Dear Prudence: Medical Residency & Relationship

[minoanmiss]

Q. Roiled in residency: My boyfriend is about six months into his first year of a medical residency program. He works 80-hour weeks and is constantly emotionally abused by his supervisors. This is par for the course in his specific program and, though he would like to make changes when he becomes a supervisor, he has little to no power to effect change now. The problem is this: He cannot, or will not, engage in any deep conversations when we spend time together. He’s so tired and emotionally fried that all we discuss is his day, some events in the news, and updates on our respective families. So many of the conversations I want to have are “off-limits”: hopes/fears/dreams/worries about our future together, trips I’d like to plan after COVID, anything that could remotely cause conflict.

I’m sick of having to manage his emotions and walk on eggshells. He has 10 days of vacation time for the whole year and can’t really use it because he’ll get in trouble with his team. He has a day off once every week or so, and he spends it catching up on sleep and playing video games to “unwind.” Even when he was in med school, he still made me and our relationship a priority. I feel like I don’t know this man anymore. I suggested counseling but the same issue comes up—he doesn’t have the bandwidth to discuss anything beyond our immediate day-to-day life. I’m at my wits’ end. What should I do?

A: It feels a little lazy to say this, but if you’re at your wits’ end, if he’s not willing to go to counseling with you, and nothing’s changed despite repeated attempts on your part, I think you should probably break up with him. Yes, even if you used to have a better relationship in med school, even if you think he’s a generally good person, even if you understand why he’s so fried all the time. It’s reasonable to believe this dynamic is going to continue for years, it’s reasonable to decide you don’t want to be in a relationship where such a dynamic is present, and it’s reasonable to walk away even if you know he’s not personally responsible for the overwork and mistreatment of medical residents generally. This relationship isn’t working for you, and this relationship isn’t changing; I think what you were hoping for is that I could offer a suggestion that would finally convince your boyfriend to take your frustrations seriously and do what you’ve been asking him to do. I don’t have such a suggestion! I just think you should leave wits’ end, even if it means you can’t take your boyfriend with you.

Comments

[castiron]

The residency has an end date, but is the end date in six months or 4.5 years? If it were six months, I'd say wait it out and see if he's willing to seek counselling after things have let up. But if BF is going to be doing these physically and emotionally exhausting 80-hour weeks for several years and doesn't recognize that it's ruining his relationship, yep, go.