Dear Prudence: My Boyfriend’s “Beliefs” Are Putting Me in Danger.

[minoanmiss]

Worried I Kissed Another Frog: I’ve been dating a man since December 2021 who is absolutely wonderful and we are even talking about marriage…except we don’t see eye to eye on politics which was made even more apparent with the recent SCOTUS rulings. We resolved to have a “We will support each other but have different viewpoints” rule.

After a week I hesitantly asked the question: Are you COVID vaccinated? Almost scared of the answer because I knew what it would be… No. It is entirely my fault for not having this conversation earlier in the relationship because I have Lupus and taking several immunosuppressive medications.

With the newest COVID variant being so contagious I am very worried he will end up catching it and with us now spending so much time together, I will too. When I asked if he would do it for me he said, short answer “No,” long answer (insert long list of political ideology here).

How do I explain how important this is to my health? I have five kids all under 18 from my previous marriage, and I worry about leaving too soon already with my health. Should I just throw away a relationship that finally makes me happy because of political differences?

A: Ughhh. I absolutely hate it when views about things that are very real and very serious aspects of life (Racism! Homophobia! Staying alive!) are minimized and dismissed as “political differences” just because people on one side of the political spectrum have decided to be dumb or hateful about them. Seriously, this is a huge pet peeve of mine. You don’t have a political difference, (I mean, you probably do! And, as I’ve argued before, it probably represents a difference in your entire worldview, your relationship to facts, and your compassion for others but that’s another column…) you have a difference in the extent to which you value your ability to avoid having COVID on top of Lupus and suffering whatever consequences that brings. You value it a lot. He values it not a lot. You don’t “explain” that to him, you take the information he is sharing with you about how little he gives a damn, and you decide whether this is the person you want to marry.

P.S. The “We will support each other but have different viewpoints” rule leads to a LOT of women writing me letters about how they’re horrified and disgusted by their husbands so if you move forward, don’t be surprised if you end up there.

Comments

[kiezh]

He has not agreed to support you! He has agreed that YOU WILL SUPPORT HIM and erase every speck of self-preservation in your soul rather than inconvenience him!

Gah this scenario makes me so mad. How is he supporting her if he won't get vaccinated for an illness that she is at high risk from? What fucking support?!

LW: your boyfriend is a terrible fucking person and I'm not so sure about you, either, if you think his politics are just an abstract difference of opinion that has no impact on real life. You think you can be "happy" with this guy when he doesn't value your life? How many other people's lives are you willing to ignore him throwing under the bus? Run away. And develop some standards, PLEASE.

[lannamichaels]

Can we just call these actions and not beliefs? That he believes the thing isn't necessarily the issue. It's what he does because of it. And what he's doing is ENDANGERING HER LIFE. Which is a pretty big action.

[melannen]

Right??

I think it *is* possible to love people across even major differences in belief (I have to think this, because reaching back with love to someone who's reaching out with love is the only way to bring people back across those gulfs, sometimes, and leaving a third of the population isolated there is not a solution to anything).

But they do still have to love you back, even if they're still working on caring about other people. I know reasonable people who are married to antivaxxers, but they're antivaxxers who say "I don't agree with it for (long list of bad reasons) but I'll do it because it will make the people I love less worried". This dude can't even get that far.

[green_grrl]

This. This. This. I mean, I’m guessing his beliefs/actions extend to not masking as well, and you in danger gurl. Covid has a REALLY nasty tendency to flare up autoimmune disorders like lupus. Frankly, it’s a miracle she hasn’t already been infected by this jackass, and 10 months in is a perfectly reasonable time to cut ties.

[conuly]

He's not absolutely wonderful. Anybody who doesn't mask even when it's a straight-up health risk isn't wonderful in any sense, and that goes moreso if he's the one who agrees with some of those SCOTUS rulings.

[azurelunatic]

He is not there for you and not willing to be there. Break up immediately.

[oursin]

That is a REALLY BIZARRE definition of 'political differences', especially if 'we don’t see eye to eye on politics which was made even more apparent with the recent SCOTUS rulings' means he also has some really problematic views around abortion!

What this actually means, is that certain political issues have brought his underlying values to the surface and made them absolutely clear, and, madame, you should get the hell out of Dodge the day before yesterday.

[lethe1]

He doesn't support you if he doesn't value your life.

[lilysea]

LW, for comparison: I'm high risk for COVID

and my partner not only got his first two doses of COVID vaccine as soon as it was made available to him

but in addition to that, when I told him he could get early access to a COVID booster by signing up to a clinical trial, he signed up to a clinical trial. Even tho it meant multiple blood draws on mutiple appointments and he has a phobia of needles.

Caring about someone means *not wanting the person who you care about to get seriously sick*

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, sounds like if he was dating someone with a peanut allergy he'd insist on eating peanut butter all the time.

[minoanmiss]

Back when it mattered I decided that no foolish consistency would get me to sleep with anyone anti-choice (a man for obvious reasons, a woman because I didn't think we could possibly connect properly over such a vast gap) and I have never seen reason to revise that decision and so much reason to include it in my Solicited Advice Package to other people who can get pregnant.

When people talk about interracial or interfaith relationships being impossible because "you're from two different worlds" they are full of shit, but I think that objection actually does apply in the case of bedrock political difference. At least, as a US citizen who's watched the last 6 years (and some decades before that) unfold I find myself increasingly thinking I live in a different mental model of the world than current conservatives do. LW has put herself in her boyfriend's model of the world, where her life is worthless because she's ill and where her body should be controlled by laws and not her own will. I wouldn't recommend she sacrifice herself there.

[finch]

'My boyfriend is wonderful except for the part where he doesn't care if I die' sure is a take.

[lokifan]

YEP

[ashbet]

I broke up with someone in 2020 because, in part, “I need you to care about people like me.”

(I’m immunocompromised, I wasn’t being put directly at risk because we were separated by distance and not traveling at the time, but my partner was involved in hosting large-group indoor social activities, and I had a serious problem with the ethics of putting not just attendees, but everyone they encountered, at risk.)

The LW should do the same.