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Two letters from the same column
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/11/puberty-sex-talk-kids.html
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
When is an appropriate age to teach your kids about puberty, sex, etc? I have a set of 2-year-old triplets (two girls and one boy) and no other kids. I have suggested telling them about puberty sometime soon and then teaching them about sex when they’re five or six, but my husband thinks we should wait until they’re 12 before we even tell them about puberty, because according to him that’s the age when kids start puberty. That’s not accurate at all. I started puberty when I was eight, and most people I know had FINISHED puberty by the time they were nearly 13. This is causing a huge rift between me and my husband, and I’m not sure how to fix it. What age worked for you to tell your kids about this stuff?
— When Sex Meets Confused First-Time Parents
Dear WSMCFP,
Since my son is 11, we’re deep in the throes of the puberty and sex conversations—feel free to send gift cards and flowers as I travail questions like, “What does semen look like?”
I just grabbed the first puberty book I saw off our shelves, “The ‘What’s Happening to My Body?’ Book for Boys” to double-check that puberty on average begins between the ages of 9 and 14 for boys. It’s even earlier (between 8 and 13) for girls. But it’s a good idea to get out ahead of these conversations, before discomfort and self-consciousness make it harder for kids to engage with you on these topics. Plus, if children aren’t prepared for their body’s changes before they start, those changes can be confusing or even alarming.
Rather than a single “talk,” this should occur in an ongoing series of conversations as kids grow, starting with teaching the proper names of body parts to preschool-age children, and leading into discussions about sexual orientation and gender identity. Conversation about consent and body autonomy should also be happening early and often. Planned Parenthood has a good resource guide for parents on talking to kids about bodies and puberty at various ages.
This way by the time they approach puberty, kids know they can come to you with their questions and get open, honest answers. Because kids will seek out this information no matter what, and I’d rather my son come to me for accurate information that reflects my values than get sketchy deets from the internet or his dumb friends. I try to keep these conversations neutral in tone, so my kid knows that sex isn’t inherently shameful.
I’m curious what is behind your husband’s hesitation. If it’s simple embarrassment, it’s OK to admit to kids that some topics make you feel uncomfortable, but that you will always do your best to find answers. If it’s out of fear that informing your kids about their bodies and sex while they’re young will make more likely to be sexual earlier, research shows that “when a responsible adult communicates about sexual topics with adolescents, there is evidence of delayed sexual initiation and increased birth control and condom use.”
Ultimately, this is a safety issue – most kids are most likely going to experiment with sex eventually, and you want them armed with the information they need to protect themselves physically and emotionally.
****************
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have three kids aged 13, 10, and 8. The 8-year-old has struggled mightily the last 3 years, a stubborn soul in a world that has demanded maximum adaptability. Recently he has come to view food as a comfort item, and has started asking for snacks any time he is bored or unhappy.
When this happens, we redirect him… we will ask him to help us cook dinner (see—it’s being made *right now*!), or whether it’s his feelings asking to eat versus his belly asking to eat. If it’s his feelings, well, let’s play cards or bear hug or whatnot.
The trouble comes at school. I am a 100 percent supporter of free food for all kids, and in our state since the start of Covid every school kid gets free breakfast and lunch. I never want this to end, the research is dead clear about all the benefits. My kids don’t prefer the school food, so I still pack them a boxed lunch every single day, and the kids choose what goes in their lunches from a hefty list of healthy snacks/sides plus a treat.
He gets up with plenty of time for a healthy breakfast, but when he gets to school, my adorable, stubborn hobbit child gets a second breakfast, because it’s free for everyone and no one checks account balances any longer. They sometimes give him seconds to his seconds!
When I ask him why he does this, he says it’s because he wants the free food when he sees it. His older brother narcs him out and tells us he gets cinnamon rolls, banana bread, and chocolate puff cereal. We don’t forbid any foods but try to teach moderation and choosing foods that will build you up first… every Sunday we have a big carbo-bomb breakfast to show that it’s okay once in a while.
