Dear Abby: Bedtime routine is causing family friction

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: After the birth of our son, "Ricky," my husband insisted he sleep in our bed with us. When our son was 3, I finally put my foot down because none of us were sleeping peacefully. Ricky is now 8, and my husband lies in his bed with him until he falls asleep.

Our daughter, "Julie," was born 2 1/2 years ago. She slept in our bed until she was 1, when I moved her to her own bed. She goes down well on her own, but seems to be more clingy (with me especially) during the day. I try to make sure she gets the affection she needs before bedtime, but I feel guilty that she doesn't get that closeness at night.

By the end of the day I'm exhausted, and I do not want to fall asleep in a kid's bed. Am I wrong for wanting bedtime without kids? At what age should children sleep on their own? -- SLEEPY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SLEEPY: You're not wrong. Some parents co-sleep with their children for the first few months after they are born because they enjoy the closeness. After that, they transition the baby to sleeping in a crib nearby so the child's needs can be attended to as necessary.

According to Los Angeles pediatrician Faisal Chawla, M.D., children form their sleep habits early: "The longer co-sleeping continues, the more difficult sleeping separately becomes. At 7 or 8 months, babies begin to develop age-appropriate separation anxiety. By the age of 1, a routine is usually set in a child's mind. By age 2, it becomes very difficult to change the sleeping routine because of the 'terrible 2s' temperament that begins."

Your husband has done Ricky no favors by continuing to lie beside him until he falls asleep. Your son should have started sleeping alone years ago. A boy his age should be able to go to sleepovers at friends' houses or away to summer camp without having to worry about sleeping because his dad isn't there.

Comments

[cereta]

Okay, confession time: I often let my daughter fall asleep in "the big bed" after we do our nightly family reading time there, and she's 9. We move her to her bed for the rest of the night, of course. There are a host of things involved there, from her wanting a little extra parent-time to her being a little afraid of being upstairs alone at night (which we're working on, but which I kind of can't blame her too much for; our house is 100 years old and a little creepy when you're alone, and she's my kid, which means overactive imagination). But she *can* fall asleep on her own, and often does so, and I figure she's not going to want snuggles at 15, so I'm not really worried about it.

My question re: the letter would be, whose wants/needs are being served by dad snuggling the kid to sleep? I wouldn't necessarily be alarmed that a kid, even at eight, enjoyed a little extra parental attention as long as he *can* go to sleep alone. But if it's dad whose seeking some kind of security, that's something that needs to be addressed. Either way, they should probably gradually reduce the number of nights he stays with the son, until it's maybe a special weekly "treat." Age will take care of the rest *if* the father lets it.

[sathari]

My question re: the letter would be, whose wants/needs are being served by dad snuggling the kid to sleep?

This. Just, this. It's one thing and a different set of questions and issues entirely if the kid is the one initiating the sleepovers. It's another when it's a parent's idea.

[jadelennox]

And I'm not super keen on the dad *insisting* there be a child in the bed for three years (I'd be equally bothered if it were a mom). Parents don't get a lot of alone time, and if both parents want to co-sleep, that's one thing. But if only one parent does, that's not sustainable for three years. Cosleeping has to be a mutual decision.

[shreena]

Yeah. Sometimes, I wonder if it's about distancing their partner as well.

[shirou]

My wife and I have always made our children sleep in their own beds/cribs. I have, on a few occasions, acquiesced when my son asked me to lie next to him while he fell asleep. It helped him at the time, but it also led him to ask for the same more frequently, and eventually I turned him down and dealt with the fallout. I don't think it's inappropriate to lie down next to a child when the child is feeling anxious or scared, but you have to find the right balance so that the child eventually learns to go to sleep without feeling anxious. The LW and her husband clearly have not found that balance.