Dear Prudence: Shoplifting

[minoanmiss]

Help! My Boyfriend Makes Good Money. He Still Insists on Shoplifting.

Q. Frugal Food Lover: My boyfriend and I are in our late 20s and have been together for 10 months. Things have been great—he treats me very well and I feel so comfortable with him. Even my friends have noticed that I’ve been much happier and more confident since we started dating. I can see a future with him.

There’s a minor issue on which I’d like to get your opinion. A few months ago my boyfriend mentioned that he shoplifts a lot of his groceries. He goes to the self-checkout kiosk and only scans about half of them. He said he’s saved hundreds of dollars over the years doing this. I was pretty disturbed when he told me this. He said he would never do this at mom-and-pop shops, only large chains. I suppose this makes it better, but it still bothered me. I told him I didn’t like it and then put it out of my mind, but it came up again recently. We were making dinner together and I mentioned that the ingredients must have been expensive, and he said, “Oh, I shoplifted most of them.” I told him I wish he’d stop doing this, but he seemed to brush it off.

He doesn’t make a lot of money, but he’s not in poverty either. He has a stable office job, his own apartment, and his parents are very comfortable. I guess part of what bothers me is that I’ve been struggling to make ends meet lately and always have to put a lot of thought into how to spend my grocery budget efficiently. I don’t like that he feels entitled to get his groceries for free while everyone else has to pay for them. I’m also concerned about potential consequences if he ever gets caught, but I don’t know how serious the penalties for shoplifting are. Is this a big deal, or am I worrying about nothing?

Stealing is wrong. But I can’t bring myself to make a big, intense moral judgment here. Your boyfriend is right that Safeway, Aldi, Walmart, or whichever chain store will be fine without the cost of the avocado he pocketed.

I still don’t like what he’s doing. Aside from being a crime, this is the behavior of someone who doesn’t play by the rules of society and can probably justify anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if it went hand in hand with stuff like “I only need to shower monthly because science shows the bacteria that accumulates on your skin is not actually harmful” or “I will never acknowledge your birthday or any holiday because made-up traditions just encourage us to waste money” or “I don’t tip because it’s not my job to pay someone’s salary.” I just worry about the life you’ll have with someone who does whatever he can get away with without regard for the consequences and brushes off anything you might say about it.

If he really wants some of his food to be free, he could try growing his own. Or maybe dumpster diving. I’m serious, a lot of people do it! But I suspect what he’s actually into is the thrill of getting away with something, and I seriously doubt it will end here. That could mean a lot of headaches for you as his partner. You don’t have to break up with him, but keep an eye on the personality traits driving his shoplifting habit and how they show up in other areas of his life. Definitely don’t marry him unless he stops, because it’s very likely that he’ll one day get caught doing this or something even more sketchy, and once you tie the knot his legal problems will become yours.

Q. Re: Frugal Food Lover AND Why Am I Still Fighting?: Both of the writers need to ditch these guys stat. Credit card hubs is a jerk and is emotionally and financially abusive to you, dear letter writer. Don’t stick around for this. It’s not going to get better. Partner of a shoplifter, see above. That’s the future. A guy who opens credit cards in your name.

A. Wow, amazing job linking these two letters. While we can’t predict exactly what will happen with the grocery thief, this prediction sounds entirely reasonable to me.

Q. Re: Frugal Food Lover: Prudie, I AM the boyfriend in this scenario! (Well, husband, but the point remains the same). Like the letter writer’s partner, I’ve long been a petty thief when it comes to stealing small items from massive chain stores while drawing a Robin Hood-esque line at stealing from local businesses. It’s fundamentally a selfish decision wrapped up in some socio-economic rationalization. At that moment, I don’t want to pay for something small and stupid and places like Target and Walmart are borderline evil in the way they have always prioritized profits over people and literally have hundreds of thousands of dollars built into their operating budget for “items that walk out the door.”

I think your answer is fair and even-handed, though I do have a small quibble. I think it’s a bit unfair to say “someone who doesn’t play by the rules of society and can probably justify anything.” Many of society’s rules are fundamentally unfair or designed to benefit the wealthy and powerful. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say what I’m doing is a moral good, I do feel it’s about as victimless a crime as there is in that the “victim” is literally a huge, faceless corporation, and their already wealthy shareholders engaged in the fundamentally unethical exercise of 21st-century capitalism. For that reason, I don’t think pocketing a bottle of overpriced moisturizer reveals a capacity for bottomless moral depravity!

A. OK, this is fair. But let’s not pretend “stealing food I can actually afford” is breaking society’s unfair rules in the way that something like offering food and water to people in line to vote in Georgia would be.

Q. Re: Frugal Food Lover: The reason Safeway and Aldi and Walmart don’t need his money is because the rest of us are paying his tab. The stores pass along the cost of shoplifting by raising their prices. So your frugal boyfriend is actually hurting you. You are paying more because he is paying less.

A. So maybe they should get married, after all, so she can benefit more from the hundreds of dollars he’s saving! Kidding. You make a good point but I think her concern is about his behavior and character, not about a slightly more expensive loaf of bread.