I attempted a compromise and told my son he could pick two days a week where he has a piece of fruit or a yogurt at home, and then can indulge in the free sugar fest that the school offers, but if he has a full breakfast at home he’s not to have a second breakfast at school unless it’s just fruit. His brother told us this morning that pretty much every day, Hobbit is still having second breakfast.
I don’t want to get into a power struggle that I can’t enforce. What 8-year-old is going to say no to free junk food? Should I call the school and tell them not to feed my kid? They don’t know him from anyone else since they don’t check IDs or meal accounts. I just don’t see any other way around this.
— Please Do Not Feed the Hobbits
Dear PDNFtH,
OK, but who among us has not fallen prey to the sweet siren song of the second breakfast??
But seriously. This isn’t the most egregious kids-and-food question I’ve answered yet. I’m just so tired of the endless moralizing over what goes into our kids’ mouths, all in the service of “health.” In addition to the fact that, as I’ve pointed out before, all this emphasis on sorting foods into good and bad columns lays the groundwork for disordered eating, micromanaging your child’s diet when he’s not with you seems guaranteed to turn food into a loaded issue. This is not how you create healthy attitudes toward food and eating.
You’re on the right track in teaching your son to listen to and honor his appetite. But telling the school to cut him off on Cocoa Puffs is not in service of that goal. If he’s genuinely self-soothing with food, the more important issue is what is causing him to need to do so? Focusing on the problem will get you farther than focusing on the symptom.
Oh, and I know the “hobbit” thing is a joke and I am sure you don’t mean it to be hurtful, but it’s giving me flashbacks to the oh-so-funny-and-not-at-all-traumatic little nicknames my Dad used to give me growing up like “Hippo Hips.” So maybe lose the nickname in the service of his future therapy bills?
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
When is an appropriate age to teach your kids about puberty, sex, etc? I have a set of 2-year-old triplets (two girls and one boy) and no other kids. I have suggested telling them about puberty sometime soon and then teaching them about sex when they’re five or six, but my husband thinks we should wait until they’re 12 before we even tell them about puberty, because according to him that’s the age when kids start puberty. That’s not accurate at all. I started puberty when I was eight, and most people I know had FINISHED puberty by the time they were nearly 13. This is causing a huge rift between me and my husband, and I’m not sure how to fix it. What age worked for you to tell your kids about this stuff?
— When Sex Meets Confused First-Time Parents
Dear WSMCFP,
Since my son is 11, we’re deep in the throes of the puberty and sex conversations—feel free to send gift cards and flowers as I travail questions like, “What does semen look like?”
I just grabbed the first puberty book I saw off our shelves, “The ‘What’s Happening to My Body?’ Book for Boys” to double-check that puberty on average begins between the ages of 9 and 14 for boys. It’s even earlier (between 8 and 13) for girls. But it’s a good idea to get out ahead of these conversations, before discomfort and self-consciousness make it harder for kids to engage with you on these topics. Plus, if children aren’t prepared for their body’s changes before they start, those changes can be confusing or even alarming.
Rather than a single “talk,” this should occur in an ongoing series of conversations as kids grow, starting with teaching the proper names of body parts to preschool-age children, and leading into discussions about sexual orientation and gender identity. Conversation about consent and body autonomy should also be happening early and often. Planned Parenthood has a good resource guide for parents on talking to kids about bodies and puberty at various ages.
This way by the time they approach puberty, kids know they can come to you with their questions and get open, honest answers. Because kids will seek out this information no matter what, and I’d rather my son come to me for accurate information that reflects my values than get sketchy deets from the internet or his dumb friends. I try to keep these conversations neutral in tone, so my kid knows that sex isn’t inherently shameful.
