Getting my coworkers to stop calling me by a nickname

[purlewe]

I am transgender, and I semi-recently changed my name to one I love — it’s old-fashioned and stately. For the purposes of anonymity, I’ll say Josiah. Before I legally changed my name, I went by a more gender-neutral nickname (let’s say Jo) among friends.


I have introduced myself as Josiah to every single employee at my organization. My name on my email and Zoom is Josiah. Unfortunately, I knew a few of my coworkers before I started working here, and they knew me as Jo, and somehow the nickname has caught on among all 100+ people who work here. I briefly correct people (“actually, I prefer Josiah in a professional context”) on an individual basis, but nobody seems to remember the correction even five minutes after we have the conversation. It feels weird to have my coworkers call me by the same affectionate nickname that my partner uses, but it would feel weirder to send out a mass email to correct people for calling me by something that is, technically, my name!

 

Is it reasonable that being called by my more gender-neutral nickname instead of my more obviously masculine full name raises my hackles, or am I being over-sensitive to nonexistent transphobia? Should I keep correcting people briefly and individually and assuming they won’t remember? Do I just have to deal with this?

 

Answer:
You shouldn’t have to deal with this; you should be called the name you’ve asked to be called. It sounds like the problem might be the people who knew you as Jo before you started; if other people hear them calling you Jo, they’ll assume it’s a nickname you use. (I realize this doesn’t explain the people you’ve corrected who don’t seem to be able to retain the correction, but it’s got to be playing a role.) Can you talk to the people you knew before you started, explain the situation, and ask them to be more mindful that you do not use Jo anymore?

 

I wouldn’t say “I prefer Josiah in a professional context” since that’s probably inadvertently reinforcing that you do use Jo in other contexts … which is likely muddying things. Stick with a clear, firm “Josiah, not Jo, please” or “It’s Josiah” every time someone messes up and it’s likely that people will get it in time.

 

Comments

[torachan]

Yeah. A lot of people do get called by a nickname or shortened form of their name when they don't want to, but the fact that the nickname the LW is getting called is gender-neutral does make me wonder if transphobia is contributing to it. He doesn't say anything about how he looks, and if he is anything other than 100% cis passing then transphobia is definitely a huge factor in this. Even if he does pass, if his coworkers know that he's trans, then again, there is definitely transphobia at play here. Maybe not from everyone, but from a lot of people, including the people who knew him before and refuse to change what they're calling him.

[kindkit]

What I wonder is whether they're getting his pronouns right. When I came out at work at the beginning of my transition, I didn't change my gender-neutral nickname (still haven't and don't plan to), so I haven't experienced the name problem the way LW has. What I have experienced is a LOT of pronoun avoidance as well as accidental/"accidental" wrong pronouns (including they/them, because a lot of cis people seem to think that's okay even though my pronouns are he/him).

If co-workers are getting his pronouns right, he might want to look at explanations other than transphobia in at least some cases. If they're not, then I agree that transphobia is certainly the problem.

[chiasmata]

I think the pronouns question is really interesting.

[minoanmiss]

*takes notes*

[chiasmata]

Exactly!