Comments

[cimorene]

Wow... wtf.

[melannen]

Wow, bad boyfriend and bad answers.

(The reason you don't cheat the self-check is that the self-check depends on the fact that most people are honest. If most people cheated, they would have to take away the self-check. That would mean that a) you couldn't use it anymore, and b) people who actually *needed* to shoplift a bit of food would find it much harder. Don't cheat trust-based systems if you want those systems to continue to exist.)

[hashiveinu]

I don't think the self-checkout is there as a privilege based on the honor system; I think it's based on the idea that it saves the company more to use it and not pay a cashier than they expect to lose through both error and deliberate cheating.

[melannen]

Right, but that's only true as long as the vast majority of people who use it use it honestly. As soon as the loss rate is more than they're saving, it's not worth it. If it's only a few assholes, it's fine, but if it's everybody, it's not worth it anymore. So this dude is relying on the idea that the rules apply to other people but not him.

(The profit motive's already pretty low on those things, between maintenance costs, the fact that it's usually slower than a cashier, and the fact that you generally have to pay almost as many staff to help customers with them as you would if you just had manned registers.)

[zulu]

I mean, call me a shill for The Man, but how about "shoplifting is wrong and illegal, so don't do it"?

Personally I'd never tell on anyone who was shoplifting because I don't know their circumstances and maybe they really need that formula/those diapers etc, and their life isn't my business, but "expensive ingredients just because"? Uh no?

Maybe I'm the one who's out of touch though!

[lilysea]

I have no problem with people shoplifting basic necessities from large chain stores IF it's the only way they can afford all three of food + rent + and healthcare,

and I would never judge someone for stealing food or baby formula so that they/someone else didn't go hungry,

and I would also never judge someone for stealing condoms or Plan B if a pharmacist refused to sell it to them because "you're too young" or "you're not married"

but I don't approve of it otherwise.

I was once in a VERY LONG supermarket queue with only one or two cash registers open, with my boyfriend of the time, and he suggested we steal the one item we were queing for (a single loaf of Turkish bread for the meal we were making that night) just so that the queue didn't eat up 45 minutes to an hour of our time (this was before self check outs) and I said no. He seemed quite surprised that I would rather queue forever so that we could pay, but he didn't argue.

[green_grrl]

This.

[harpers_child]

I hope that someone in the comments passed on that many large chains like Target and Walmart document what you've stolen until it's a felony amount and then prosecute. And if you're with a person who is shoplifting you get charged as an accomplice. It carries across multiple trips to the store.

[ethelmay]

My understanding is that the corporations may be making a lot of money for their upper management and shareholders, but at the store level it is a small profit margin business. So even in the "stick it to the man" sense it's wrong.

[lilysea]

Even if shoplifting only takes a major chain store location from [obscenely profitable]
to [merely very profitable],
it might lead to the chain closing that branch and contributing to food deserts :(

[kindkit]

And the first thing stores do when profits go down is cut labor. So it's the employees who pay for the boyfriend's unnecessary shoplifting by getting fewer hours.

[lethe1]

I don't understand the comparison to showering only once a month or not acknowledging a birthday or holiday. Wtf do those things have to do with stealing?

[green_grrl]

It’s that bf had come up with a rationalization for doing what he feels like. Doesn’t feel like spending on nice food? Doesn’t feel like showering? Doesn’t feel like remembering birthdays? It’s a way to behave narcissistically while wrapping it in an excuse that sounds like a bigger societal message.

[lilysea]

It’s that bf had come up with a rationalization for doing what he feels like. Doesn’t feel like spending on nice food? Doesn’t feel like showering? Doesn’t feel like remembering birthdays? It’s a way to behave narcissistically while wrapping it in an excuse that sounds like a bigger societal message

As someone who, in the past 5 years, has often only been able to shower once a month due to chronic illness causing severe physical exhaustion and balance issues, I really disliked the columnist using this as an example :(

[green_grrl]

It’s similar to your comment above: I have no problem with people shoplifting basic necessities from large chain stores IF it's the only way they can afford all three of food + rent + and healthcare

Real reasons are totally understandable. Some dude bro pulling “well actually” to do whatever he feels like and screw everyone else, no.

[ysobel]

I understand your discomfort, and also want to point out the columnist was at least talking about someone using BS justification for doing what he wants to with no consideration of others (rather than a blanket condemnation of people who don't/can't do X in general). It's not what so much as why and how if that makes sense.

[conuly]

At that moment, I don’t want to pay for something small and stupid and places like Target and Walmart are borderline evil in the way they have always prioritized profits over people and literally have hundreds of thousands of dollars built into their operating budget for “items that walk out the door.”

So don't walk in the door at Target or Walmart in the first place.

[ekaterinn]

I think the boyfriend should give the LW all the money he saves shoplifting. And then LW should dump the motherfucker, because he sounds insufferable.

(Shoplifting essential goods because you're poor and our social safety net has holes an elephant could fall through = acceptable; shoplifting expensive ingredients and BRAGGING about it = major asshole who is two months away from justifying cheating on you).