I’m curious what is behind your husband’s hesitation. If it’s simple embarrassment, it’s OK to admit to kids that some topics make you feel uncomfortable, but that you will always do your best to find answers. If it’s out of fear that informing your kids about their bodies and sex while they’re young will make more likely to be sexual earlier, research shows that “when a responsible adult communicates about sexual topics with adolescents, there is evidence of delayed sexual initiation and increased birth control and condom use.”
Ultimately, this is a safety issue – most kids are most likely going to experiment with sex eventually, and you want them armed with the information they need to protect themselves physically and emotionally.
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have three kids aged 13, 10, and 8. The 8-year-old has struggled mightily the last 3 years, a stubborn soul in a world that has demanded maximum adaptability. Recently he has come to view food as a comfort item, and has started asking for snacks any time he is bored or unhappy.
When this happens, we redirect him… we will ask him to help us cook dinner (see—it’s being made *right now*!), or whether it’s his feelings asking to eat versus his belly asking to eat. If it’s his feelings, well, let’s play cards or bear hug or whatnot.
The trouble comes at school. I am a 100 percent supporter of free food for all kids, and in our state since the start of Covid every school kid gets free breakfast and lunch. I never want this to end, the research is dead clear about all the benefits. My kids don’t prefer the school food, so I still pack them a boxed lunch every single day, and the kids choose what goes in their lunches from a hefty list of healthy snacks/sides plus a treat.
He gets up with plenty of time for a healthy breakfast, but when he gets to school, my adorable, stubborn hobbit child gets a second breakfast, because it’s free for everyone and no one checks account balances any longer. They sometimes give him seconds to his seconds!
When I ask him why he does this, he says it’s because he wants the free food when he sees it. His older brother narcs him out and tells us he gets cinnamon rolls, banana bread, and chocolate puff cereal. We don’t forbid any foods but try to teach moderation and choosing foods that will build you up first… every Sunday we have a big carbo-bomb breakfast to show that it’s okay once in a while.
I attempted a compromise and told my son he could pick two days a week where he has a piece of fruit or a yogurt at home, and then can indulge in the free sugar fest that the school offers, but if he has a full breakfast at home he’s not to have a second breakfast at school unless it’s just fruit. His brother told us this morning that pretty much every day, Hobbit is still having second breakfast.
I don’t want to get into a power struggle that I can’t enforce. What 8-year-old is going to say no to free junk food? Should I call the school and tell them not to feed my kid? They don’t know him from anyone else since they don’t check IDs or meal accounts. I just don’t see any other way around this.
— Please Do Not Feed the Hobbits
Dear PDNFtH,
OK, but who among us has not fallen prey to the sweet siren song of the second breakfast??
But seriously. This isn’t the most egregious kids-and-food question I’ve answered yet. I’m just so tired of the endless moralizing over what goes into our kids’ mouths, all in the service of “health.” In addition to the fact that, as I’ve pointed out before, all this emphasis on sorting foods into good and bad columns lays the groundwork for disordered eating, micromanaging your child’s diet when he’s not with you seems guaranteed to turn food into a loaded issue. This is not how you create healthy attitudes toward food and eating.
You’re on the right track in teaching your son to listen to and honor his appetite. But telling the school to cut him off on Cocoa Puffs is not in service of that goal. If he’s genuinely self-soothing with food, the more important issue is what is causing him to need to do so? Focusing on the problem will get you farther than focusing on the symptom.
Oh, and I know the “hobbit” thing is a joke and I am sure you don’t mean it to be hurtful, but it’s giving me flashbacks to the oh-so-funny-and-not-at-all-traumatic little nicknames my Dad used to give me growing up like “Hippo Hips.” So maybe lose the nickname in the service of his future therapy bills?
no subject
As a person who was put on her first diet at the age of 7, I found the second letter almost impossible to read. For crying out loud, when your kid says he's hungry, don't "redirect." Give him something to eat, or better yet have a fun family time making something to eat together, without counting grams of anything.