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Two letters from the same column
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/11/puberty-sex-talk-kids.html
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
When is an appropriate age to teach your kids about puberty, sex, etc? I have a set of 2-year-old triplets (two girls and one boy) and no other kids. I have suggested telling them about puberty sometime soon and then teaching them about sex when they’re five or six, but my husband thinks we should wait until they’re 12 before we even tell them about puberty, because according to him that’s the age when kids start puberty. That’s not accurate at all. I started puberty when I was eight, and most people I know had FINISHED puberty by the time they were nearly 13. This is causing a huge rift between me and my husband, and I’m not sure how to fix it. What age worked for you to tell your kids about this stuff?
— When Sex Meets Confused First-Time Parents
Dear WSMCFP,
Since my son is 11, we’re deep in the throes of the puberty and sex conversations—feel free to send gift cards and flowers as I travail questions like, “What does semen look like?”
I just grabbed the first puberty book I saw off our shelves, “The ‘What’s Happening to My Body?’ Book for Boys” to double-check that puberty on average begins between the ages of 9 and 14 for boys. It’s even earlier (between 8 and 13) for girls. But it’s a good idea to get out ahead of these conversations, before discomfort and self-consciousness make it harder for kids to engage with you on these topics. Plus, if children aren’t prepared for their body’s changes before they start, those changes can be confusing or even alarming.
Rather than a single “talk,” this should occur in an ongoing series of conversations as kids grow, starting with teaching the proper names of body parts to preschool-age children, and leading into discussions about sexual orientation and gender identity. Conversation about consent and body autonomy should also be happening early and often. Planned Parenthood has a good resource guide for parents on talking to kids about bodies and puberty at various ages.
This way by the time they approach puberty, kids know they can come to you with their questions and get open, honest answers. Because kids will seek out this information no matter what, and I’d rather my son come to me for accurate information that reflects my values than get sketchy deets from the internet or his dumb friends. I try to keep these conversations neutral in tone, so my kid knows that sex isn’t inherently shameful.
I’m curious what is behind your husband’s hesitation. If it’s simple embarrassment, it’s OK to admit to kids that some topics make you feel uncomfortable, but that you will always do your best to find answers. If it’s out of fear that informing your kids about their bodies and sex while they’re young will make more likely to be sexual earlier, research shows that “when a responsible adult communicates about sexual topics with adolescents, there is evidence of delayed sexual initiation and increased birth control and condom use.”
Ultimately, this is a safety issue – most kids are most likely going to experiment with sex eventually, and you want them armed with the information they need to protect themselves physically and emotionally.
****************
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have three kids aged 13, 10, and 8. The 8-year-old has struggled mightily the last 3 years, a stubborn soul in a world that has demanded maximum adaptability. Recently he has come to view food as a comfort item, and has started asking for snacks any time he is bored or unhappy.
When this happens, we redirect him… we will ask him to help us cook dinner (see—it’s being made *right now*!), or whether it’s his feelings asking to eat versus his belly asking to eat. If it’s his feelings, well, let’s play cards or bear hug or whatnot.
The trouble comes at school. I am a 100 percent supporter of free food for all kids, and in our state since the start of Covid every school kid gets free breakfast and lunch. I never want this to end, the research is dead clear about all the benefits. My kids don’t prefer the school food, so I still pack them a boxed lunch every single day, and the kids choose what goes in their lunches from a hefty list of healthy snacks/sides plus a treat.
He gets up with plenty of time for a healthy breakfast, but when he gets to school, my adorable, stubborn hobbit child gets a second breakfast, because it’s free for everyone and no one checks account balances any longer. They sometimes give him seconds to his seconds!
When I ask him why he does this, he says it’s because he wants the free food when he sees it. His older brother narcs him out and tells us he gets cinnamon rolls, banana bread, and chocolate puff cereal. We don’t forbid any foods but try to teach moderation and choosing foods that will build you up first… every Sunday we have a big carbo-bomb breakfast to show that it’s okay once in a while.
