Dear Prudence: Did my ex-dominatrix sister molest my son

[cereta]

Dear Prudence,
My sister used to be a professional dominatrix. She was quite open with me about this and said that she stopped because she was tired of being “topped from the bottom”; she wanted “real” control. We haven’t discussed this for some years now, and it never occurred to me that it might not be a good idea to leave my preteen son alone with her. The other day, I arrived early to pick him up, and it took my sister a while to answer the door. It appeared that she and my son may have both hastily put their clothes back on. I later asked my son what happened in general terms, so as not to sound accusing of anyone. His answer was plausible, but it almost sounded rehearsed. I’m not sure what to do. Maybe nothing untoward happened and I’m just being paranoid. I love my sister, and I really think she would know better than to do anything remotely sexual with her nephew or anyone his age. Should I talk to my sister and hope she can assure me that everything’s OK? Or should I just assume the worst and never again leave my son in her care?

I am trying to imagine why, if you had a suspicion that your sister was molesting your son, you did not ask more questions of her immediately. Her past work as a dominatrix has nothing to do with your current situation, although it sounds like at least part of you believes that if she was willing to tie up adult, consenting men for a living she’d be equally willing to abuse a prepubescent child, which is a horrific false equivalence. Set aside your assumptions about her former employment. You say they “may have” been rushing to put their clothes on—how do you know? Did your latent fears about your sister’s past cause you to imagine that as an excuse for the delay, or did you truly see something (a missing button, your sister pulling a shirt back over her head?) that ought to have prompted a serious, in-the-moment investigation? You missed an important opportunity to gather information. Don’t make that mistake again now. Tell her that you were concerned and upset by what you think you saw when she babysat him, and ask her to tell you exactly what happened. If you haven’t already, talk to your son about privacy and the right he has not to be touched by anyone he doesn’t want to be, no matter who they are, and that he can come talk to you about anything. You can make this clear to him without directly accusing your sister.

It concerns me deeply that you consider “not molesting children” to be a question of “knowing better,” as if it were a mere lapse in judgment or matter of taste rather than a violent crime. Talk to your sister immediately. Either you’re working on the assumption that a woman who once had a sex work–adjacent job is thus likelier to molest a child, which is unjustifiable paranoia, or you saw something incredibly suspicious about your sister, and your child, and failed to follow through.

Comments

[cereta]

Pretty much. I mean, I agree with a lot of what Mallory said, especially the part where a WHOLE LOT comes do to WHY the LW thought her sister and son were hastily dressing. But ultimately, as awkward as it is, the LW has to talk with both of them.