agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When my son locked his daughter out of the house after she became pregnant before she was 17, it broke my heart. My husband and I tried to come to the defense of our granddaughter, but her dad would have none of it. The things he said to us about her were horrible, and if he said the same things to her, I can’t even imagine how crushed she felt.

Long story short, we took our granddaughter in, and have given a home to her and our great-grandson for five years. We are so proud of our granddaughter and all she’s accomplished since her father turned his back on her. She first got her GED and then an associates and now works as a medical assistant while she works towards her nursing degree.

She has always been a good kid, and just because she made one stupid mistake when she was still in high school, her father has turned against her. No matter what we do to try and help them reconcile, he turns our efforts away, saying he’ll have nothing ever to do with his daughter and her “brat.”

Is it worth our continuing trying to make peace between them, or do we just let it go and hope and pray for the best? --- TO TRY OR NOT TO TRY

DEAR TO TRY OR NOT TO TRY: Perhaps it would be best to take a break from what’s a frustrating and unproductive effort and just enjoy being in the lives of your granddaughter and great-grandson.

If your son is inclined to be the sort of person who responds to attempts at persuasion by shutting down or becoming more committed to his point of view, there’s little to be accomplished by pushing what to him continues to be a painful subject; and his bitterness and anger are not going to help anyone.

As hard as it is on those he’s banished from his life, sadly he’s the one missing out on irreplaceable lifetime experiences.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2022/09/02

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There are very few things I can say I'd definitely, positively, whole-heartedly cut my child out of my life for, but this is it:

If my son acted as disgracefully as LW's son, cutting his kid out of his life for a teenage pregnancy - and kicking her out, no less, as a minor! - then that's that. He'd be cut out of my life, and also my will.

I sure wouldn't be trying to "mend fences" with an obvious bad egg.

Yep. Yep yep yep.

Your first line is exactly what I was about to post.

Agreed.

Thankfully, my daughter grew up to be an amazing person, unlike the LW’s abusive, awful, shrivel-hearted son.

I’m glad that poor girl had family to take her in.

(I had my daughter at 16, and my parents spent the next decade or so punishing me for it.)

I’m glad that poor girl had family to take her in.

Yes, but it's too bad that she can't fully trust them until they pick a damn side already. Hint: They're supposed to be on HER side! She's the vulnerable person here.

If the granddaughter were his only child, I'd absolutely be rewriting my will so that the half of my estate that would've gone to him will go to her instead. (And even if he had other kids, I'd look into how I could bypass him for them.)

Why do I feel like LW is one of those "family is family" types?

Or possibly she thinks that cutting off her son would be doing the same thing to him that he did to his daughter.

Except...it's not. Granddaughter had premarital sex, hopefully consensually and knowing what she was doing but quite possibly not, and if birth control was used, it failed. Son kicked his child out of her home at a time when she most needed parental help, putting his unborn grandchild at risk as well. The two are not remotely equivalent misdeeds, and any religion that says the granddaughter was the greater sinner is not a religion I'm willing to practice.

Don't try. Simple. You cannot ever trust him.

Has LW asked her granddaughter whether she wants to be reconciled with her father, I wonder? I would also be interested to know where granddaughter's mother is in all this.

My questions as well.

I third these questions.