years younger than me and ignoring her while I was in my teens was the kinder option. A five y.o. might well be delightful, but he's still learning how to be a human.

[katiedid717]

My youngest sister is 10 1/2 years younger than I am and when we were the ages of the kids in this letter, I only really paid attention to her when I was being paid to babysit (there was family controversy about my mother paying me to babysit, but she knew that if she didn't pay me, I would go get a paying job elsewhere and then she would be paying one of my friends instead). A 15yo and a 5yo really aren't going to have much in common; if your older son isn't bullying or mistreating the younger one just leave it be! The 10-year age gap is HUGE when you're 5 and 15, but it feels smaller at 15 and 25, and smaller still at 25 and 35. Give them time to grow and develop as people.

[castiron]

Given what LW claims is the question, he spends a lot of time talking about things that have nothing to do with the question. Unless he's trying to say "I think my older son hates his brother because he doesn't like his stepmother", in which case, say that instead of talking about a one-off incident a decade ago.