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agonyaunt2022-09-07 06:56 pm
AAM: my male colleagues wait for me to set up all our meetings
A reader writes:
Increasingly I have noticed that my male colleagues at other organizations or divisions, equal to me in stature (and even people I consider close friends), are deferring to me to schedule meetings for them. Even if it is a meeting the male colleague requested, they will not take the initiative to set up the meeting.
• Or they will ask an unnecessary “Do you want me to set up a conference line?” once the time is already set. If I say yes, I would still need to reply as well as hold the time on my own calendar until they get back with one, so it is often faster just to send the invite myself.
• (Perhaps relevant to one of your previous posts on calendering, I also notice that men are far more likely to send women a self-scheduling link on a platform like Calendly than they are to other men.)
This even happens when I am doing a favor for someone. Today, one colleague asked me if I would join an intro call to introduce him to another colleague. I started the introductory email chain as requested. Both jumped in to say nice things about wanting to meet each other, but neither mentioned any interest in scheduling the call, leaving it to me to either let it drop or schedule it myself. I do not notice these sorts of situations occurring when women are included in the meeting.
There are ways I could navigate this without doing the scheduling, for instance by using the same tricks my male colleagues do (being silent or sending an unnecessary “should I send a conference line” email). But I’m loathe to be as presumptuous as they are. Moreover, it’s not the same person, nor is it the people I manage, so it’s hard to approach them directly to solve the problem.
Do you or your readers have any clever hacks for navigating this type of gendered scheduling politics?
One of the many frustrating and difficult things about sexism is that not only are women often seen as the default people responsible for office housekeeping tasks (setting up meetings, taking notes, showing the new intern around, etc.) but we ourselves often step in to do those things even without being asked because we’ve been socialized to feel responsible for ensuring someone does them … whereas men, as a group, are far more likely to just let their end of that rope drop.
So yes, part of this is that you need to be as willing as your male coworkers to not take the initiative and to let stuff drop. That is hard to do when you are a conscientious person who cares about such things! It can also be tremendously liberating.
But there are other things that can head some of this off too:
* At the same time that you confirm a meeting, in that same email write, “2:00 sounds good. Can you set up a conference line and send me a calendar invite?” (which will make it clear you’re not doing it and will head off your colleagues’ unnecessary “Do you want me to set up a conference line?” queries).
* If someone is requesting a meeting with you and you prefer to send your own scheduling link, it’s fine to do that! They’re asking for your time; you get to make it convenient for you. Even if they’ve already offered their calendar link, you can reply, “Actually, would you mind finding a spot on my calendar? Thanks!” (But only do this if they’re the one who requested the meeting and they’re not more senior than you.)
* If you’re doing a favor like introducing two contacts, once you’ve done your part of it you can assume they are adults who can manage the rest. In your example of introducing two colleagues where neither of them took the initiative to schedule a call, you had done your part when you made the introduction. You could have completely let it drop at that point. It’s highly likely that one of them would have realized action was needed and decided to initiate an appointment themselves, but if they didn’t … oh well. That’s not your problem! You did your part. The rest was up to two presumably competent professionals. You don’t need to handhold them or fix it for them.
When you have been socialized to step in and ensure things run smoothly, it can be really hard to just … not. (There’s also a whole frustrating thing about why women should have to lower our standards for ourselves rather than expecting men to raise theirs.) But try it for a month and see how you feel at the end of it, because I suspect you’ll love it.
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"They will share their calendar availability via email but not offer to send the Zoom information, leaving me to do so." -- OK, if you're not their assistant, then this is their problem.
"Or they will ask an unnecessary “Do you want me to set up a conference line?” once the time is already set." Either reply and say "yes" or don't reply at all and let them figure out the obvious themselves.
"Both jumped in to say nice things about wanting to meet each other, but neither mentioned any interest in scheduling the call, leaving it to me to either let it drop or schedule it myself." Then let it drop.
I mean, these guys may very well be thinking, "Oh, there's a woman involved now, so she'll do this work," or they may not be thinking at all but have a vague, subconscious sense that when a female name appears, meetings and communication seem to happen by magic -- but as long as she's not going to experience negative consequences if their meetings and communication fail to happen, she should step back and let them fail to happen.
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