I attempted a compromise and told my son he could pick two days a week where he has a piece of fruit or a yogurt at home, and then can indulge in the free sugar fest that the school offers, but if he has a full breakfast at home he’s not to have a second breakfast at school unless it’s just fruit. His brother told us this morning that pretty much every day, Hobbit is still having second breakfast.
I don’t want to get into a power struggle that I can’t enforce. What 8-year-old is going to say no to free junk food? Should I call the school and tell them not to feed my kid? They don’t know him from anyone else since they don’t check IDs or meal accounts. I just don’t see any other way around this.
— Please Do Not Feed the Hobbits
Dear PDNFtH,
OK, but who among us has not fallen prey to the sweet siren song of the second breakfast??
But seriously. This isn’t the most egregious kids-and-food question I’ve answered yet. I’m just so tired of the endless moralizing over what goes into our kids’ mouths, all in the service of “health.” In addition to the fact that, as I’ve pointed out before, all this emphasis on sorting foods into good and bad columns lays the groundwork for disordered eating, micromanaging your child’s diet when he’s not with you seems guaranteed to turn food into a loaded issue. This is not how you create healthy attitudes toward food and eating.
You’re on the right track in teaching your son to listen to and honor his appetite. But telling the school to cut him off on Cocoa Puffs is not in service of that goal. If he’s genuinely self-soothing with food, the more important issue is what is causing him to need to do so? Focusing on the problem will get you farther than focusing on the symptom.
Oh, and I know the “hobbit” thing is a joke and I am sure you don’t mean it to be hurtful, but it’s giving me flashbacks to the oh-so-funny-and-not-at-all-traumatic little nicknames my Dad used to give me growing up like “Hippo Hips.” So maybe lose the nickname in the service of his future therapy bills?
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
When is an appropriate age to teach your kids about puberty, sex, etc? I have a set of 2-year-old triplets (two girls and one boy) and no other kids. I have suggested telling them about puberty sometime soon and then teaching them about sex when they’re five or six, but my husband thinks we should wait until they’re 12 before we even tell them about puberty, because according to him that’s the age when kids start puberty. That’s not accurate at all. I started puberty when I was eight, and most people I know had FINISHED puberty by the time they were nearly 13. This is causing a huge rift between me and my husband, and I’m not sure how to fix it. What age worked for you to tell your kids about this stuff?
— When Sex Meets Confused First-Time Parents
Dear WSMCFP,
Since my son is 11, we’re deep in the throes of the puberty and sex conversations—feel free to send gift cards and flowers as I travail questions like, “What does semen look like?”
I just grabbed the first puberty book I saw off our shelves, “The ‘What’s Happening to My Body?’ Book for Boys” to double-check that puberty on average begins between the ages of 9 and 14 for boys. It’s even earlier (between 8 and 13) for girls. But it’s a good idea to get out ahead of these conversations, before discomfort and self-consciousness make it harder for kids to engage with you on these topics. Plus, if children aren’t prepared for their body’s changes before they start, those changes can be confusing or even alarming.
Rather than a single “talk,” this should occur in an ongoing series of conversations as kids grow, starting with teaching the proper names of body parts to preschool-age children, and leading into discussions about sexual orientation and gender identity. Conversation about consent and body autonomy should also be happening early and often. Planned Parenthood has a good resource guide for parents on talking to kids about bodies and puberty at various ages.
This way by the time they approach puberty, kids know they can come to you with their questions and get open, honest answers. Because kids will seek out this information no matter what, and I’d rather my son come to me for accurate information that reflects my values than get sketchy deets from the internet or his dumb friends. I try to keep these conversations neutral in tone, so my kid knows that sex isn’t inherently shameful.
I’m curious what is behind your husband’s hesitation. If it’s simple embarrassment, it’s OK to admit to kids that some topics make you feel uncomfortable, but that you will always do your best to find answers. If it’s out of fear that informing your kids about their bodies and sex while they’re young will make more likely to be sexual earlier, research shows that “when a responsible adult communicates about sexual topics with adolescents, there is evidence of delayed sexual initiation and increased birth control and condom use.”
Ultimately, this is a safety issue – most kids are most likely going to experiment with sex eventually, and you want them armed with the information they need to protect themselves physically and emotionally.
