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Dear Prudence - my manipulative husband tries to gaslight me into thinking he's romantic
(Actual Title: Help! My Husband Keeps Making a Weird Romantic Gesture That He Knows I Hate.)
(https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/08/dear-prudence-weird-romantic-gesture.html)
Dear Prudence,
My husband likes the romantic gesture of gifting me red roses. He likes to send them to me at work for occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. I love receiving flowers. I always thank him and appreciate the gift. I’ve also explained that I don’t like receiving flowers at work because I’m embarrassed by the unwanted attention this causes from coworkers. And, I’ve expressed that something other than red roses are my preference—a preference widely discussed and shared in his extended family, people who are into flowers. Still, many times he sends me red roses, sometimes at work. Every time, he mentions that he knows I don’t like it. I reassure him I appreciate the gesture. Then he keeps bringing it up, creating conversations that leave me saying again that despite my preferences, of course I find it so nice that he sent me the flowers, and how lovely they are. I’m left feeling deflated and manipulated. This is a great example of a behavior pattern prevalent in our relationship. Sometimes it really gets me down. Am I the asshole?
— Over the Roses
Dear Over the Roses,
You’re not the asshole. You could actually stand to be a little bit more of an asshole to get your point across. Do you hear the difference between: “Roses aren’t my favorite, and I don’t love getting flowers at work but I appreciate the gesture, thank you so much!” and “Thank you. But roses really aren’t my favorite, and I’ve told you before that I don’t like receiving flowers at work because of all the unwanted attention. I would really love it if next time you got me a different type of flower and gave it to me at home.”
Just let that negative note at the end linger. I know it’s uncomfortable. I know he might get upset. Resist the urge to follow up and say how lovely the gesture was. He’s counting on you doing that so he can continue to feel good about doing things you don’t like. It sounds like his refusal to respect your wishes is a pattern. I would suggest a broader conversation about that, and not on a day when flowers have been delivered.
(https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/08/dear-prudence-weird-romantic-gesture.html)
Dear Prudence,
My husband likes the romantic gesture of gifting me red roses. He likes to send them to me at work for occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. I love receiving flowers. I always thank him and appreciate the gift. I’ve also explained that I don’t like receiving flowers at work because I’m embarrassed by the unwanted attention this causes from coworkers. And, I’ve expressed that something other than red roses are my preference—a preference widely discussed and shared in his extended family, people who are into flowers. Still, many times he sends me red roses, sometimes at work. Every time, he mentions that he knows I don’t like it. I reassure him I appreciate the gesture. Then he keeps bringing it up, creating conversations that leave me saying again that despite my preferences, of course I find it so nice that he sent me the flowers, and how lovely they are. I’m left feeling deflated and manipulated. This is a great example of a behavior pattern prevalent in our relationship. Sometimes it really gets me down. Am I the asshole?
— Over the Roses
Dear Over the Roses,
You’re not the asshole. You could actually stand to be a little bit more of an asshole to get your point across. Do you hear the difference between: “Roses aren’t my favorite, and I don’t love getting flowers at work but I appreciate the gesture, thank you so much!” and “Thank you. But roses really aren’t my favorite, and I’ve told you before that I don’t like receiving flowers at work because of all the unwanted attention. I would really love it if next time you got me a different type of flower and gave it to me at home.”
Just let that negative note at the end linger. I know it’s uncomfortable. I know he might get upset. Resist the urge to follow up and say how lovely the gesture was. He’s counting on you doing that so he can continue to feel good about doing things you don’t like. It sounds like his refusal to respect your wishes is a pattern. I would suggest a broader conversation about that, and not on a day when flowers have been delivered.
no subject
It's the same thing as, say, asking him to both clean up his pee after he's spilled it around the toilet and asking him to put the toilet seat down. He's only putting the toilet seat down while saying, "look, I know I spilled pee around the toilet and you asked me to clean it up but I didn't" and he expect to be praised for it!
No. It's not a romantic gesture, it's one that displays his control and his superiority because he can 'make her happy' with something that doesn't actually please her.