agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Prudence,

I’ve always been sensitive to the spirits of the dead. My mom told me that when I was little I used to “play” with my deceased grandfather, I often know things that I have no other way of knowing, and generally, I can just sense a presence sometimes. Except for a few terrible childhood field trips to battlefields, I’ve always found it comforting—most spirits are gentle and not all that interested in people they didn’t know in life, and I enjoy the fact that even when I’m alone, I’m not really alone.

A few months ago my dad passed away (my mom passed years ago). I inherited my parent’s house, and my husband and I decided to move in and grow our family to fill the space. The thing is, my parents won’t leave me alone! Recently, my husband and I were in our bedroom working on “growing our family” and I sensed my dad, which ruined the mood. My mom definitely disapproves of the fact that I tore down her dining room wallpaper. And they both showed up in the middle of a petty argument we had, and took sides! I did not sign up for moving back in with my parents.

I know from experience that the dead don’t take orders from the living, and I really like the idea of my children growing up in a house infused with their grandparents’ spirits, so I need to get over this. How can I get used to having my parents hovering over my shoulder all the time?

—Never Alone

Dear Never Alone,

Far be it from me to suggest that your parents’ spirits aren’t hanging around. I will take your word for it, and go with what people who sincerely believe in this kind of paranormal activity would suggest: Say, “By the power of all my good karma, direct connection to Source, agape love, and selfless acts, I ask the universe to please remove all negative entities from this house. You are not welcome here, so please go back to where you came from.” Since you know these people, you can preface that with “Sorry mom and dad, but…”

https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/spirits-haunting-dear-prudence-advice.html

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I love this letter and the answer. What a problem to have, what a time to be alive (or dead).

Once again, an advice columnist doesn't read the letter. LW clearly wants her parents in her life, and Prudence is advising she banish them, and presumably, if that doesn't work, that she does what all the other people with problematic parents do and move without leaving them a forwarding address.

I don't actually believe LW shares her home with her deceased parents, but she clearly does, so I might have suggested something a bit more... low-key, like putting a line of salt around the bedroom and other "sensitive areas", or enlisting an open-minded therapist and medium to help her out. Because whether she legitimately has a conflict with her parents or this is all just psychology, a therapist could probably help her change the wallpaper.

Yeah, exactly.

I feel like Prudence is making fun of the LW *and* not answering their actual question.

(And I say this as a thorough skeptic about this kind of “ghosts.”)

I don't know if Pru's making fun of the LW exactly; "My ghostly parents were hanging around the house, acting exactly as they did in life, so I exorcized all the negative energy and they disappeared" seems more like making fun of yourself in a wish-fullfilment way! Still not a great answer to the LW though.

Maybe it’s because I’m Pagan — the New Agey mishmash of “good karma, direct connection to Source, agape love, and selfless acts” feels a bit gross and appropriative (not going to go so far as to call it cultural/religious appropriation, but that’s terms from three different belief systems + “selfless acts”), thrown together to sound like a spell/banishment ritual.

It feels like mockery of the LW, *especially* since they explicitly stated that their goal was to achieve peace with the presence of their parents’ spirits around them and their children, not to have a made-up exorcism.

I feel like therapy, with a professional who is open to alternative spiritual practices and beliefs, would be a better solution.

Salt and crystals may be comforting in terms of setting visible barriers in private space, but what the LW needs most is the ability to draw boundaries around their privacy and comfort while going about ordinary life in their home and inside their mind.

I mean, to me it sounded pretty much like what a sincere-but-no-specific-path New Age person would say? Pulling together things from a bunch of different systems in a mishmashy way is kind of how that works. I kind of assumed Pru had gone to a friend who has those beliefs for that part because it mostly just sounded authentic, to me.

But I agree with you on how it was a greatly inappropriate answer to the actual question, I think Pru got too excited about being clever about parents as evil spirits to actually read the letter or listen to LW, and that came off as callous as best even if it wasn't meant as mockery.

Yeah, regardless of whether you believe she's in communion with spirits or not, she clearly has some lingering issues with her parents to work out. I don't know how to recommend a therapist, but professional psychics and mediums are usually pretty good practical headologists anyway. She needs to learn how to not take orders from her parents anymore! (Which is something even more mundanely haunted people often need to deal with after parents pass.)

"I am living in my parents' old house, and would love for them to visit often and have a good relationship with my children. How can I convince them to respect boundaries and stay out of my bedroom?" is absolutely classic advice columnist material.

The salt seems like it would be a good way to reinforce scripts like, "Mom, we'd love to have you over on Sunday, but we need some private time now."

Whether she legitimately has a conflict with her parents or whether this is all just psychology.

Some conflicts are not over until both combatants are dead.

Yeah, if I was answering this question I'd probably have said a) get your CO2 checked out, because you should always rule out mundane causes for weird phenomena first, and then b) basically the same advice I'd give if the parents were alive. Have a chat with them. "Mum, Dad, I love you and I'm glad to have you in my home, but we need to talk about boundaries."
I don't believe in ghosts, but LW does, so I'd answer the question from her perspective; and her perspective seems to be that the ghosts are real and mostly welcome, but she needs them to give her more space. This is basically a question about her relationship with her parents. Whether you believe they're actually present or only present in her mind, just having a talk with them and setting a few boundaries seems like it might work either way!

I would sell the house, after having it checked for carbon monoxide leaks.

If I thought my mom was hanging around watching me and my husband have sex, I'd sell too!

But if I thought she was hanging around watching Jeopardy with me every night - which I should start doing if I want her to hang around in ghost form, I guess - I'd never sell. NEVER.

That makes sense. :)

My mom will be making the TV unaccountably loud.

Any dwelling that uses burned fuel of any sort is supposed to have a CO detector. Apart from the ghost experiences, if LW doesn't have one they should get one.

If this has been going on her whole life, it's probably not CO? But of course everyone should have a CO monitor anyway, especially with kids. (I also suddenly wondered if feelings of ghosts being present could manifest due to blood sugar problems, and discovered that "blood sugar" is an SEO term on some very odd websites.)

Check the CO first and then consider looking into the many belief systems in the world that practice ancestor worship/veneration of the spirits of the dead. There are a bunch of them out there and I bet LW is not the first person ever to have this kind of problem.

My first thought (as a pagan who has similar practices around my own dead family members) is that LW should build their folks a little shrine in the house where the LW can regularly spend time with them. Light a candle for them once a week and say hi, share a drink you both like. If they've got their own spot and they're respected, maybe they won't feel so inclined to get weird about the wallpaper.

That does sound like good advice. If they're literally there, they might be happy with their own space and regular visits. If they're not, LW might be happy mentally designating them to a time and a place in her life.

This is fantastic advice. And now I am wondering if there is any such thing as a paranormal advice column, where people can write in for help with these kinds of paranormal/supernatural/spiritual/mystical problems and get advice from people like you who have relevant practices.

Like, yeah, I know it's hard to take a letter of this nature seriously, but fkin' answer the question that was *asked*.

(And it's not hard, even if you can't give the premise credence; you address the "I miss these people and yet I don't, but also I do..." that exists in the letter, just, in a different way than usual.)