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have three kids aged 13, 10, and 8. The 8-year-old has struggled mightily the last 3 years, a stubborn soul in a world that has demanded maximum adaptability. Recently he has come to view food as a comfort item, and has started asking for snacks any time he is bored or unhappy.
When this happens, we redirect him… we will ask him to help us cook dinner (see—it’s being made *right now*!), or whether it’s his feelings asking to eat versus his belly asking to eat. If it’s his feelings, well, let’s play cards or bear hug or whatnot.
The trouble comes at school. I am a 100 percent supporter of free food for all kids, and in our state since the start of Covid every school kid gets free breakfast and lunch. I never want this to end, the research is dead clear about all the benefits. My kids don’t prefer the school food, so I still pack them a boxed lunch every single day, and the kids choose what goes in their lunches from a hefty list of healthy snacks/sides plus a treat.
He gets up with plenty of time for a healthy breakfast, but when he gets to school, my adorable, stubborn hobbit child gets a second breakfast, because it’s free for everyone and no one checks account balances any longer. They sometimes give him seconds to his seconds!
When I ask him why he does this, he says it’s because he wants the free food when he sees it. His older brother narcs him out and tells us he gets cinnamon rolls, banana bread, and chocolate puff cereal. We don’t forbid any foods but try to teach moderation and choosing foods that will build you up first… every Sunday we have a big carbo-bomb breakfast to show that it’s okay once in a while.
I attempted a compromise and told my son he could pick two days a week where he has a piece of fruit or a yogurt at home, and then can indulge in the free sugar fest that the school offers, but if he has a full breakfast at home he’s not to have a second breakfast at school unless it’s just fruit. His brother told us this morning that pretty much every day, Hobbit is still having second breakfast.
I don’t want to get into a power struggle that I can’t enforce. What 8-year-old is going to say no to free junk food? Should I call the school and tell them not to feed my kid? They don’t know him from anyone else since they don’t check IDs or meal accounts. I just don’t see any other way around this.
— Please Do Not Feed the Hobbits
Dear PDNFtH,
OK, but who among us has not fallen prey to the sweet siren song of the second breakfast??
But seriously. This isn’t the most egregious kids-and-food question I’ve answered yet. I’m just so tired of the endless moralizing over what goes into our kids’ mouths, all in the service of “health.” In addition to the fact that, as I’ve pointed out before, all this emphasis on sorting foods into good and bad columns lays the groundwork for disordered eating, micromanaging your child’s diet when he’s not with you seems guaranteed to turn food into a loaded issue. This is not how you create healthy attitudes toward food and eating.
You’re on the right track in teaching your son to listen to and honor his appetite. But telling the school to cut him off on Cocoa Puffs is not in service of that goal. If he’s genuinely self-soothing with food, the more important issue is what is causing him to need to do so? Focusing on the problem will get you farther than focusing on the symptom.
Oh, and I know the “hobbit” thing is a joke and I am sure you don’t mean it to be hurtful, but it’s giving me flashbacks to the oh-so-funny-and-not-at-all-traumatic little nicknames my Dad used to give me growing up like “Hippo Hips.” So maybe lose the nickname in the service of his future therapy bills?
no subject
Waiting until 12 to tell your kids is child abuse, seriously.
2. It really does seem to me that they *could* stop this behavior just by dropping the kids off at school a little later. But I wouldn't suggest that because...
a. they seem to have just arbitrarily decided this kid is comfort eating rather than hungry. He's 8. He's heading for a growth spurt. They're all heading towards a growth spurt, always.
b. as the columnist notes, if the kid *is* comfort eating, then they need to stop focusing on the symptom and start treating the disease.
c. given that this behavior does not really harm this kid or anybody else, they should not under any circumstances be encouraging his brother to snitch on him. THIS is the sort of situation where siblings are supposed to show solidarity to one another.
d. people can be so weird about food, I kinda want to know what "a healthy breakfast" entails in LW's mind.
no subject
The other thing I am wondering about, although it seems a much less likely explanation, is whether there could be some physiological problem. If the LW had mentioned the kid being suddenly very thirsty as well as hungry, I would definitely say to rule out diabetes, for instance.
no subject
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there are a lot of developmental stages between 2 and 12! My god, LW1 and husband, learn moderation!
