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agonyaunt2022-08-23 01:12 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-08-23 01:12 pm
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Dear Prudence: Shoplifting
Help! My Boyfriend Makes Good Money. He Still Insists on Shoplifting.
Q. Frugal Food Lover: My boyfriend and I are in our late 20s and have been together for 10 months. Things have been great—he treats me very well and I feel so comfortable with him. Even my friends have noticed that I’ve been much happier and more confident since we started dating. I can see a future with him.
There’s a minor issue on which I’d like to get your opinion. A few months ago my boyfriend mentioned that he shoplifts a lot of his groceries. He goes to the self-checkout kiosk and only scans about half of them. He said he’s saved hundreds of dollars over the years doing this. I was pretty disturbed when he told me this. He said he would never do this at mom-and-pop shops, only large chains. I suppose this makes it better, but it still bothered me. I told him I didn’t like it and then put it out of my mind, but it came up again recently. We were making dinner together and I mentioned that the ingredients must have been expensive, and he said, “Oh, I shoplifted most of them.” I told him I wish he’d stop doing this, but he seemed to brush it off.
He doesn’t make a lot of money, but he’s not in poverty either. He has a stable office job, his own apartment, and his parents are very comfortable. I guess part of what bothers me is that I’ve been struggling to make ends meet lately and always have to put a lot of thought into how to spend my grocery budget efficiently. I don’t like that he feels entitled to get his groceries for free while everyone else has to pay for them. I’m also concerned about potential consequences if he ever gets caught, but I don’t know how serious the penalties for shoplifting are. Is this a big deal, or am I worrying about nothing?
Stealing is wrong. But I can’t bring myself to make a big, intense moral judgment here. Your boyfriend is right that Safeway, Aldi, Walmart, or whichever chain store will be fine without the cost of the avocado he pocketed.
I still don’t like what he’s doing. Aside from being a crime, this is the behavior of someone who doesn’t play by the rules of society and can probably justify anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if it went hand in hand with stuff like “I only need to shower monthly because science shows the bacteria that accumulates on your skin is not actually harmful” or “I will never acknowledge your birthday or any holiday because made-up traditions just encourage us to waste money” or “I don’t tip because it’s not my job to pay someone’s salary.” I just worry about the life you’ll have with someone who does whatever he can get away with without regard for the consequences and brushes off anything you might say about it.
If he really wants some of his food to be free, he could try growing his own. Or maybe dumpster diving. I’m serious, a lot of people do it! But I suspect what he’s actually into is the thrill of getting away with something, and I seriously doubt it will end here. That could mean a lot of headaches for you as his partner. You don’t have to break up with him, but keep an eye on the personality traits driving his shoplifting habit and how they show up in other areas of his life. Definitely don’t marry him unless he stops, because it’s very likely that he’ll one day get caught doing this or something even more sketchy, and once you tie the knot his legal problems will become yours.
Q. Re: Frugal Food Lover AND Why Am I Still Fighting?: Both of the writers need to ditch these guys stat. Credit card hubs is a jerk and is emotionally and financially abusive to you, dear letter writer. Don’t stick around for this. It’s not going to get better. Partner of a shoplifter, see above. That’s the future. A guy who opens credit cards in your name.
A. Wow, amazing job linking these two letters. While we can’t predict exactly what will happen with the grocery thief, this prediction sounds entirely reasonable to me.
Q. Re: Frugal Food Lover: Prudie, I AM the boyfriend in this scenario! (Well, husband, but the point remains the same). Like the letter writer’s partner, I’ve long been a petty thief when it comes to stealing small items from massive chain stores while drawing a Robin Hood-esque line at stealing from local businesses. It’s fundamentally a selfish decision wrapped up in some socio-economic rationalization. At that moment, I don’t want to pay for something small and stupid and places like Target and Walmart are borderline evil in the way they have always prioritized profits over people and literally have hundreds of thousands of dollars built into their operating budget for “items that walk out the door.”
I think your answer is fair and even-handed, though I do have a small quibble. I think it’s a bit unfair to say “someone who doesn’t play by the rules of society and can probably justify anything.” Many of society’s rules are fundamentally unfair or designed to benefit the wealthy and powerful. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say what I’m doing is a moral good, I do feel it’s about as victimless a crime as there is in that the “victim” is literally a huge, faceless corporation, and their already wealthy shareholders engaged in the fundamentally unethical exercise of 21st-century capitalism. For that reason, I don’t think pocketing a bottle of overpriced moisturizer reveals a capacity for bottomless moral depravity!
A. OK, this is fair. But let’s not pretend “stealing food I can actually afford” is breaking society’s unfair rules in the way that something like offering food and water to people in line to vote in Georgia would be.
Q. Re: Frugal Food Lover: The reason Safeway and Aldi and Walmart don’t need his money is because the rest of us are paying his tab. The stores pass along the cost of shoplifting by raising their prices. So your frugal boyfriend is actually hurting you. You are paying more because he is paying less.
A. So maybe they should get married, after all, so she can benefit more from the hundreds of dollars he’s saving! Kidding. You make a good point but I think her concern is about his behavior and character, not about a slightly more expensive loaf of bread.
