Dear Prudence - my manipulative husband tries to gaslight me into thinking he's romantic

[beable]

(Actual Title: Help! My Husband Keeps Making a Weird Romantic Gesture That He Knows I Hate.)

(https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/08/dear-prudence-weird-romantic-gesture.html)

Dear Prudence,

My husband likes the romantic gesture of gifting me red roses. He likes to send them to me at work for occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. I love receiving flowers. I always thank him and appreciate the gift. I’ve also explained that I don’t like receiving flowers at work because I’m embarrassed by the unwanted attention this causes from coworkers. And, I’ve expressed that something other than red roses are my preference—a preference widely discussed and shared in his extended family, people who are into flowers. Still, many times he sends me red roses, sometimes at work. Every time, he mentions that he knows I don’t like it. I reassure him I appreciate the gesture. Then he keeps bringing it up, creating conversations that leave me saying again that despite my preferences, of course I find it so nice that he sent me the flowers, and how lovely they are. I’m left feeling deflated and manipulated. This is a great example of a behavior pattern prevalent in our relationship. Sometimes it really gets me down. Am I the asshole?

— Over the Roses

Dear Over the Roses,

You’re not the asshole. You could actually stand to be a little bit more of an asshole to get your point across. Do you hear the difference between: “Roses aren’t my favorite, and I don’t love getting flowers at work but I appreciate the gesture, thank you so much!” and “Thank you. But roses really aren’t my favorite, and I’ve told you before that I don’t like receiving flowers at work because of all the unwanted attention. I would really love it if next time you got me a different type of flower and gave it to me at home.”

Just let that negative note at the end linger. I know it’s uncomfortable. I know he might get upset. Resist the urge to follow up and say how lovely the gesture was. He’s counting on you doing that so he can continue to feel good about doing things you don’t like. It sounds like his refusal to respect your wishes is a pattern. I would suggest a broader conversation about that, and not on a day when flowers have been delivered.

Comments

[beable]

If it was just the roses at work, maybe this advice, maaaaaybe.

But the "he keeps bringing it up" . He's not forgetting your preferences and trying to be romantic with a society-condoned gift , he's just an asshole.

I don't think the whole man disposal services would be all that unjustified here.

[cimorene]

And she also says it's a pattern in the relationship!! Can't believe how far this response underplays how bad this is.

[ambyr]

I don’t like receiving cut flowers, and I especially don’t like receiving them at work. You know how partners have handled this once I’ve told them? By not giving me flowers. Whole man disposal service stat.

[conuly]

Oh god. What a fucking asshole he is.

[shanaqui]

No, no, no broad conversation, just leave. This is weird as fuck.

[tielan]

I see this as a controlling gesture on his part. He wants to be thought nice and romantic and a good husband, but he's not actually listening - in fact, he's deliberately doing things that are what she's asked him not to do.

It's the same thing as, say, asking him to both clean up his pee after he's spilled it around the toilet and asking him to put the toilet seat down. He's only putting the toilet seat down while saying, "look, I know I spilled pee around the toilet and you asked me to clean it up but I didn't" and he expect to be praised for it!

No. It's not a romantic gesture, it's one that displays his control and his superiority because he can 'make her happy' with something that doesn't actually please her.

[oursin]

OMG this is in the same category as blokes that get absolutely infuriated when their Lovely Gesture of buying their wife/girlfriend a present of something she can't eat because she's actually allergic (and he knows this, or at least has been informed several times) is Not Properly Appreciated. It's persecuting her with red roses, which she doesn't like, in inappropriate situations, and being performative about it.

(I would suggest shoving the roses where the sun don't shine, honestly.)

[pensnest]

He does like to demonstrate what a Perfect and Romantic Manly Man he is, doesn't he. Not just the traditional red roses, but carefully delivered in public so that everyone will know he is a RMM. Everybody who, like him, misses the point, at any rate. Though I don't think he misses the point so much as doesn't care.

[laurajv]

All his wife's coworkers think of him as such a sweet romantic guy, guaranteed!

[lethe1]

Every time, he mentions that he knows I don’t like it. I reassure him I appreciate the gesture.

Stop reassuring him, LW. It is far from a loving gesture, and he knows it.