(Yes, obviously, 12 is appalling. And the actual right answer is, as C&F says, that this is not a single talk at a specific age. Get the right picture books -- we stan Robie Harris -- and add them to the collection and the kid will just absorb a lot of the facts with their books about trains and red eyed tree frogs -- we stan Nic Bishop -- and dinosaurs. Even in the 70's this was easy! But also "I want to teach my toddlers about puberty and my five year olds about sex" is a little over-enthusiastic in its directness. Teach your kids about bodies, and their myriad weirdnesses, in age appropriate ways, in a fashion that doesn't make a big deal about it. Make sure they learn about puberty in a more direct, big deal fashion, by the time they're six or seven, especially if one of the parents had early puberty. But they're two. Buy them some picture books and talk about body parts, hopefully in a trans-inclusive way, and point out the differences between baby and parents, all of which the kids will want to talk about with or without your help.)
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Lol no but that's fabulous, I'd never seen it before. It's a reference to this Spanish Rap from a Community post credits scene, and I suppose both videos are making a variant of the same joke.
no subject
Kudos to C&F for pointing out that "hobbit" sounds cute to the parents but not to the kid. Also, LW2, maybe consider not rewarding your other kid for being a narc (your word!). We've talked in this comm before about the difference between tattling and reporting, and why we should stop accusing kids of being tattletales, but LW2, you're training your older kid that he has blackmail power over the younger for harmless behavior, and that is some serious bullshit.
LW2, older brother should be taught that if he sees his brother coming to harm or harming another (bullying, being bullied, etc.) he should report. But narcing on victimless misdemeanors is cop behavior, and ACAB, LW2. ACAB.
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Edumacate yourself, you idiot.
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they REALLY need to tell their kid about periods by age 7 at the very latest...
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If I could have reached through the page to slap some sense into this dude, I would have.
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Children need to have information so that
a) they have the language to get help if an adult or another child touches them inappropriately;
b) they don't get pregnant when their body is so undeveloped that pregnancy is a serious medical emergency
no subject
"Naive is when you tell him that you're willing to do everything but that final act reserved for marriage -- because you don't want to be stupid and become pregnant out of wedlock. [...] He tells you how much more there is to do over and over as he rogers you senseless. I know what it means to be naive. It's believing a man when he says this isn't how a pregnancy occurs. Because you trust him, and nobody has ever told you what to expect."
no subject
The advice for LW #2 is a balm on my scars.
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As a person who was put on her first diet at the age of 7, I found the second letter almost impossible to read. For crying out loud, when your kid says he's hungry, don't "redirect." Give him something to eat, or better yet have a fun family time making something to eat together, without counting grams of anything.
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Start with bodies and boundaries, work up to things like genital areas and nudity as their interaction with other people increases, get to biological reproduction by at least middle school.
But yeah, sounds like husband is of the "if you talk about sex with them then they'll get sexual early" school of thought.
Letter 2: Something that I haven't seen LW, C&F, or anyone in the comments talking about is teaching the kid to recognise the feeling of fullness, not just eating the food because it's there in front of them. If the kid learns to stop eating when they're full, then it will matter less how many breakfasts they're getting fed; eat until the fullness (or a bit before) and then stop. But, yeah, sounds like the 'one meal should be enough' system isn't working for the kid.
Mind you, I've struggled with this through the years - free food! But more important than setting restrictions on the kid's food is helping him listen to his body and the signals its sending off.
no subject
Oh this is a very good point.
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My experience fits with your observations. After years of being told I wasn't hungry when I was, when I went to college I deliberately set out to find out what my satiety points were, because I had to. I didn't instinctively know anymore.
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Also, puberty is a really long process, and menarche or the equivalent (not actually sure which step that's considered to be - semen production?) is somewhere in the middle, and occasionally even closer to the beginning of the process. People frequently don't actually completely finish all of the minor changes (like increased body hair) until their twenties.
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