Q. Frugal Food Lover: My boyfriend and I are in our late 20s and have been together for 10 months. Things have been great—he treats me very well and I feel so comfortable with him. Even my friends have noticed that I’ve been much happier and more confident since we started dating. I can see a future with him.
There’s a minor issue on which I’d like to get your opinion. A few months ago my boyfriend mentioned that he shoplifts a lot of his groceries. He goes to the self-checkout kiosk and only scans about half of them. He said he’s saved hundreds of dollars over the years doing this. I was pretty disturbed when he told me this. He said he would never do this at mom-and-pop shops, only large chains. I suppose this makes it better, but it still bothered me. I told him I didn’t like it and then put it out of my mind, but it came up again recently. We were making dinner together and I mentioned that the ingredients must have been expensive, and he said, “Oh, I shoplifted most of them.” I told him I wish he’d stop doing this, but he seemed to brush it off.
He doesn’t make a lot of money, but he’s not in poverty either. He has a stable office job, his own apartment, and his parents are very comfortable. I guess part of what bothers me is that I’ve been struggling to make ends meet lately and always have to put a lot of thought into how to spend my grocery budget efficiently. I don’t like that he feels entitled to get his groceries for free while everyone else has to pay for them. I’m also concerned about potential consequences if he ever gets caught, but I don’t know how serious the penalties for shoplifting are. Is this a big deal, or am I worrying about nothing?
Stealing is wrong. But I can’t bring myself to make a big, intense moral judgment here. Your boyfriend is right that Safeway, Aldi, Walmart, or whichever chain store will be fine without the cost of the avocado he pocketed.
I still don’t like what he’s doing. Aside from being a crime, this is the behavior of someone who doesn’t play by the rules of society and can probably justify anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if it went hand in hand with stuff like “I only need to shower monthly because science shows the bacteria that accumulates on your skin is not actually harmful” or “I will never acknowledge your birthday or any holiday because made-up traditions just encourage us to waste money” or “I don’t tip because it’s not my job to pay someone’s salary.” I just worry about the life you’ll have with someone who does whatever he can get away with without regard for the consequences and brushes off anything you might say about it.
If he really wants some of his food to be free, he could try growing his own. Or maybe dumpster diving. I’m serious, a lot of people do it! But I suspect what he’s actually into is the thrill of getting away with something, and I seriously doubt it will end here. That could mean a lot of headaches for you as his partner. You don’t have to break up with him, but keep an eye on the personality traits driving his shoplifting habit and how they show up in other areas of his life. Definitely don’t marry him unless he stops, because it’s very likely that he’ll one day get caught doing this or something even more sketchy, and once you tie the knot his legal problems will become yours.
Q. Re: Frugal Food Lover AND Why Am I Still Fighting?: Both of the writers need to ditch these guys stat. Credit card hubs is a jerk and is emotionally and financially abusive to you, dear letter writer. Don’t stick around for this. It’s not going to get better. Partner of a shoplifter, see above. That’s the future. A guy who opens credit cards in your name.
A. Wow, amazing job linking these two letters. While we can’t predict exactly what will happen with the grocery thief, this prediction sounds entirely reasonable to me.
Q. Re: Frugal Food Lover: Prudie, I AM the boyfriend in this scenario! (Well, husband, but the point remains the same). Like the letter writer’s partner, I’ve long been a petty thief when it comes to stealing small items from massive chain stores while drawing a Robin Hood-esque line at stealing from local businesses. It’s fundamentally a selfish decision wrapped up in some socio-economic rationalization. At that moment, I don’t want to pay for something small and stupid and places like Target and Walmart are borderline evil in the way they have always prioritized profits over people and literally have hundreds of thousands of dollars built into their operating budget for “items that walk out the door.”
I think your answer is fair and even-handed, though I do have a small quibble. I think it’s a bit unfair to say “someone who doesn’t play by the rules of society and can probably justify anything.” Many of society’s rules are fundamentally unfair or designed to benefit the wealthy and powerful. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say what I’m doing is a moral good, I do feel it’s about as victimless a crime as there is in that the “victim” is literally a huge, faceless corporation, and their already wealthy shareholders engaged in the fundamentally unethical exercise of 21st-century capitalism. For that reason, I don’t think pocketing a bottle of overpriced moisturizer reveals a capacity for bottomless moral depravity!
A. OK, this is fair. But let’s not pretend “stealing food I can actually afford” is breaking society’s unfair rules in the way that something like offering food and water to people in line to vote in Georgia would be.
Q. Re: Frugal Food Lover: The reason Safeway and Aldi and Walmart don’t need his money is because the rest of us are paying his tab. The stores pass along the cost of shoplifting by raising their prices. So your frugal boyfriend is actually hurting you. You are paying more because he is paying less.
A. So maybe they should get married, after all, so she can benefit more from the hundreds of dollars he’s saving! Kidding. You make a good point but I think her concern is about his behavior and character, not about a slightly more expensive loaf of bread.
no subject
Real reasons are totally understandable. Some dude bro pulling “well actually” to do whatever he feels like and screw everyone else, no.