(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: Recently, I got sick. My daughter texted my husband saying I don't let others take care of me and that I want to be the caregiver. She said, "She doesn't get taken care of very well. She always wants to take care of others." My husband took that as a slam that he doesn't take care of me. He exploded at her and said some not nice things. Anyway, they are mad at each other.

My daughter is talking to me, but my husband has been giving me the silent treatment as he feels I should have taken his side. I knew exactly what she meant, but he is just reading too much into it. He won't even let me make him food. He says, "You take care of yourself. I will take care of myself." I hate the silent treatment and that they won't try to talk this out. Now I'm stuck in the middle. Help! -- Hate the Middle Seat

Dear Middle Seat: Texting is a surefire way for wires to get crossed. Your daughter's intended message is clear: The best caregivers often make the worst patients. However, her phrasing coupled with a lack of in-person delivery says something different.

Your way out of the middle is to play mediator. Get your daughter and husband in one room together and help them talk it through. This miscommunication is far too minor and juvenile for anyone to be giving or getting the silent treatment. I'd also be willing to bet this tiff has done nothing to help your recovery, which is what should be the top priority here.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2709946

Comments

[conuly]

Nine times out of ten, when somebody says they're "stuck in the middle" of a family dispute, it's clear to me that they're only "stuck" where they deliberately put themselves, and the solution is to stop trying to mediate.

However, this is the tenth case. LW's problem has nothing to do with being stuck in the middle of anything, and everything to do with the fact that Husband is being petty and spiteful, if not outright abusive. This childish behavior would be bad enough of LW had actually done anything wrong, but in response to merely not taking his side in a dispute that had nothing to do with her in the first place?

LW needs to consult with a divorce attorney, because this is not okay.

[cimorene]

Shout out to how bad the advice is, though! It not only completely misses the actual problem but would be counter-productive if there really were a normal misunderstanding.

[shanaqui]

Your way out of the middle is to play mediator.

...What????????????

This is LITERALLY putting yourself right in the middle to be the fucking mediator!

[conuly]

That is the etymology of the word "mediator", in fact! The mediator is the person in the middle!

[redbird]

Oy vey!

LW: "He's giving me the silent treatment."

Annie: "You can fix this by talking to him enough."

She's correct that the silent treatment is inappropriate, because it's never appropriate. From my high school math: formally, the statement "P implies Q" is true whenever Q is a true statement, including things like "it's raining, therefore my mother was born in Germany" or "some dowagers are thistles, therefore 2+2=4." Or, in this case, "the LW did nothing wrong, therefore her husband shouldn't be giving her the silent treatment."

[conuly]

Yup.

[movingfinger]

Shut uuuuup, Annie!

The text was fine. I, a complete stranger, understood perfectly.

The problem here is that the husband is "giving [her] the silent treatment as he feels [she] should have taken his side." This is absolutely a man who has carried the worst possible interpretation of the text (and everything else) around in order to beat his family with it and he is the problem, not LW's daughter.

LW should go visit her daughter for a week or so and take a break from this asshole.

[conuly]

LW should go visit her daughter for a week or so and take a break from this asshole.

And consult a divorce attorney while there.

I wonder now if this "silent treatment" started when LW was still recovering from that illness, btw.

I'm totally biased here

[feldman]

[Based on the last several years taking calls at the food bank, I've heard about similar situations, and worse. When the caretaker partner falls ill, some men who likely already kinda sucked in a less active way can escalate. One call in Dec the sitch was arguably approaching negligent homicide. I'm not objective.]

Given how much he squealed about the inferred dig, especially if neglect was never implied by the daughter in person or text, it certainly did land on a sore spot! And now LW is being punished until she comes across with loyalty and validation of his demonstrably shitty caring skills.

I doubt this waited until her recovery, but it certainty serves to disrupt the mother/daughter relationship, equate LW's illness with failure as a wife, and divert everyone's attention back to him and his feefees.

[azurelunatic]

That's not a phrasing problem or a texting problem. That's a husband problem.

[melannen]

You know, I want to take LW's side here, but--

---he manifestly is talking to you, you quoted him talking to you
---the only actual complaint you have about him is that he's trying to follow the daughter's advice and not let you take on all the work while you're sick

You don't even say that the daughter and husband aren't talking to each other? Just that husband isn't talking to you? Is he more mad at you than daughter? Is he actually only mad at himself but you're interpreting "he's trying to stop me from doing all the caring while I'm sick" as him shutting out your way of showing love? What is going on here?

Anyway, LW, it's tough when you're sick, and it's tough when someone you've always thought was your rock was sick, but you're the one who's sick so you don't have to fix it. And also, stop trying to do all the work, you're sick.