Dear Abby: Mom Won't Let Go

[cereta]

Dear Prudence,
I’m a senior at a local university, commuting from home, and my younger sister is leaving soon for a distant school. It’s just me, my sister, and our mother in the house, and I’m worried that I’ll be smothered now that Baby Sis is going away. Mom’s a single parent and does everything she can to keep us close so that she’s not lonely (this includes asking us to sleep in her bed for weeks at a time, and it’s been this way for years). Now that my sister is leaving and it’s just me, I already feel bad about leaving Mom to do homework on campus or stay after class or anything else that keeps me out of the house. At the same time, I don’t want to be stuck at home with Mom for my entire senior year. Is there any middle ground so that I can get out of the house and be a little more independent while making sure Mom’s not too lonely?

—Lonely Mom, Stuck Daughter

I would argue that it is not your job to make sure your mother isn’t lonely. Studying on-campus, going out with friends, and generally being out of the house are entirely normal behaviors for a college senior, and you’re not neglecting your mother or in any way causing her loneliness by trying to build a life of your own. There’s no need for you to look for a middle ground here; your mother has to figure out how to be happy without clinging to her grown children. Children are supposed to leave their parents. Leaving isn’t abandonment, and you should not feel bad for a minute about leaving your mother to lead a normal life. Your mother’s loneliness is way beyond your ability to fix, and she should seek professional help. Even if she refuses, consider seeing a therapist on your own and getting support in building a life that doesn’t involve sleeping in your mother’s bed just because she can’t stand the thought of sleeping alone.

Comments

[cereta]

First things first: my kid sleeps in my/my spouse's bed when one of us is out of town, or as an occasional "treat" (to her). SHE'S NINE, and more importantly, it's because she wants it. Much as I love being able to reach over and just put my hand on her shoulder for a second when I wake up, I won't mourn all that much when she grows out of it - she still has that kid habit of sleeping in weird positions, and thus taking up a lot of the bed. The day that I even suspect that she's doing this for me (or her father) is the day I put a stop to it.

But that's really just the icing on the "OMG, bad bad bad!" cake in LW's situation. You feel guilty going out to study? What's going to happen when you get a job and want to move out?

Sadly, I'm not sure there IS a middle ground in this. This is just a guess, but I have the feeling that mom is going to wear down any partial boundaries the LW puts up. If she can afford it at all, LW needs to move out. If she can't afford that, she needs to find a way to block the guilt and just stop enabling mom's behavior. Go out when you want to, refuse to sleep in her bed, etc. This is all easier said than done, which is why a therapist, especially a CBT, would be good for you.

[minoanmiss]

... a friend of mine sells those full size pillows with Captain America printed on them?