Dear Prudence: Did my ex-dominatrix sister molest my son

[cereta]

Dear Prudence,
My sister used to be a professional dominatrix. She was quite open with me about this and said that she stopped because she was tired of being “topped from the bottom”; she wanted “real” control. We haven’t discussed this for some years now, and it never occurred to me that it might not be a good idea to leave my preteen son alone with her. The other day, I arrived early to pick him up, and it took my sister a while to answer the door. It appeared that she and my son may have both hastily put their clothes back on. I later asked my son what happened in general terms, so as not to sound accusing of anyone. His answer was plausible, but it almost sounded rehearsed. I’m not sure what to do. Maybe nothing untoward happened and I’m just being paranoid. I love my sister, and I really think she would know better than to do anything remotely sexual with her nephew or anyone his age. Should I talk to my sister and hope she can assure me that everything’s OK? Or should I just assume the worst and never again leave my son in her care?

I am trying to imagine why, if you had a suspicion that your sister was molesting your son, you did not ask more questions of her immediately. Her past work as a dominatrix has nothing to do with your current situation, although it sounds like at least part of you believes that if she was willing to tie up adult, consenting men for a living she’d be equally willing to abuse a prepubescent child, which is a horrific false equivalence. Set aside your assumptions about her former employment. You say they “may have” been rushing to put their clothes on—how do you know? Did your latent fears about your sister’s past cause you to imagine that as an excuse for the delay, or did you truly see something (a missing button, your sister pulling a shirt back over her head?) that ought to have prompted a serious, in-the-moment investigation? You missed an important opportunity to gather information. Don’t make that mistake again now. Tell her that you were concerned and upset by what you think you saw when she babysat him, and ask her to tell you exactly what happened. If you haven’t already, talk to your son about privacy and the right he has not to be touched by anyone he doesn’t want to be, no matter who they are, and that he can come talk to you about anything. You can make this clear to him without directly accusing your sister.

It concerns me deeply that you consider “not molesting children” to be a question of “knowing better,” as if it were a mere lapse in judgment or matter of taste rather than a violent crime. Talk to your sister immediately. Either you’re working on the assumption that a woman who once had a sex work–adjacent job is thus likelier to molest a child, which is unjustifiable paranoia, or you saw something incredibly suspicious about your sister, and your child, and failed to follow through.

Comments

[shirou]

I agree, but I'd be kind of surprised if the LW were able to deconvolve the reasons for his/her suspicions. That requires a lot of personal insight. Telling the LW to get lost would be a totally reasonable reaction on the part of the sister, assuming the suspicions are false, but I maintain that it's a risk the LW has to be willing to take to protect his/her child.

If the suspicions are false, we have an adult making some ugly assumptions about a sister who will have to decide how to deal with them. If the suspicions are true, we have a child victim of sexual assault. I appreciate that the first scenario is mean and gross, but seriously, the latter is so much worse, so the LW's priority has to be to investigate and protect the child.

If the LW is smart, s/he can talk to the son or sister about the hasty dressing and leave the sister's past as a dominatrix out of it.

[minoanmiss]

So I've been staring at this for... awhile. And I keep trying to figure out two things:

1) Where I managed to inadvertently say that the LW shouldn't investigate -- I absolutely agree that the LW needs to know what's going on for the sake of the child.

2) How I can manage to prove that people into BDSM are no more likely to be sexual abusers, of children or anyone else, than anyone else is. It's an assumption that in my experience is widespread, untrue, and dangerous.

But, or maybe and, I agree that if the LW is smart, and wants an accurate answer, they will ask both the son and the sister without reference to the sister's BDSM past.

[shirou]

You don't have to prove that people into BDSM are no more likely to be abusive. I believe that. I don't think we actually disagree on anything, we would just emphasize different parts of the response. That was what my comment was about originally. I agree with everything Prudie wrote, I just think she should have emphasized more the LW's responsibility to his/her son.

Eta: I do appreciate you sharing your experience and perspective on this topic. I'm generally much more sympathetic to children than adults, but perhaps I underestimated the pervasiveness and dangerousness of the false equivalence. I wasn't ready to condemn the LW for making the false equivalence based on a single comment, but it seems this is a broader issue than I realized.